


30 days of Kylo Ren

by Limra



Series: 30 days of Force Feelings [1]
Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 16:58:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 51,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8293226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limra/pseuds/Limra
Summary: Answering the campaign 30 days of Kylo Ren. Here we go!





	1. Day 1 - The Force

Day 1 – The Force

It wasn’t easy at the beginning.

Feeling the Force even before knowing its purposes always brought difficult aftermaths. He couldn’t remember the first time he felt it, because he was very young. His _mother_ would tell him how one night she got up with her baby _giggling_. Not crying as all the babies are supposed to do. _Laughing_. He was only five months old and all the small toys were floating around his crib.

When he was five years old, he could already manipulate things. Why open the wardrobe if he could summon his jacket? Why going out if he could make fun alone? Trade his lonely moments learning about himself and the Force for other children who couldn’t understand him had never been attractive.

His father never understood it. His mother feared it. But he knew the Force was something that flooded through his veins making him feel complete and _balanced_.  That boy thought he was special to the world.

And he was. Uncle Luke came and took him from the family he loved but it was for a great cause. He was eight years old and he would become a great jedi.

He was ten years old when everything got messy. Voices in his head driving him insane. But two were predominant. The first one, that creepy voice telling him how great he could be, better than others, almost a hand in the dark pulling the strings and making him believe that passion held a lot of power. He talked through his nightmares. But, in the shining morning, he had his daydreams. And _she_ was always there. Snoke made him feel invincible. But _she_ made him complete. _She_ was only a baby. Always crying and smiling…she didn’t have a name. He decided to call her Ray, because she was always shining when he dreamed.

When he was fifteen, he professed The Jedi Code.

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.

 

But his nightmares never stopped. And just as for Ray, the man he used to be during the said nightmares, had another name now. _Kylo Ren_.

When he was twenty, he found out about Darth Vader. Then Kylo Ren came to life. He stopped having his daydreams. Where was she?

The Force talked to him in a different way now. It still flowed through his blood, but not to bring him peace. To bring him strength. Power. He would finish whatever his grandfather had started.

_Give me strength, Grandfather._

At the beginning, he had a plan. He could go to the dark side and resist. _Give me your strength_. Come back and prove that Darth Vader was the only jedi able to bring balance because he had been in both sides of the Force. He would show to his mother how wrong she was about _everything_.

 _Peace is a lie, there is only passion._  
Through passion, I gain strength.  
Through strength, I gain power.  
Through power, I gain victory.  
Through victory, my chains are broken.  
The Force shall free me.

At twenty-five, Ben Solo was gone. His eyes were dark as the shadow of the night. Whispers inside his head telling him he had to go on with this path. Gone was Ray. Gone the nightmares and daydreams. However, he kept his plans. Snoke shouldn’t find out about it. He couldn’t.

When he was twenty-eight, _she_ appeared once again. Scavenging things. Where was she? In a desert world. This dream, a breeze inside his dark world, remembering him someone he wasn’t anymore. Why now? When he opened his eyes, the insistent headache he had since he was fifteen was gone.

When he was thirty, he met her. The girl from Jakku. Rey. And the Force made him want to keep her. Whispering she was important to his path. He did. But the prize for capturing _the girl_ was an expensive one.

Kylo Ren killed Han Solo. He killed his _father. Give me strength, Grandfather. I shall finish what you started_. He killed Han Solo because Snoke had told him that the Force would consume him completely, closing the circle and bringing him to the darkside. And then, he could come back. He could do it.

But the moment his lightsaber penetrated his father’s chest, he didn’t feel free. Something inside him _died_. First, he thought it was the light dying inside of him. But that pain made him _love_ that man. He asked him to come back home. The Force asked him to come back. The dark died inside of  him that day. He couldn’t belong to the light. He couldn’t be dark either.

Rey gave him a scar to remember him he couldn’t go and come back. He had to be both. Killing his master and backing home was a long journey. But he found a grey path and his uncle took him back. As his mother. And _the girl_ didn’t give up on him.

Now, he’s thirty-five years old, having the miniature of an ewookie floating beside his head just like all the little toys in that room. He stared at those hazel eyes, and smiled when he heard her giggling.

“Well, well, Hannah Solo. Here we go again. I don’t know if your mom is going to like it. She was happy thinking you were not force sensitive.”

Hannah laughed more from her crib.

“Ben? Is she okay?” _Her_ voice came from the other room while he took the baby girl in his arms.

“Yes.”

She would be okay. Everything was going to be different.

The Force is strong with him. With Rey. And with Hannah.


	2. Day 2 - His Hair

“Fix your hair.”

Their favorite line. He remembered the first day he had his mask on.  Anyone told him, not even a single person, to fix his dark wild mane. If freedom meant to hide behind a dark mask, he felt it at that moment. His Grandfather had to hide because he was deformed, but Kylo had to hide because he was…His Master, Snoke, had told him he was _handsome_. Beauty didn’t feel right to the dark side. Therefore, he put that mask on.

But it was awful inside the mask. He could feel his scalp sweating and his hair getting oily. The problem was how to find and buy shampoo inside the First Order. How the terrible Kylo Ren would ask someone to land the _Finalizer_ and buy him some shampoo because he couldn’t tolerate his hair without the soft waves he had always had?

Well, he did ask _someone_ he believed would keep his reputation safe. Captain Phasma. And he found out they shared the same hair issue! She also told him General Hux used to have many cosmetic supplies stocked inside his quarters. _Of course, he had._ Asshole.

She gave him a kit. It was for kids but she assured him it was the best thing for their problem. The bottles were little droids miniatures and the smell…it smelled like his old bedroom. He loved each one of his little droids.

When he met _her_ , his hair was _gorgeous_.

However, when he left the First Order, he met another hair issue on Ahch- To. Dry hair. The ocean, the sand – he hated sand -, the wind. Dry hair. He had never had that! In addition, he didn’t have Captain Phasma to help him this time. He asked another _person_ then. Chewie would help him with that. And he did! He brought him a Darth Vader bottle. A miraculous Darth Vader shampoo!

Curious thing: he never understood why he had to replace it so fast, if only he used it. It wasn’t _her_. She didn’t need it. She was naturally perfect.

After the war, he started having another hair issue. But he was okay with this one. “Fix your hair” she says and he could only smirk knowing that it was her fault his dark mane became so messy. Lovemaking wasn’t a problem at all.

“Fix your hair! Your uncle is coming to visit us and I have to go find his favorite shampoo. You know where I can buy those Darth Vader’s bottles you used to have when we lived on Ahch-To?” She asked while getting dressed.

“WHAT?”


	3. Resilience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 - Resilience

Day 3 – Resilience

 _Stay strong._ He thought looking at her.

* * *

 

 _Stay strong._ Han Solo used to say every time he felt sick when the Millenium Falcon departed. It was a tough mission to  come back to himself when everything inside him wanted to find its way out of his stomach.

 _Caoraro caorcoowhrr!_ Chewie used to growl when he had to put antiseptic on all his bruises.

 _Stay strong._ Leia Organa commanded when he cried desperately saying to her he didn’t want to leave with his uncle. He was only eight. He didn’t want to be strong. He felt weak thinking he would never see her again. But he obeyed.

 _Stay strong_. Uncle Luke whispered those words every night he had _those_ nightmares. He couldn’t be himself. He had to be strong. The son of Leia Organa, Han Solo and the nephew of the last jedi alive, Luke Skywalker. Therefore, he kept his own being quiet trying to be strong and be what was expected from him: The Wonderful Republic Heir, born under its values and raised to be the image of a perfect system. Where the peace would reign. Where the truth would reign, where the light would shine brightly.

But at night, it was difficult to be Ben Solo. He wanted to be another thing. Great, powerful. He wanted it for himself not for the sake of the galaxy. But that was passion. Passion was for a sith not for a jedi. Then, he kept it as a secret.

 _Be strong. Fight against your instincts. The Force shall free me_. He would whisper to himself during his meditations.

But when he was twenty, all his idols were destroyed by the _truth._ How could he still be Ben Solo knowing his grandfather was the one responsible for bringing the darkness and the balance to the galaxy? He felt empty and hurt. If before he felt ashamed of his dreams, now he could understand them. Ben solo wasn’t good enough for Darth Vader. He was a silly stupid boy. He wasn’t the heir of Anakin Skywalker. But Kylo Ren could be enough.

Darth Vader was born over the death of Padmé Amidala. And Kylo Ren was born over the death of Ben Solo. _Stay strong_. Snoke would whisper inside his mind when he slaughtered the other padawans. He would never forget their bodies and faces.

But Kylo had a plan. Snoke was only his master. He would learn and kill him. He didn’t need to be a sith. He wanted to prove he could bring balance once again to the galaxy.

 _Give me your strength, Grandfather_.  How many times he threw up after killing and slaughtering for the First Order. Crying like a baby, weak and stupid boy. _Give me your strength._

He was resilient until the day he met Rey. He lost his head. The _girl_ from his dreams. Facing him. Hating him. Resilient? He let his walls down during the interrogation. How could he be strong for that? Someone who could beat him and he didn’t even hate her. Au contraire, he wanted her _closer_.

He wasn’t Kylo Ren, Lord of the Knights of Ren anymore. Could he be Ben Solo again after everything?

After Han. _Stay strong, kid_.  Come back _home._ _You don’t need that mask_. _BEN!_

Snoke took him after that to finish his training. But after each section of mind intrusion, not even the lashings tortures would make him forget or stop him from regretting his father.

Kylo Ren died the day Han Solo died. Han had found Ben.

Now, it was up to him to make his way back.  Find the courage of being Ben Solo again. Beg for forgiveness. All broke inside, weak, but still him. _Ben_ , _stay strong. We are coming for you._ _She_ had said through their shared bond.

 _Stay strong_. He did it. And he found his way back.

When the final battle took place, he was himself again. Different from the first Ben, but sill himself. This time, he asked someone else to be strong. _Stay strong. It’s over_. But her eyes were shining weakly and a light smile took her lips. _Promise me you’ll be Ben Solo. Stay strong, Ben._

No! She couldn’t die. Yet, she did. She wasn’t inside his mind as always since Starkiller Base. _Rey!_

How could him be himself without her? Ben Solo couldn’t live over her dead body. He wouldn’t let it be. _Stay strong._ He did it. He took her hands and concentrated on her Force Signature. He could feel his energy passing to her. Seeing her gasping and breathing again, that made him strong.

* * *

 

 _Stay strong._ He thought looking at her.

“Okay, sweetheart. Now, come to Daddy. Come here”. He was kneeling with Rey at his left waiting for Hanna's first steps.

The baby laughed to him and to her mother. She made one step towards him and almost fell. Rey tried to reach for her, but he stopped her. “Hannah Solo, stay strong, love. Come here!”

The baby smiled again and made her way to his arms.

“Stay strong? Ben! She’s just a baby!” Rey said laughing.

“Yeah. And look how strong she already is.”


	4. Day 4 - With Han

Day 4 – With Han

“KID! Where are you? I’m home!  Leia! Where’s my welcoming committee?”

Han used to scream that every time he was back from his _travels_. His mother used to ignore him for half an hour to show how intensely she despised him. However, after those 30 minutes, he would kiss her passionately and make Ben wait with Chewie for his gifts with a scowl on his face for more than two hours.

After making up, Han spent all the time left with him. He used to speak about all his great adventures and dangerous negotiations, as if they were epic stories. _Of course_ , Han Solo and his loyal friend Chewie were the big heroes, always saving the galaxy. The boy used to love when he was home because he knew he would leave soon. Han was the best father ever: to play and to tell stories. Not to be there when he had his nightmares or when he started to levitate things when he was too excited, too angry or too sad.

“Leia! He’s doing it again!” his face would assume a fearful expression. Han was afraid of his powers and Ben could feel it. It hurt. Ben had never told her father how he would cry at night asking to the Force to go away from him, so his dad could stay home. “There’s too much Vader on him. I don’t know how to react!” He would say to his mother when he thought their son was asleep. He never understood it.

When Ben was eight, he came home to say goodbye because the boy would leave to Luke’s Academy.

“KID! Where are you? I’m home!  Leia! Where’s my welcoming committee?” and the same ritual took place.

Ben would never forget their last moment sharing his travels adventures.

“Wow!” he exclaimed putting a hand over the table forcing it to stay on the floor. “This is very dangerous, Dad! You shouldn’t go again! I’m always worried. And Mom too.”

Han chuckled. “That’s who I am, Ben. Han Solo is the best smuggler of the galaxy!”

“No. you’re not. If you were the best, you wouldn’t be in danger. You’re a hero. Just like Mom and Uncle Luke.”

“But I wouldn’t be the best hero. And I want to be the best.” He said smiling.

“Well, you’re already the best father of the galaxy.” Ben told him sadly. “But you’re never here. Sometimes I’m afraid you’ll get lost and never find your way back to us!”

Han seemed startled by that. His mouth fell ajar. “I’ll always find my way back to you, Ben. It doesn’t matter where you are.”

“Do you promise?”

“I do.”

“What if _I_ get lost?” Ben asked mischievously lifting an eyebrow to his father.

“Then I’ll hunt every corner of the galaxy until I bring you home.”

“But I’ll have powers. I know you’re afraid of me. I could beat you.” The boy said laughing.

“Ben. I would die to bring you back. I’m afraid of this _thing_. But I’m even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you’ll not forget me?”

“I promise, Dad.” Ben spoke hugging him.

They would see each other again when Ben was ten. Then twelve. And fifteen. Always for their birthdays.

After that, Han Sol's voice became letters, holocrons, holograms. Four by year. Until he was twenty. By then, Ben didn’t want to hear from him anymore. Han Solo disappointed him. He loved being a _Solo_. Even more than being Leia Organa’s heir. Or a Skywalker.

Becoming Kylo Ren meant to kill his origins. Snoke told him since the beginning that the day would come and he would have to choose between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. But he had a plan. Follow the dark side and prove he wouldn’t get lost.

 _She_ loved Han Solo before even knowing him. Starkiller had taught him a difficult lesson. Han Solo would disappoint _her_.  

“BEN.” That name. That voice. They hit straight in his heart making pain spread over his body. It was physical. His body was reacting with the same feeling when he was a boy. When _he_ used to come home. Kylo Ren felt _relieved_. _He_ was there. But he recovered himself quickly.

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.” He wanted to see _Ben._ But he didn’t exist anymore. At least, he wanted to believe it. Han solo tried to alert his _son_ of Snoke’s manipulation. The knight accused him of being a liar and a thief.

He said his mother missed him and asked him to come back _home_. Kylo started to cry. He was being torn apart. He couldn’t do it. _Home,_ he thought sarcastically. Where he wasn’t welcomed. Where his own _father_ feared him. He had betrayed him. He was never there.

Lord Ren knew his duty. Something Han Solo never did. He was angry. So angry, he could feel the dark energy surrounding him. So angry he decided to make his _father_ believe he could come back. Kylo asked his help to do what he had to do. Han Solo believed he could do _anything_. Well, he would surprise him this time. _So angry_. He hated him. _So angry_. Every single night he cried wanting to be _loved_. _So angry_. Every tear dropped when he left _home_ on that ship. _So angry._ He put all of his pain on the single movement to ignite his lightsaber and make him suffer as he had.

However, the dark feeling after that maleficent act didn’t make him stronger. He felt _weak_. Han Solo’s last act proved he was _right_. Snoke had lied…his _father_ had let his own fingers touch his face one last time. Kylo Ren saw on his face that he wanted to believe his son hadn’t become that horrible creature he was seeing. Ren fell to the ground taken by the dark void he felt through the Force. “Thank you” He had said not recognizing his own voice. As dark as the dark hole that weakened his strength.

Han Solo would haunt his nights and days. He couldn’t hide from his own past.

 _Ben! Come back home! Your mother misses you. I’ll hunt each corner of the galaxy until I bring you home._ _I would die to bring you back. I’m afraid of this thing. But I’m even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you’ll not forget me?_

Forget. He wished he could. Han Solo had done it. He had come to look for him and bring him back home.

Forget. How? Han would be his burden for the rest of his existence.

He had kept his promise although.

He should keep his: never forgetting and coming back home.

Ben Solo came back home.

They celebrated all his father’s birthdays with Chewie. First to maintain the tradition. He was a hero after all. Han Solo.

However, Ben had another reason to celebrate it. Now, he knew his father loved him on his own way. He believed Han had forgiven him.

_I’ll always find my way back to you, Ben._

And he did it again. _That scoundrel_ , as his mother would say. He kept his promise once again. Hannah Solo was born the same day her grandfather did.  She was named after him. Twice. _Han_ was not enough. _Han_ was just the name of someone who had not learnt he had to stay home. But _Han_ had learnt his way back. From back to front then, _nah_. From death to life: _Hannah_. A name for someone who could leave but who would always be welcomed home. Just special as she is. Without fear. Without lies.

Han Solo was the best father of the galaxy. He was not perfect. Yet, he was the best. He taught Ben how to be a father. _Don’t repeat my mistakes, kid._ He used to say _. You’re better than me_.

No. Ben wasn’t better. He was a _Solo_. And that would be enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I had to study to write this one. It was hard. I want to say that I'm very happy with your reactions! I love Kylo Ren and I think this challenge will help with my obsession. :)


	5. Day 5 - Light Side

Day 5 – Light Side

 

“I can’t believe you’re not going to tell me what is wrong, Ben! I want to help you! Tell me!”

He remembered Leia Organa didn’t like losing control. She used to try hard to control her husband, her son, her brother, the galaxy, but none of them followed her commands.  Her boy, however, was always who left her the more upset. Ben still remembered that day. The first day when the Light _hurt_ him. He was seven years old when his uncle started teaching him some techniques to control his temper and to not throw things on people when they would tell him “No”.

He was a smart boy and he knew every change on his force signature when his mood changed. The Light side always felt as if he was floating on the ocean, as if he was the ocean itself and his powers were like his own waves, emanating from him in a total well balanced equation. The Dark felt as if one of those waves had turned against him and made him sink into the deep ocean.

Sometimes when he focused on the Light, his mind would project an intense shining flash that would leave a headache as a gift. On the other hand, the Dark could leave his sight unfocused and he couldn’t see at all. Sometimes, he would be able to find an equilibrium, something in the middle and nothing would happen with his dark eyes.

That evening he was levitating some old books and he felt something pulling him and calling him to try harder. The Dark used to do it. Not the Light. He focused on his desk and tried. This time the Light was so intense as if it was exploding inside his mind, a star making its last spectacle before it turned into a black hole. However, the dark never came. His body started shaking as if he had been electrocuted and when Ben opened his eyes, he was… _blind_. An intense blue glow making him _see_ everything through the Force. He panicked. He didn’t want to be blind. After five minutes of desperation, his sight was back and he found his voice to scream.

“Tell me!” His mother asked again wiping his tears.

She wouldn’t understand. No one would understand. Not even Uncle Luke. He was going to say it was just the Dark Side again and that he had to control his temper.

 When he dreamed of _her_ though, the intense Light was welcome.

Kylo Ren understood very well the pull to the Light. He tried to suffocate it with his training and keeping the ashes of his victims to remember his nature as member of the Dark side.

_Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light._

When he dreamed about  _her_ , the Light was always welcome.

_Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light._

On Starkiller base, the Light tempted him again. It was _her_. He wanted to keep her with him. Rey pulled him to the Light. To her.

 _You feel compassion for her_. Snoke would say. He was wrong.

It wasn’t compassion. It was passion. Raw, uncontrolled and surrounded by _light_. Passion should be something from the Dark Side. He had already been a passionate apprentice for power. He knew how it felt.  With Rey was something out of control as well as in the Dark, hungry, but _sacred_.

  _Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light_.

But when he killed Han, the Light left him for a long excruciating year. Their bond silenced. She _hated_ him, but he couldn’t bear that.

When he left the First Order, he told his uncle he couldn’t be fully committed with the Light Side.  The Dark would torture him if he did. Just like the Light had done before. Master Luke told him he had found some old holocrons talking about the Grey Jedi. The middle. _Balance_. To accomplish that goal, he would have to leave Rey behind. She was too _glossy_ for him. He was nothing but a burden to her path. Her path as a jedi wouldn’t allow them together.Every time they kissed, he would feel dizzy, almost blind and _satisfied_.

He remembered the day he told her he was leaving. She asked why. He refused to tell her.

“I can’t believe you’re not going to tell me what is wrong, Ben! I want to help you! Tell me!”

“Our paths are different now. We can’t be together. Let that be enough.”

“I won’t let you leave without a good explanation. You didn’t care last night when I went to your bedroom. Now, you’re so concerned about my path.”

“I can’t be with you.” He screamed. “It’s killing me! It _hurts_. And I’m afraid someday I’ll lose my control and hurt you. It’s so good, Rey, that I lose myself when I’m with you. Please, I have to go. I will never be a jedi like you.”

“You can’t go. You can’t _leave_ me. Everyone leaves me. And you promised.”

“I’ll come back. I’ll come back to you, sweetheart. I promise. But for now, I have to go.”

_There it was. The Light. Hurting him again._

He left. She kept contact with him through their bond. After six months of exile, he woke up to find her in the hall of his humble house.

“Grey, you say. I can’t be a jedi anymore, Ben. The Light isn’t enough to me. There’s not balance when you’re not there. I’m sorry if I hurt you. But now, I don’t feel it anymore. Your light is not there to make _mine_ shine.”

“ _My_ light?” He asked surprised.

“Yours. I’ve never told you because it felt so _right_ to lose control with you that I-“

Rey never finished her line. He kissed her and he could feel it. The raw energy shining again, _their_ energy. Her light, his light.

The Light Side wasn’t enough. Passion wasn’t enough. But love, love was light, dark and grey.

 It was the Force finally balanced.

 

 


	6. Day 6 - With Leia

Day 6 – With Leia

 

“The end. Now, Ben Solo, it’s bedtime!”

“But I don’t want to sleep, Mom!”. The boy exclaimed yawning despite his wish. “I want to ask you something.”

“Ok. Just one little thing.”

“Why did you name me Ben?”

“We lost a friend. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a great jedi. But a great part of his life he spent under the name Ben.”

“Why you didn’t name after my grandpa?”

“Well, you’ll always be Bail Organa’s grandson. You’re his heir, his legacy while Obi-Wan would be just a name by now. So, we decided you, Ben Organa Solo should have the name of our best heroes.”

“Wait. Do you really mean Dad is a hero? He’ll be so happy when he finds out you’ve finally admitted it! I’m gonna-“

“Hold on there, Ben.” She interrupted his excitement pushing him back against the pillows. “You’re going to sleep and you’ll never tell your father that I think of him as a hero.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Fine. I have another question. The last one, I promise.” He swore under her intense frown. “Why you and Uncle Luke have different surnames if you are brothers?”

“Oh. Well, different families have adopted us.”

“Adopted? And have you ever met your parents?”

“No.”

That was the first time she lied to him about his grandparents.

“Do you know if your father or mother were like Uncle Luke and I?”

“No. I don’t”

Second lie.

“I wish you were like us, mom. You would understand the Force and you would like it.”

“Maybe. But I’m not like you, sweetheart.”

Third lie.

Leia Organa was always busy ruling the galaxy. From Royalty to army leader, the respectful General didn’t have time to her son. Between the Senate and her absent husband, Ben lived with his mother during eight years. Eight years of “Don’t wait for me to dinner”, “Threepioo, can you stay with Ben today?”, or “Luke! I’m so glad you’re here! His baby-sitter is afraid of his powers, can you stay with him?”

Therefore, Ben tried to enjoy her company as much as possible. He adored Leia Organa. She was clever, kind, generous, helped everyone and she had a perfect long hair. He liked spying her combing her long locks and making them become a different and exotic hairstyle. She tried hard to keep him with her but bringing a force sensitive kid to the Senate Council wasn’t an easy task even if there were other children there. Actually, the problem was with them. They didn’t like the heir of Bail Organa and bullied him for hours and hours.

Ben hated when he had to go with her to work. However, he would obey if it meant not leaving to live with his uncle Luke and without her. One day, a boy said he looked more like Darth Vader’s grandson than Leia Organa’s son. He was very upset after that. He knew how deeply his mother hated Darth Vader and it wasn’t fair with him. The other boy ended with a broken leg without any touch from the force sensitive kid. He did all with his mind.

His mother had to make a difficult choice.

“You’re going with your uncle. You have to, Ben. You’ll learn and you will become a jedi. Just like Obi-Wan was.”

“I don’t want to be a jedi! I want to be a Senator. Just like you. _Please, forgive me_.   _Don’t push me away.”_ He implored.

But she was relentless.

She didn’t visit frequently as she had promised. He knew since the beginning she wasn’t going to keep that promise. She was too busy for him. Besides, he had disappointed her. Then, he decided he was going to become the jedi she had asked him to be. He fought his nightmares and the pull to the dark he used to feel to keep his path and be the son she wanted him to be.

When he was twenty-three, his uncle assigned him a mission on Naboo to look for old files from the Old Jedi Temple. He found out more than what his uncle had asked him to. He found out about Padme Amidala and her jedi guardian, Anakin Skywalker. _Skywalker_. His grandfather was force sensitive and had become Darth Vader. _You look more Darth Vader’s grandson than your own mother’s son._ A voice whispered inside his head, “ _She knew it”._

He didn’t come back to the Academy. Instead, he went to visit her. When he arrived at her office, she said to the receptionist when she announced that _Ben was waiting for her_.

“Ben? But I’m not waiting anyone called Ben…”

They fought.

He left.

Kylo Ren hated Leia Organa more than the rest of his family. He used Han Solo to go deeper into his anger. He used Luke Skywalker as a reminder of his dark path. But she…he wouldn’t even think of her, trying to delete her image on his mind. She wasn’t worthy his thoughts or any instant of his life. He chose to do as Darth Vader to show her how powerful her father was to do as he pleased, Light or Dark.

“Your mother misses you.”

 _Mother_. So long since he dared to think of her like this. Unwelcomed tears rolled down his cheeks. He wanted to come back. The Light was tempting him again. He wouldn’t do as she wanted. His next step put an abysm between them. He had killed Han. His own father. There wasn’t a way back to her. He had lost Leia Organa. Forever.

When he deserted the First Order he thought on going to an exile after talking to his uncle. But Rey had a surprise for him. She brought _her._

Leia looked mesmerized at him. He felt very uncomfortable. She touched his face in a perfect reproduction of his father’s last act.

“Ben. I thought you’re gone.”

He struggled to keep his posture. Suddenly, she slapped him. “It was my fault. He always wanted to tell you the truth. You killed your own father.”

He lost his fake strength, kneeling before her and burying his face on her abdomen, while his arms hugged her by the waist.

“Please. Forgive me. Don’t push me away, _Mom_.”

It was awkward to use that word again. Yet, it felt wonderful. Ben felt relieved.

Leia forgave him but their relationship took time to improve. They would try to work together for the Resistance and talk in a very awkward and cold way. The things changed when he introduced her to his baby: Hannah Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, named after the best heroes of the galaxy.

Hannah has her grabdmother's hair and now Ben watches both of them doing their coiffures. And he knows she always tell Hannah how her grandfather was a great hero.

 

 


	7. HIs moles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 8 - His moles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is Kylo Ren centric. I apologize if it's not, but I don't see Kylo without Ben. Well, he's being torn apart. I don't know. I hope you'll enjoy it!

 

Day 7 – His moles

Her fingers were lazily caressing his face. She used to do that every time she would wake up before him. She does it since the first time they slept together and he’s not the one who’s going to stop her. He still remembers their first morning sharing a bed.

* * *

 

 

“20, 21,22…” she whispered while letting her fingers draw a line on his cheeks and jaw.

Without opening his eyes, he asked, “What are you doing?”

She took her hands away from him and her face blushed with embarrassment. “Nothing. Good morning.” She replied shyly.

“A _very_ good morning, you mean.” He replied giving her a soft kiss that became a heated one on instants. Ben was crazy about her. After meeting her, it took one year and 5 months to kiss her for the first time and more three months to make them share a bed. He wanted to keep kissing her, but he knew he couldn’t. They had to talk. During the last three months, she had been anything but sure about them being together. Each one of their kisses had a sad end surrounded by guilt and regret. He wanted to know what they really stood _._

“We need to talk.” He breathed out when she broke the kiss to take some air.

“ _Right now_?”. She asked with her eyes wide opened.

“Yes. Last night was wonderful. I want to know where we stand right now. I don’t want to hear you say that you only went on your instincts as you did last time we kissed. It’s complicated. I know. But we have to try to define _this._ ”

She sighed rolling her eyes. “Ben, it’s early and I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to fight you and go on a week without bearing to look at your face again.

“We are not fighting.”

“Yes, we are. We’ve just got started.”

He opened his mouth and closed it before he dared to speak again. “Ok. What if I ask you a question and you answer me with the truth and only the truth?”

“All right. If that makes you happy. Though I would prefer another thing to make you happy.”

Ben really wanted to kiss her again. But he didn’t. “What was the first thing you thought when I took my mask off on Starkiller base?”

That memory terrified him. He wanted to know how she felt before feeling her through the Force and before their bond.

“Your moles.” She answered without hesitation or even blink.

“What? I asked you to be serious about this.”

“I am being serious. Let me explain better. The man that I saw under the mask left me intrigued. I was expecting a monster with a physical deformation. Not you. When you came near, I got even more intrigued for your moles. People on desert planets have moles due to intense sun exhibition. You lived on space, under a mask _and_ you had a lot of them. Even your moles try to prove how contradictory you are”.

Ben couldn’t believe it. “My moles, you say? But you called me a monster anyway.”

“Well, you killed your own father, so you became a monster even with your handsome face. That same night you also taught me another thing: the line between a monster and a good person is very thin. That night I wanted to kill you. It would have been so easy…the dark was tempting me and the only thing stopping me were your moles. They made me remember Rey from Jakku. I could be the monster right now. Besides, I found out with you that a monster can always come back, it doesn't matter what they did.”

He couldn’t answer properly to the tender smile she was giving him.

“Do you still like my moles?”

“Yes, and if it wasn’t for your interruption I would be counting them up instead of having this kind of conversation.” She said drawing a line from his forehead to his lips. “Now, it’s my turn. I want to ask you something.” She said leaning on his chest.

“Go on. Ask.” His voice was whisper. She was so beautiful with her freckles.

“Why did you take so long kissing my whole body last night? Were you looking for something special?” She was kissing his jaw line, making the inhale-exhale process a complicated exercise. 

He gulped before answering.

“I’ve found a lot of special things, but I took my time kissing each one of your freckles. Differently from you, I’ve accomplished my mission.” He said brushing his lips on hers.

“Oh”. She was blushing again. “Do you like my freckles?”

“I more than like them. I lov-“

_Knock, knock!_

“Ben! Get up!. Uncle Luke’s voice came from the other side of his door. “You’re late for your training today and Rey must be already working.

Ben rolled his eyes before answering, “I’m going, uncle!”

Rey gave him a last kiss before climbing out the window.

* * *

 

“…19,20…”

He smiled. “You’re counting them again. How many?”

“I don’t know, Ben. I always stop to look at you or to kiss your cheeks, then I forget about the moles and everything else.”

“I still love your freckles.”

She chuckled. “I know that. You made it pretty clear last night.”

“Did you like it?”

“What? Last night?”

“Yeah, last night.

“Well, I more than liked it. I lov-“

_Knock, knock!_

“Ben, Hannah is awake! But I want to sleep now. Come over here!

 _His uncle_ always interrupting him. “I’m afraid our little moles – freckles competition will have to wait for later.” He said leaving their warm sheets.

“Leave him with her and come here, Ben! I want to count your moles after that. I _deserve_ it.”

“But Hannah…”

“She’ll be okay with him. He says he wants to sleep but it’s not true. He wants you to prepare her food while he plays with her. He did the same with me last time he stayed with us.” She said smiling.

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Do you want to start recounting?” He asked mischievously, making his way back to her arms.

“One, two, three…four…fi…ve…s…”

Kylo Ren hated his moles. But, she loved them. He could live with that.

 

 


	8. Day 8 - Fighting

Day 8 - Fighting

Ben hates fighting.

It’s past midnight and he can’t close his eyes to sleep on the uncomfortable couch. He has to wake up early in the morning to bring his mother to stay during her vacation with them. One week sleeping on the couch and _she_ doesn’t admit she’s wrong this time. So wrong. He loves her, but this time, she has hurt him deeply and he won’t relent.

Besides, he’s always the first one to say “I’m sorry”, because he can’t deal with the pain he feels in the chest when they yell at each other or when they disagree about some silly and stupid thing.

The reasons where nothing as always, but what she said…it hit his wounds.

He sighed trying to understand how one day he used to like fighting.

* * *

 

He always liked fighting. During his life as a padawan, he learned that practicing the forms helped him to find the balance to the raw energy that used to flow on his blood and mind. Physical exhaustion made him sane at the end of the day and more: the days he practiced dueling were the days when he could sleep without having the nightmares or that _voice_ haunting his mind. He hated meditating. He felt fragile as if relaxing would open his inner ways and leave him vulnerable to _him_.

He felt calm and relieved after the duels. It wasn’t about winning. At least, not at the beginning and during a long time. He liked the movement, the hits...his body worked in unison with his mind and he could feel the harmony of being one with the Force. He also used to like the physical preparation for dueling. There was no surprise when Ben Solo became the best warrior of the Academy because he was the only one who really enjoyed waking up at dawn to start doing his exercises and to practice his new forms.

If winning was a consequence of his dedication, so be it. He liked the smile his uncle would show every time he did a good job dueling with lightsabers. He wanted to win to feel good with himself. Therefore, he never lost a confrontation. Never.

When he became Kylo Ren, winning was an obligation. It didn’t bother him. He did win always. He never disappointed his master. Snoke even tried to make him a loser with his mind torture tricks, but Kylo had a long history with fighting against his own thoughts. He never beat his master, because he couldn’t treat the Supreme Leader with torture. However, he did learn all the mind tricks he could with his new master.

Fighting for the dark side made he feel different. It wasn’t balance, but precipice. His descent on the dark got stronger with each training, the raw energy fed by angry, passion, and an obsession: be the best. There was no surprise when he became the Master of The Knights of Ren. _Lord Ren_. He couldn’t hide how proud he felt seeing Snoke smiling with satisfaction.

Kylo Ren had _never_ lost _. Until her._

First, she resisted his mind intrusion. After she physically beat him.

Well, if he has to be fair, Rey had never fought the true _Kylo Ren._ He didn’t _want_ to fight her. Or intrude on her mind. But he wanted to keep her for him. And _that_ he lost.

The year after that episode made him feel as if he was a child again. He had to learn how to deal with a Force Bond and fight against his own mind again. He had to fight against his master’s mind tricks to hide that connection with the jedi. He had to learn new forms to deal with the dark side, but what he hated the most was _fighting with her_. Through the bond or when she used to appear with the Resistance during a First Order’s mission. It was a foolish and stupid acting. Fake. There wasn’t peace on their lightsabers duels because he didn’t want to hurt her.

She thought differently though. Each one of her hits against him proved how she liked and wanted to hurt him. But, when it was over and they would fight again through the bond, she would say, “Don’t go soft on me. They will notice.”

When she helped him to escape the First Order, they fought the whole way back to Ahch-To. For everything. He hated it.

They used to train with staffs, because the first time they dueled with sabers she lost her equilibrium and his saber almost burned her skin. She didn’t talk to him for a week. _So stubborn. So beautiful_. At night, trying to sleep, he could feel his chest heavy. Suffering. He didn’t want to fight with her. He _wanted_ her.

Even their first kiss started with a fight and ended with them yelling at each other. Something like “I didn’t want to kiss you. You’ve manipulated me” and “Yeah. I did manipulate you when you came over me.”

They stopped with that when _she_ finally decided that she loved him. It took time. He had told her how he felt during one of their make out sessions that had turned into a stupid bickering session about _Finn_.

“Ok, Rey. I got that you lie to yourself saying that if he were here you wouldn’t be kissing me. You know what? That’s fine to me. I’m done! I _love_ you. And I’m sorry you’re in love with _Kylo Ren._ I’m not training, kissing, or listening to your voice on my head anymore. I’m done!”

It took one week.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t like Finn the way I… _like_ you.” she had said.

“It’s not enough to me. I will keep my distance.”

“What? But I’ve just admitted I like you. You can’t deny that your past makes difficult to anyone to like you the way I do!”

“Oh. _Thank you_!” He said sarcastically. “You’re right. You’re so generous with me. I’m sure when we kiss you’re just pitying me.  You can _like_ another person if you _want_.”

“You know very well that we can’t choose those things. And I’m bonded to you, which means I’ll never get rid of you.”

Ben lost his patience. “You know very well this bond doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t influence your choices. I more than like you. Your pity, generosity and frustration about _liking_ someone you’re supposed to hate are not enough to me. Thank you, but I decline.”

She didn’t reply. He had finally _won_. And he didn’t feel well. Or in peace with his decision. He turned to leave the hut.

“I love you.” She whispered. “I don’t want to love anyone else. I admire you for your past actually. It takes a lot of courage to admit our own mistakes and make a step back. I was wrong making you believe you didn’t deserve my love. I don’t want to fight anymore against everything I’m feeling right now.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. “What did you just say?”

“ That I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“No. The other _thing._ ” He said cautiously approaching her.

Her eyes shone but she remained serious. “That I love you.”

“And?” He took another step towards her.

“You’re going to make me repeat everything, aren’t you? Fine. I love you. I don’t want to love anyone else. I won’t love anyone else the way I love you.”

One victory.

After that, they got even stronger on their physical training. Fighting and dueling  with his partner became something so sublime. Mind, body and heart working together, no parts missing.

* * *

 

Hannah cried in her room and he went to see her. But, _she_ was already there. He stayed watching them both from the threshold.

“Hello, Honey Hannah. What’s going on with you? Are you hungry? Or you  have one of your little diaper’s surprises for mommy?”

She took Hannah from her crib laughing. “It’s a diaper surprise then. Let’s get rid of it.” She took their baby to the diaper changing table. “You know, Hannah, Mommy is sad. She loves Daddy, but he’s so stubborn sometimes.  Do you believe he has been blocking our bond for one week? He doesn’t even talk to me. Well, I did something very wrong. Do you think he can forgive me?”

Hannah giggled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She sang an Alderaanian song Leia had taught her to make Hannah sleep again.

He came back to the couch closing his eyes. After ten minutes, she came pulling the sheet roughly from his body. “You have to make some room to me.” She said trying to lie down with him. He was surprised by that action, but he did as she asked. Fighting against himself with all his forces, he didn’t hug her back when she did.

“I’m sorry for saying you shouldn’t fly with the Falcon.” She started. “It’s yours even if your father has given it to me.”

“It’s ours. I don’t care if you don’t want me to take it. That’s not why I’m upset.”

“I know. I’m sorry for saying that you hadn’t any right to take it because your father didn’t believe you could come back home when he gave it to me.”

He took a sitting position staring at the wall. She did the same. “I hate fighting with you. But every time you want the things on your own way you bring the Kylo Ren topic over and over again. I can’t fight _this_. I can’t keep arguing when everything is already my fault due to my past. It’s almost seven years with you. And you keep doing it. So, from now on, I won’t talk anymore. I’ll keep my silence and my distance until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Look at me, Ben.” He did it. “Keeping your silence and distance isn’t going to help, okay? It’s…I know I’m stubborn, stupid and that I don’t think before speak those things. But I…”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t mean it. “ He said through his teeth. “Once, twice. I can get it. But every single time I’m right, you lose your temper. I thought _I_ had to keep _my_ temper under control. Not yours. Sincerely, I love you, but I think that fighting against the obvious thing is killing me. I don’t want to fight anymore. I know it kills you to be with _Kylo Ren._ Maybe I should… ” He couldn’t complete the sentence. It hurt _so much_.

“What?” She frowned.

“I’m a warrior, Rey. A fighter. I was the best before you. No weakness. You make me weak. I do all you want because I’m afraid you’ll leave me. But there’s one thing I think it would make you love me more and that I can’t give you. I can fight against my past, but I can’t erase it. I’m sorry you’re married with me. I’ll always be Kylo Ren. But you don’t have to be _married_ with me.”

Rey seemed shocked. “Is it over? Can I talk now?”

“Go ahead.”

“I don’t hate the fact that you’ve been Kylo Ren. I hate the fact you always have better arguments than I do when we fight. So, I play dirty. That’s all. It was a good tactic until now. Do you see? I’m the vulnerable one now. No more tactics. I’m a warrior too, you know. Do I make you weak, Ben? Sorry, but you have to apologize for that too. _You_ make me weak too.”

“Stop fighting with me. This is not a competition. We should make each other stronger.”

“Exactly. That’s why I _like_ fighting with you. That’s what makes this relationship stronger than anything else.”

“What? Why?” he looked at her as if she had lost her mind.

She sat astride him. His body was already giving in. It was difficult to keep his focus. One week without _her_.

“I like making up with you. I like when you kiss me wantonly trying to balance the effort to control yourself all the time. Losing control is healthy. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so deeply this time. But I don’t want your silence or indifference. I want you with me. On our bed and showing how stupid I am for fighting with someone that loves me so much that he’s capable of thinking of leaving to make me happy. I love you. You’re not weak. You’re my fortress.”

He grabbed her waist and felt her body relaxing against his. “ _You’re my fortress._ That’s what _I_ say to you. You’re stealing my line.” He started kissing her neck and jawline.

“Are we fighting again?”

“No. You can keep it.”

“You can take the Falcon tomorrow. Your father would be very happy.”

“Thanks. I’ll take care of it. Now, let’s make uo.” He kissed her opening their bond and showing how hard he wanted to be with her.

She gasped for air. “I love when you kiss me that way. I’ll never fight this.”

“I know.”

Ben Solo loves fighting. It keeps him away from Kylo Ren. And closer to _her_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took more time to write this, but last Friday Aerosmith came to my city and I didn't have time to write Saturday I was sleeping and dreaming with I don't wanna miss a thing and other songs. This one is longer than the other chapters, but I prefer this way than leaving things unsaid. Thanks for all the good comments, kudos and hits! I feel blessed with you, guys!


	9. Day 9 - With Chewie

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 9 – With Chewie

Kylo Ren hated mirrors. His body was the bare image of his defeats and he despised losing. Every scar was from a lost cause. First, the scar on his face. He failed when it should have been the easiest mission of his entire life: to kidnap a girl. He couldn’t imagine she would resist and he would be weak. His chest and back had lines and lines, reminders of his _master_ whipping punishments.

A curious thing: the scar he hated the most was the one that hurt less than th e others did. It had been given by a Wokkie. That scar remembered him he had failed not only Han Solo, but every single person he used to love and that loved him back. To Chewbacca he wasn’t Ben anymore. The little boy he watched when Han and Leia were very busy fighting was gone. Gone were all the afternoons spent in the garden playing with paper made ships making them fly through the flowers. Gone were the hugs. Ben was gone. His father’s best friend made it clear when he opened fire against someone who used to call him uncle.

He hated the scar for the reason that it remembered how far he had gone and how impossible was to come back.

 _Coming back home was everything he wanted_.

When _she_ appeared at his quarters during an attack of the Resistance against the _Finalizer_ , to rescue him from the First Order, it had been a year after Starkiller. _He_ was with her. During the entire mission, he didn’t talk to him.

Once the Falcon’s closed behind them and Rey made the hyperdrive work, he turned to Chewie and tried to talk.

“Ahsc coorcrcro, oaacwoohahwo. ahww rooohu orwhwo-  (I’m sorry, Chewie. If you kne-)”

“Cakworaorahwhrr cacrorcahahohooooor ohoowhao scraorwo aoacraao woracro aooo rooohu. ahsc whooao acworc wwoorc rooohu. ahsc acworcwo rhwooarahucwo rcworo racorwowa scwo aooo.  (Speaking Shyriiwook won’t make that easy to you. I’m not here for you. I’m here because Rey asked me to.)”

“Ah'sc coorcrcro (I’m sorry.)”

“Ah waoowhao wohowowh orwhoooh ohacoo rooohu rarcwo rawhroscoorcwo. (I don’t even know who you are anymore.)”

“Ben. I’m still myself. Even if it seems difficult to believe after…”

“Ah waoowh'ao ohrawhao aooo aoraanor rawhroscoorcwo. (I don’t want to talk anymore.)”

And he kept his word. He didn’t speak to Ben in the island during the first six months. He and Rey were already _together_. Their first month _together_ was celebrated when Ben saved the Falcon with the Force from colliding during one mission to find some old books from the first Jedi Order.

She kissed him with the wookie in the command room and left to check the mechanics as if it were the most normal thing. He was left alone with Chewbacca.

“She is just…happy, you know. The Falcon isn’t in pieces.”

Chewie surprised him with an awkward hug and left.  That was the beginning. After that they would talk, play Dejarik, cut the hair/fur of each other, use the same Darth Vader shampoo. They never talked about Han Solo, however.

When Hannah was born, his father’s birthday as well, the first person to carry her after Ben was Uncle Chewie. Even before Leia.

“Chewie, I have a gift to you for his birthday. Her name’s Hannah Solo. I know she’s not your friend, but she can be your new best friend and you new _niece_.” Ben spoke giving Hannah to the wookie.

“Rooohu oarawh oaraanan scwo huwhoaanwo rac rooohu raanohraroc waahwa. cacwo'c whooao scro whahwooawo. cacwo'c scro rrrcrawhwawhahwooawo. rawhwa scro whwooh wwrcahwowhwa. (You can call me uncle as you always did. she's not my niece. She's my grandniece and my new friend.)”.

“Thank you, Uncle Chewie.

* * *

 

“Scrascra! (Mama!)”

Ben turned to look at his daughter, eyes wide open. She was offering some hwotha berries to Rey from her high chair.

“Scrascra.”

“Why is she growling like this?” Rey asked laughing.

“She’s not growling. She’s speaking Shyriiwook.”

With her mouth ajar from her surprise, she asked marveled with the fact their baby was talking, “And what did she just say?”

Ben narrowed his eyes and suddenly blocked their bond. “Dada.”

Rey  raised her left eyebrow to him. “Why did you block me?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” She left the kitchen screaming, “Chewie! Come here!”.

“Ok, Hannah. Say ‘warawara’ (Dada)” He growled repeatedly. But his baby started screaming “Scrascra”. And Rey was back with Chewie.

“I’m here, sweetheart.” The gray jedi master said opening her arms to take the little girl from her chair smiling victorious for her husband who had a deep scowl on his face.

But Hannah raised her small arms to Chewie who took her away from the couple.

Ben smiled. Chewie was the best baby-sitter in the universe. His first word had been “uncle” in Shyriiwook. Not Dad as Han Solo wanted.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best part of this chapter: looking for a translator from English to Shyriiwook. I found this one http://jalequin.atwebpages.com/Pages/Other/Translators/Shyriiwook.php


	10. Day 10 - With Luke

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 10 – With Luke

 

Ben always respected his uncle profoundly. When he was just a little boy, Luke was probably the best reference he had. His mother always busy with the galaxy, his father, with the Falcon and Chewie with his father. Therefore, Luke Skywalker, the last jedi, was the only one who used to spend time with Ben. He used to feel so well with his uncle, as if he could finally be himself, no restraints, no scolding for levitating things, or making some glasses blow up.

His uncle was like him. And he preferred to live near his sister to stay with Ben. He who could have the galaxy, but  he chose a little boy.

One night, he was putting his nephew to sleep when Ben asked him, “Why do you stay with me, uncle? With the Force you could be…let me see…anything.”

Luke smiled. “That’s not how the Force works, Ben. A true jedi must put the others before himself. And follow the will of the Force.”

The boy seemed startled by that. “Do you think the Force wants you to be only my uncle right now?”

“Yes. Well, that’s what it whispers to me. What does it whisper to you?” Luke asked amused.

Ben’s eyes seemed far away from the blue bedroom. “That I have to find _her_.”

His uncle frowned. “Who’s her?”

“The little girl from my dreams. But the Force whispers another thing to me. That I have to be a jedi like you.” He looked worried to his uncle. “I know! Maybe that’s the way to find her. Are you going to help me, uncle? Please!”

“Ben, calm down.” He chuckled. Don’t let your parents or even Chewie listen to that. They will say that I’ve manipulated you. But if that’s what you want, I can help you. The day I open my academy you’re coming with me if you want.”

Uncle Luke was the best! He was a hero, smart, kind, powerful…everything his parents and Chewie were, but he _cared_. He was the only person who always stopped to listen to Ben and try to help him with the Light and Dark side conflicts.

He tried to control his nephew’s impulses to the dark and explained that the voice he heard was the Dark whispering to him just as the Light used to do with the girls. Ben believed him, but he knew it was different.

Maybe that was the reason he hated his uncle even more than he hated his parents. After fighting with Leia Organa, he came back to the Jedi Academy and talked to his new master. Then, he became Kylo Ren. However, before leaving the Academy, he had a mission: opening the gates, so the other knights could come and destroy all the work of a life. Kylo Ren overwhelmed Ben Solo that night. Drowning on his passion, pain and thirsty for power, he didn’t see his uncle, but his former master, a traitor. The worst of all.

He _hated_ him.

“BEN. Look at what you’ve done!” Skywalker screamed. “You’ve killed them, Ben! Children, your friends. You ruined everything only because you’re letting yourself be seduced by him!”.

“Seduced by him? What about you trying to control my powers only because you’re afraid I’ll be more powerful than you someday. You always tried to keep me from what I am.

“And who are you, Ben?”

“I’m your ruin, jedi. I’m Darth Vader’s grandson. And my name’s Kylo Ren.”

Kylo didn’t kill him that night. It wasn’t his mission. After that, the last jedi vanished.

Snoke asked the Master of the Knights of Ren to hunt his former master. Each piece of the map was taken with blood and torture, which feed his angst and hate for Skywalker. Ren made a promise to himself: he would kill his uncle once they were reunited.

 _She had the map_. He knew it. But he didn’t want to hurt the _girl_. And he lost it.

Next time he heard about his uncle was through _her._ One moment of weakness when he relaxed his mind. _“What do you want?”_ He asked roughly.

_“Nothing. I told your uncle I wanted an intense physical training. Do you know why?”_

_“I don’t care about your choices.”_

_“But I’m saying it anyway. I told him I wanted to be ready to kill you next time we meet.”_

_“Haha. Very well, then. Challenge accepted.”_ He knew that was only a mask he was wearing. He didn’t want to kill her. Seven months with her on his head made him feel almost _fine_ with this situation.

_“He laughed at me.”_

_“I told you I could teach you everything I know about the Force. If yo-”_

_“Shhh. I don’t want to talk about that. He laughed at me because he said I’m not being trained to kill you but to bring you back.”_

_“He said what?”_ And he felt his chest heavy, tears wanting to roll down his face. Come back. After everything he had done…his _uncle_ believed he could come back.

After three months, Luke received him with a _hug._

“I’m sorry, Ben. Now, I can truly understand you. I didn’t know before.”

He didn’t return the gest. He couldn’t. He had killed and destroyed _everything_ that man had fought to build. Still he was the one apologizing.

“It took a lot of time to understand what was going on with you. But after you left I came here looking for some answers. Ahch-Too has the ruins of one of the first Jedi Temples. I traveled through the whole galaxy looking for answers. I know now. Everything."

They talked about the prophecies. The one that predicted the chosen one who would bring balance to the Force and the older one. Forgotten and discarded.

"First comes the day

Then comes the night.

After the darkness

Shines through the light.

The difference, they say,

Is only made right

By the resolving of gray

Through refined Jedi sight."

 

“Let’s try again, Ben. Show me how you struggle with this. Being pulled by both sides must be unbearable. We’ll find a halfway together. Through the Light.”

 

“Thank you… _uncle._ ”

 

But Ben Solo would disappoint Luke Skywalker once again. It was difficult to stay focused with the Light when passion would devour him. _Rey_.

 

“I’m leaving.” He told the old jedi master.

 

“Oh. May I ask you why?” His uncle asked with his usual calm.

 

“I can’t take the Light. I know we’ve been trying to make it less painful, but I still feel broken inside. I…want something different from that.”

 

“Fine. Leave. I have a mission for you. Not as your master, but as your uncle.” He gave Ben a box. “Take a look. They talk about the Gray jedi. Some books, files. Not light. Not dark. Maybe _this_ is the answer to your way. It requires some time alone to think and to become what they call Gray”.

 

“Thank you for everything. I…You could’ve had rejected me. I’m sorry. I know I’m not the nephew you raised me to be. I destroyed everything you cared about. All your padawans, temples. I wish I could be the person you want me to be now. It hurts so much that I can’t be it.”

 

“I want you to find your way, Ben. But you’re right. That’s the second time you’ve disappointed me.”

 

Ben looked to his own hands ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

 

“The first time you didn’t give me room to explain myself. I understood as I was the one asking for you control yourself constantly. I didn’t tell you about Vader because I was afraid it would make you even more confused. Besides, I couldn’t understand your relationship with the Force. So, I forgave you. But, now, I’m really disappointed. You’re leaving _her_.” Luke looked at his nephew mischievously.

 

“How do you know about _her_?”

 

“I have two eyes and I’m force sensitive. I’m not that stupid. Do you remember when you were a boy you used to dream about a girl? It’s her, isn’t?”

 

Ben became desperate. “Please, don’t put her aside, uncle! She’s wonderful and so devoted to your training. She’s the future of your order. It was all my fault.”

 

“I won’t do anything against her path as a jedi. I thought you had more courage than that. Right now, you’re really your father’s son: you’re leaving because you can’t deal with the situation.”

 

“It will be better for both of us.”

 

“You’ve been dreaming on her for more than twenty years. Since you’re five and she wasn’t even born. Fight for her! Leave and come back.”

 

Kylo Ren left the Light Side. His family. His dreams.

 

Ben Solo would be the man who would never leave. He would always come back.

 

When Rey went to meet him during his exile, she told him that her master had explained everything about his dreams. She told him she used to dream on him too. Daydreams and nightmares always with his voice saying, “I’ll come back, sweetheart. I promise.”.

 

Ben would always be thankful to his uncle. Even if he kept interrupting Ben and Rey make outs, using his Darth Vader shampoo, teaching Hannah how to play with sand or asking Ben to go and find a new padawan in the outer rim.

For the galaxy, he was Luke Skywalker, the Last Great Jedi. To Ben Solo, he was the man who never left. And he would be just like his uncle. he had learned the lesson.

 


	11. Day 11 - First Order

30 days of Kylo Ren

 

Day 11 – First Order

 

He was entering the _Finalizer_ for the first time. After the massacre at the Jedi Academy, Snoke had sent a small vessel to take him away definitely. Now, he had the impression the giant ship was devouring his small tie fighter. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind his neck that made him prickle. A shadow attacked and possessed his mind. It stung more and more when he screamed to find some release. Then, it squeezed his throat not letting him breath. The dark blur started to materialize into something else that was covering his whole face: a mask. His mask. Kylo Ren.

His eyes snapped open. Bathed in cold sweat, his bedroom was completely dark. For one moment, he thought he was back with the First Order. Her legs intertwined with his brought him back from the nightmare. He was no longer that creature in a mask, but those reminders would always haunt Ben Solo.

* * *

 

It was cold. Dark. Sterile. As he made his way out of the ship, a red-haired man in a dark uniform came to greet him.

“Be welcome, Lord Ren.” He said in a voice that showed how displeased he was for doing such a task. “The Supreme Leader asked me to show you your personal quarters.”

“What’s your name?”

“You may call me General Hux.”

Kylo didn’t answer with the usual ‘Nice to meet you’. It wasn’t a pleasure. It was an obligation for both men.

His new quarters darker than the main hall where Hux greeted him. Colder. Dark wall adorned a black bed covered with gray sheets. The low illumination provided a red and yellow glow. Turning to look for a refresher, there was a mirror a small table. On the table, some black clothes and a box. First, he contemplated his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a mess, his eyes surrounded by a light gray denouncing the three nights he spent without sleeping. His jedi tunic tainted with blood.

 _Jedi killer_ , the other knights had called him.

No tears shed. His heart was full of darkness. His eyes were rimmed with red and where you would find before a sea of honey-brown kindness seemed then as a deep black hole. Looking into those eyes was like looking to the shadow itself. Empty.

The mirror was actually the door to the refresher. He took the clothes with him and entered the small room. After the shower, he got dressed with his new uniform. Slowly. Each piece felt heavier as if it was an armor. First his pants. His boots. A shirt. A tunic. A belt. His gloves. Heavy. As if he was wearing a night without moon and stars. Heavy in all its glory darkness.

He stepped out of the refresher closing the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror again. A new man. Forged into darkness. Opening the box and touching carefully the thing inside of it, he took out his new face. Kylo Ren didn’t have eyes, hair, moles. He wasn’t a man. He was born over the cadaver of Ben Solo. He was a new beginning.

He put on the mask. Suffocating. Looking through the visor, he realized that he couldn’t see clearly. His sight was dark, haunted. A deformed sight haunted by shadows. Kylo Ren couldn’t see the things as they were. His mask was the barrier between him and the truth that was his family.

Ben Solo was gone. The First Order would raise a new leader. The Master of the Knights of Ren finally felt welcomed.

* * *

 

Ben freed himself from Rey’s embrace and left their warm bed. He was afraid again. Afraid for his family. The nightmares with the First Order never left him. They remembered Ben of the other nightmares that used to haunt his bedtime when he was only a boy. Visions that would make him fear the future then and now.

Hannah was _his_ daughter. If she had the same problems, would he be able to help her?

He went to the living room and sat on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Warm tears fell down his cheeks after a bad restrained sob. He didn’t deserve his family. He shouldn’t be with them.

“Ben? What are you doing here? Come back to bed!” Rey’s voice came from the other side of the room.

Without looking at her, he gulped hard and felt her approaching him slowly.

“Are you ok?” She asked concerned.

Finally, he dared look at her. “I shouldn’t be with you and Hannah. You’ll be both caring a burden that is all mine. How am I going to tell her about the First Order and Kylo Ren? She’ll hate me, Rey.” He was crying desperately. “I can’t bear it.”

“We’ll find a way. She’s force sensitive too, Ben. She’s going to understand what the Dark side can do. She’ll never hate you. I promise.” His wife kneeled before him putting her delicate hands over his knees.

“Exactly. She’s force sensitive. What if she reacts the same way I did with the true about my family?”

Rey grabbed his face and looked deeply into his honey-brown eyes. “Ben, Kylo Ren is gone. The First Order is over. They are not going to haunt our baby and if someone does it, we’re going to protect her. There’ll be no more lies, she’ll know the truth, because we’re going to explain everything to her. She’ll have both parents with her. And if someday she falls, we’re going to rescue her. Together. Don’t be afraid of your past. Let it go.”

“Would you hold me, please?”. He needed her. She smiled and sat on his lap putting her arms around his neck while he tightened their embrace and inhaled the sweet fragrance of her soft skin. It was enough to make him feel better.

They stayed like this for a long time until Hannah interrupted them.”

“When is she going to sleep the whole night? He asked smiling.”

“I don’t know, but now it’s your turn, Dad.”

“But…earlier it was my turn too.” Ben looked at her startled. “You’re cheating, Rey Solo.”

She seemed hurt. “No. I’m not. Apparently, your terrible past with the First Order and Kylo Ren doesn’t matter when she wants to be with _you_. If I go there now, she’s not going to eat. She’s just going to cry until I take her to you.”

Ben chuckled. “You’re jealous!”

“No, I’m not. I know my daughter loves me…”

“Be careful,” he teased her. “Jealousy can take you to the Dark Side.”

She laughed while Hannah cried again.

“I’ll be waiting for you, then. To show you who’s the Supreme Leader here.”

She’s right. The First Order is only a bad memory. His nights have a different meaning now. The dark could be full of sweet moments. And he loved each one of them.


	12. Day 12 - With Snoke

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 12 – With Snoke

 

He was seven the first time the _voice_ spoke to him. Before, he used to see himself making a reverence to a gray shadow in a dark room when he had nightmares.

“Ben.” He called. “I know you”. He said with that creep voice. “I know how powerful you can be, child.”

“Who are you?” he asked scared.

“A friend.” His tone was playful. “Tell me. What have you been doing with your uncle?”

“He’s training me. I’m going to be a jedi like him.”

“You could be _better_ though. Greater than Luke Skywalker. Have you ever imagined that?”

Ben laughed.  “This is not possible. He’s LuKe Skywalker. No one can beat him. I want to be just like him.”

The _voice_ laughed back. A dark laughter that made his head spun. Suddenly, it was gone. The little boy opened his eyes knowing that it wasn’t a dream or a nightmare. His parents said he was overreacting; Uncle Luke introduced him to new meditation techniques. None of them helped him.

The _voice_ was always inside his mind, whispering he was special, and that he was the only one who could truly understand and _free_ Ben. Control. Ben always wanted to forget about control and _free_ himself. However, he would always think of the others. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. That was _bad_. He didn’t want to be evil, so he avoided the Dark with all his forces.

When he was ten, the voice gave itself a name: Snoke.

“For now, you can call me Snoke. But someday you’ll call me master and we’ll be strong as your grandfather used to be.”

“My grandfather?” Curiosity would be his death just as Uncle Luke had predicted. “Did you know him?”

“I’ve heard about him. He was like you, Ben. Strong with both sides of the Force.”

“How?” he asked suspiciously.  “I know it hurts. How did he live like this? I feel as if my mind was going to melt when I try to choose one.”

“He chose the Dark side. In the Dark all the powers you learned from the Light can be…”

“Enough! I don’t believe you. You’re the Dark side talking to me! My uncle is right. I won’t let you talk to me again!”. Surprisingly, the voice stopped for a while. It was the first time he built a wall between him and the creep creature.

During five years, the little boy was able to block Snoke. However, after that, he could feel his self-control seeping through his fingers when the Light hurt him for denying his true nature: the Dark side. He tried to contain his powers day and night. The first he experienced the force lightening was terrifying. He could feel his defeat, and, despite of all his efforts, the person he _truly_ was showing bit by bit, making him weak before his uncle.

Luke Skywalker couldn’t help him. He had already taught Ben all he knew. Therefore, Ben took the risk: he opened the ways of his mind fully to Snoke, asking for his guidance. Through the dark.

“Let your passion and frustration feed your energy. Feel how strong you already are. The Dark is your home now. Do you see it?”

“Yes. I see it, _Master_.”

For six years, Ben Solo had two identities and masters. It worked well. Light and Dark working together. Then, the truth about his family destroyed his peaceful path of balance. Ben remembered a conversation he had thirteen years before: Snoke was right about his grandfather.

“Master, show me Dark Side. Now, I see it clearly.”

“Use your pain, anger and angst to improve your powers to pass your first trial. You’ll have to destroy your former master’s legacy.”

As if a gate had been open between them, Snoke would always guide him whe he struggled to kill someone.

 _Do it_. The voice would say and his saber would execute the order almost on its own will.

Kylo Ren was inside of him. He had just to let his master pull the strings to make him appear.  He felt like a pawn but he kept lying to himself. _The Supreme Leader is wise. The Dark has unknown paths, I need his guidance_.

He never understood however why killing seemed such a different task.

He always needed the direction of that angry and almost lustful voice to accomplish his missions.

_Do it._

After the act, he would feel sick and hallowed.

 _Do it._ The padawans fell down.

 _Do it_. Lor San Tekka fell down.

 _DO IT!_ Han Solo fell down.

 _Do it._ He couldn’t.

 _She_ was different. The other voice in his head.

“You have compassion for her.” Damn it. He was an open book.

“Never. Compassion for an enemy of the Order?” He lied poorly.

“You’ve accomplished your two biggest trials. You killed your father and weakened your uncle. you’ll kill her or she’ll kill you.”.

Somehow, that was enough. The wall was back. Stronger than when he was ten. He kept training after Starkiller, but without his master’s voice. He tried to come in. Closed. Every time, they meet, the Supreme Leader would threat him: “You’re planning behind my back. I can feel it. Betray me, Kylo Ren. I’ll kill her myself.”

“I would never do such a thing, Supreme Leader.” But his eyes had a defying glow.

Snoke never knew about the connection he shared with the jedi. He could even have the power of manipulating, but it wasn’t as strong as a _wanted_ bond.

He left. And after two years of small battles against bounty hunters from both sides of the war and himself, he was on a mission with Rey when she was captured by the First Order. It was the first time he worked with the Resistance. Their final great battle. Four days to get prepared. The Resistance against the First Order. Ben Solo against Snoke.

Ben found him in a dark room. Behind _her_. Rey was breathing heavy, her saber activated. Her hazel eyes, now full of anger, flashing a fierceness he knew very well: the first they dueled. His former master whas whispering inside _her_ mind. _Do it. So easy_.

Deactivating his weapon, he approached her taking her hand that was holding fast her saber hilt. Just like his father had done with him.

“Don’t be silly, boy. She’s not weak. She’s going to kill you.” He said satisfied.

“Yes. She will. And that you’ll be your end.” Ben answered more to himself than to Snoke whose guidance was wrong. When Kylo killed Han Solo, it became impossible to make him a sith. Because he still loved Han. Snoke misunderstood the meaning of killing all kind of affection with a physical death. _Sometimes,_ he told her through their bond, _we have to get rid of someone we love to make everything well again_.

“I need your help”. She said.

“Anything.”

Her weapon deactivated and she passed down on his arms. Pale. Cold. Drained. He felt it again. So angry _. Let anger feed your power._ So angry _. Let pain increase your energy._ So angry _. That for once he choose to be Kylo Ren. And kill his master._

“I told you I would kill her if you didn’t.” Snoke spoke with calm. “It’s your fault actually.” He said sarcastically. “You belong to _me_. I hope you’ve enjoyed your vacancies.” Arrogantly he turned his back to Ren walking to his _throne_. No weapons.

_Do it._

Snoke fell down.

“You were right. I was planning behind your back.”

That night, he force healed someone for the first time.

“You saved me.” She whispered to him.”

“No. I’m Ben Solo. Kylo Ren saved you.”

“I love them both.”

“I’m happy you’ll be the only voice in my head now.”

“So am I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I'm late, but I'm going to add the Day 13 - Dark Side later. Hope you enjoy and thank you so much for every single comment! I'm so happy with them! :D


	13. Day 13 - Dark Side

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 13 – Dark Side

He felt so relieved the first time he delved into his training at the First Order.

 _Free._ Finally free. His blood boiled and his skin tingled. He could feel the power flowing through his veins. _Force. It felt so good._ No shame of showing himself as he truly was. For the first time in years, he hadn’t to control his temper or be afraid of hurting someone, because now he was _encouraged_ to do it.

He was enjoying being Kylo Ren. The powerful and feared Master of the Knights of Ren. Anger fed his acts. No more of “Control yourself, Ben.” Ben. A silly stupid boy who used to believe his mother. Every time he thought about his _family_ , fury would surface and another training would successfully found his way to the tech garbage.

He had passion and thirst for learning the ways to the Dark Side. The shadows felt like home to him. The Supreme Leader was wise and generous. Every wrong step toward compassion he made would be punished with pain to remember him the side he belonged with.

On the other side, every right step toward darkness was rewarded with a prize. Generally, _a woman_. Lust was a good way to encourage the dark energy inside him, but it would never overwhelm _passion_.

He knew passion. For power. For fighting. For vengeance. But not for a woman. They were not worthy of his impetuosity. Passion was better than anger. Than pain. It started in the shadows, crawling, craving, growing. Then, it burned his skin and dilated his pupils. When he attacked with passion it was as if the galaxy was expanding inside his mind. Something he would never have as a jedi.

He had never felt it for a woman until _her_. Until Starkiller Base.

After that, he would dream with her, but the dreams were different from before. There was heat, his hands grasping her tiny waist and her hair exhaling her scent.

It was driving him insane.

He tried to suppress it with intense physical training, with other missions, with other techniques. But never with a woman. Never again another woman, but _her._ It was an obsession. If his master was really pleased with the improvement of his past on the dark, explaining him that it was because he had passed his trials killing his father, Kylo knew very well what was actually going on with him. Passion was making him delve into the Dark Side and simultaneously pulling him to the _Light_. He was frustrated. Why, oh, Force, was he so contradictory?

And the dreams kept happening. She was torturing him. Kissing him.  Through their bond, however, they used to fight as if they hated each other. Maybe they did. They hated each other for having those desires. He was pulling her to the Dark and she was pulling him to the Light.

It hurt. He wanted to leave the Dark Side, but the Light Side would try to suppress this feeling that was only allowed in the Dark. Besides, he didn’t want to get rid of it. He _wanted_ her. When he thought about her in that way he could feel the shadows surrounding him. He _needed_ her.

But leaving the First Order was only his first battle. During five months, he would look at her without making his wishes come true. Trapped between light and darkness once again. Finally she kissed him. Her mouth so sweet, hot, inviting. It wasn’t enough though. The dark side was consuming him. And it was starting to show.

“Ben, it’s the dark pulling you again. You have to find a way. Halfway maybe. Try.” His uncle said after he threw a temper.

She _laughed_ at him. He _hated_ her.

One night, it happened. Their first time had been amazing. Better than anything else. Still, he contained his passion, because she deserved to be _loved._ They made love their first time.

It wasn’t enough though.

A beautiful afternoon, Luke and Chewie took the Falcon to buy some supplies for them. They were alone, sitting on the grass after their saber duel training. His skin tingled. Raw energy. He stared at her eyes, lips, breasts, thighs…his body was answering quickly to her. She loosened her buns letting her hair fell down on beautiful waves blowing on the wind and her scent invaded his senses.

She looked back at him, narrowing her eyes. “Stop staring at me like that. I’ll be afraid of you.”

He gave her a dark smile. “No, you won’t.”

She licked her lips before biting her lower lip. It was enough. He wanted to devour her. He started to stand up and she ran into their hut.

She didn’t go so far. He caught her on the living room, if the piece could be called like that. Pressing her small body to his, made him realize how hard she made him with almost nothing. His eyes were burning wanting to consume her. He kissed her thoroughly while she kissed him back tugging at his tunic. With their bond fully open, he could feel how hard _she_ wanted him back. The dark in her and the light in him were moving in unison through the Force, freeing her from her jedi restrictions and making him see better through the dark fog that was his head now.

He undressed her while she did the same to him. He put her on the table, lying on her back, looking at her flushed cheeks and swollen, wet lips. A predatory instinct took him. When he entered her, she closed her eyes opening even more their bond. He shivered from the way of pleasure that traveled through his body. It wasn’t enough.

He moved out and back into her with a forceful thrust this time. She closed the bond and her eyes snapped open. He stopped abruptly, afraid of having hurting her. The Dark Side always hurt. She tightened her legs around his hips beckoning him to kiss her. A _greedy_ kiss. “Right _there_. Do it again.” She whispered and the bond made him delve into her pleasure.

She didn’t have to ask twice. So hot. So _right_. Their bodies, minds, hearts intertwined. Dark and Light moving together. Balanced.

Then, their rhythm became heavier and quicker. He couldn’t say who was the one moaning and asking for more…until the galaxy exploded inside of them surrounded by a gray light. Gray as dawn, when the night is not over and the day has not yet raised.

The Light side was right. _There’s no chaos, there’s harmony._

But the Dark Side, he was even more right. He was better. _Through Passion, I gain strength._

_And the Force shall free us._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Let me know if the Dark Side was good for yoy!


	14. Day 14 - With Hux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, people! I'm late! But I'll be posting everything until tuesday!:) Thanks for your comments, kudos, hits...It's wonderful! Hope you enjoy Hux!

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 14 – with Hux

Hux was an asshole. Since the beginning. Apparently, he didn’t change after the First Order’s defeat. Ben, Luke, Leia and Rey were at the same room trying to interrogate the red-haired general about a lost project, the Stareater, they heard from a group of Stormtroopers captured on the outer rim. But that was all the troopers knew about it. Ben had heard it from Snoke while he was in Droomund Kaas, by the fourth month of his sith training, after Starkiller. His former master said the sector of strategic was still working on it.  After that, he didn’t listen about it. So, they deduced the General was working on it secretly.

“You’ll tell her where the plans are. Those ones you were working on after the First Order lost the Starkiller. _Tell her.”_ He said, gritting his teeth.

For three hours, Leia Organa has been trying to take something from Hux. After the Final Battle, when Snoke perished, the Resistance made of Armitage Hux a prisoner with benefits. No cells. No restraints. Good food. Still, he’s not helping.

“I’ve already said that I know nothing about it, Ren.”  He answered arrogantly. “It surprises me how well you work with your _mother_ now. If I remember, you used to hate her.” His tone was full of sarcasm.

Ben was losing his patience. “Stop with your mumbo-jumbo. You will tell her _everything_ you know about it. Last week, we heard from a group of Stormtroopers that the works were embargoed until second order from the Supreme Leader himself. You were a _general_. Hux, we want the plans.”

“I can’t tell you anything. I don’t know about Stareater.”

Ben’s right fist hit the table. “Stop lying! I remember you had the files on your hand when I came to the _Finalizer_ to help with the trooper’s rebellion.”

“I don’t remember a thing about that.”

Rey gasped, hiding her face with her small hands. She looked worried to her boyfriend. “Ben, I believe him. I think it’s our fault he doesn’t remember about Stareater.”

“WHAT?”

“Do you remember what happened that day?”

* * *

 

Kylo couldn’t understand why he was needed on board. He was almost getting used to his training routine in Dromund Kaas, and almost happy with the dreams he was having. _She_ was always there and it felt so _real_ sometimes. He asked himself if it was only a dream. But, the Supreme Leader himself said he should go to contain a stormtrooper rebellion occasioned by some troopers who wanted to follow the example of _FN – 2187,_ the traitor. Kylo hated him.

Apparently, Hux and Phasma were having problems to find out who were the insurgents, and Snoke thought he should go to make them feel the power of the Dark Side making them remember the Master of The Knights of Ren and his power: the man who put the traitor in coma.

Intimidating wasn’t a difficult task, when it concerned the stormtroopers. Raised to serve and to bow to their leaders, that mission wouldn’t last more than two days. But two days in the presence of General Hux were enough to make him humorless. That small, thin, arrogant, little man was always competing with him for Snoke’s attention, and he was always between Kylo and Rey. First, with the droid.

“Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us. That the girl was all we needed. As a result, the droid has most likely been returned to the hands of the enemy. They may have the map already.”

Well, ok. He was right about that. That was the problem, he was always right. Even when he put that tracker on his belt. Actually, Hux had saved him. That’s the reason why Kylo Ren hates Armitage Hux. He owes the red-haired official. He’s arrogant, cold and efficient while Kylo’s just an inconsequent _boy_.

Hux was waiting for him at the hangar, with an envelope still closed on his hands: _Stareater_. Kylo knew it was the new First Order’s super weapon. Reading Hux’s mind quickly, he could tell it was the first time the General was being informed about it. “Ren. The troopers are waiting for us. I’ll let you handle the situation with Captain Phasma while I go to the command center to study about our new weapon against The Republic.”

“Are you that weak as a general that you can’t contain a simple rebellion from your soldiers?

Hux blushed slightly. “Let’s say that I’m having some issues with an _army_ and not being beaten by an untrained _girl_.”

Ren sighed heavily but said nothing. He wanted to force choke the general.

“Now, listen to me.” The red-haired continued. “There’s someone talking to them. One sheep is enough to destroy the entire group. Find that stormtrooper and bring him to me. If you do it, I’ll stop teasing you about _her_.”

“Done.”

They met the Captain halfway and proceeded to the stormtroopers’ common hall. They were standing wearing their usual uniforms and helmets. Hux left and went to the Command Center. Suddenly, he felt _her_. Their bond had been closed for a week now, as if she was hiding. Now, he could feel her so intensely. _She_ was there. Among them.

“Leave”. All the soldiers followed Phasma. When _she_ was passing by him, he took her by her forearm. “You stay”.

“Take off that helmet. You look ridiculous. What are you doing here?” But when he saw her long hair resting on her shoulders and those hazel eyes, his heart warmed.

“I took off my helmet. Take offyour mask and I’ll answer you.”

He did and it was amazing to look at her with his own eyes. She looked at his scar. Her _gift_ to him. A remember of how strong she was.

_I’m on a mission for you mother._

_She’s not my mother. What kind of mission would put you trapped among the Stormtroopers? Is she crazy?_

_Don’t talk about her like that! You were dreaming last night. So, I took the chance to spy your thoughts and find out about…if you knew something new from you master. I’m here for Stareater._

_You’re crazy!_

_Yes, I am. I’m still talking to you when I should kill you._

“I don’t want to kill you.” He spoke loud.

_I know._

They stared to each other for some time until she blinked. “They have an efficient camera system here.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll get rid of it. How did you get here?” He was amazed by what she was capable of doing.

“I stopped on a planet where a battalion was going to come back to the _Finalizer_. It was easy to get into the ship.”

“We have to get you out of here.” He said worried. “You can steal my ship.”

She agreed. “First, I have to find the plans.”

The file was at the command center. With Hux. That _girl_ would be the death of him.

“Put your helmet back and come with me.”

They entered the Command Center. It was empty. The file was on the table. She took it and put it back on the table. He frowned under his mask. What was she doing now? She took her helmet off again, and held his hand. It burned. A sparkle of energy passing through her fingers and travelling his whole body. _Force_. He wanted to snatch her to him, especially after his last dream.

“Thank you for helping me.” Those sweet eyes were looking at him.

“Have you seen them? My dreams?” He asked whispering and getting closer to her.

She blushed. “Yes. Do you think they are _just_ dreams?”

His heart skipped a bit. “Do you feel it too?” He made another step towards her. _So close._

She nodded looking into his eyes. “I do.”

His other arm enlaced her waist bringing her to him, leaving no room between their bodies. She gasped from the contact, but she didn’t break their stare. Hazel eyes and parted lips approaching his. Their breaths meeting halfway. Her eyes fluttered closed. He could almost feel her lips, her taste.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

Hux entered the room with a cup of caf on his left hand. His eyes were wide and his mouth contorted of anger.

Rey took her blast instinctively, but Kylo stopped her, raising his other hand to Hux.

“You’ll forget _everything_ you saw today. All of it. You’re going to leave this room and go back to your personal quarters. Sleep until tomorrow.”

As if he was under a spell, the red-haired repeated everything in a mechanical way: “I’ll forget _everything_ I saw today. All of it. I’m going to leave this room and go back to my personal quarters. I’ll sleep until tomorrow.” He left the room, closing the door behind him.

Ren looked at Rey. _Of course,_ their moment was gone. _Hux_ would pay for it. But, she looked up at him standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He blushed.

“Thank you, Ben.”

She took the file and other papers and left.

* * *

 

Luke hit Ben’s head. “BEN! You wiped off _everything_ of his day?”

“I was overreacting, okay?”

Leia sighed frustrated. “That doesn’t make sense. Rey brought to me some pathetic love poems and some _sexy_ photos of Hux wearing fancy underwear.”

Armitage Hux was dying of embarrassment, but he looked as if he was dying of asphyxiation. Ben could tell by the intense scarlet color his face assumed. So was he, but it wasn’t because he was embarrassed but because he couldn’t’ stop laughing.

“I can explain that.” His girlfriend answered Leia. “In my way to the hangar, I bumped into Phasma. Some papers flew through the air and I think that’s when I lost the real file.” Rey said worried.

“But why no one told him after that about the super weapon?” Leia asked to herself.

“Phasma.” Hux answered. “She always preferred Ren. And always tried to turn the others against my leadership. You have to look for her.”

Leia smiled looking at his son. “Ben, how do we say when people save and help us more than once?”

Ben looked at him, hating the smirk he had on his face. “Thank you, Armitage.”

His first name didn’t seem to bother him this time as it always used to. “You’re welcome, Ren. I’m glad I helped you, your uncle, mother and girlfriend. I’m sure both ladies enjoyed my photos.”

Ben wanted to hit Hux’s face, but Rey smiled softly. “Don’t worry, Ben. He’s right. We enjoyed a lot your photos, _General_. Actually, we were intrigued by your choice of underwear. Darth Vader and Lightsabers are Ben’s favorites. I didn’t know you liked them too. As for your poems, a “knight as dark as the night” is an awful choice to rhyme.”

Ben suddenly understood. Hux hated _the girl_ because he loved Kylo Ren.

Ben asked Rey to wipe off his memory after that.

 

 

 

 


	15. Day 15 - With Phasma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, everyone! So, until now, I've been doing a serie of one-shots slightly related, but for this chapter, you have to read chapter 2 (His Hair) and chapter 14 (with Hux) to understand. Hope you enjoy it! :)

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 15 – With Phasma

They were at the same room, after having captured Captain Phasma in a moon on the Outer Rim. She was hiding with a big part of the _Finalizer’s_ crew. She was the leader there.

“I was planning on giving the Stareater plans to you, Sir. I found out how deep you hate General Hux after we became closer due to your hair issue.

Luke coughed trying to hide his laugh.

“Go on.” Ben grumbled.

“When the insurgent was trying to steal your ship, I took the file, but I couldn’t contain that Stormtrooper. He paralyzed my body. I didn’t know that was even possible, Sir. After that, I went to the sector of war strategic and we made a deal: we were not going to show anything to General Hux, and we decided to wait for the Supreme Leader. But Snoke died and you left, Sir. We ran to that moon and hide waiting for your orders.”

“My orders?” Ben asked puzzled.

“You’re the Supreme Leader, Sir.” The Captain answered mechanically.

“Oh.” Ben understood now. He had killed Snoke. Therefore, he was the Supreme Leader. Their leader. Soldiers were waiting for him. Hux was a merely general. He was Snoke’s heir.

“But I defected, Captain.” He tried to explain.

“Sir, you’re still the Master of the Knights of Ren. The only one under Snoke. You’re the Supreme Leader and we’re still waiting for your orders, Supreme Leader.” She said that without blinking.

Phasma was a soldier. But she was more than that. She was a leader. A leader who claimed him as her own superior. He couldn’t let her without support. “I’ll ask General Organa to reintegrate you and the others to the New Republic system. Our army needs people like you and your soldiers, Captain.”

“It seems fair, Supreme Leader.” She nodded stoically.

“But,” he licked his lips trying to concentrate, “you’re going to work with _Finn_.”

“Work with a traitor? How can the Resistance and the Republic believe him after what he did to his former superiors? I don’t see how this could work.” She said worried.

“He’s doing an excellent job with the other Stormtroopers.” Ben admitted. “You’ll have to look at him as a captain too. One from each side.”

“Is it an order?” she asked naturally.

Ben sighed. “Yes, it is. I’m still your Supreme Leader, you still see me as Kylo Ren, so I order you to work with Finn. With us. For the galaxy.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“Okay. You’ll start tomorrow then.”

Ben was standing when she asked, “Sir, can I ask something.”

“Yes.”

“Would you make me a Knight of Ren’s Order?”

Ben’s mouth fell open. “Of course.”

He would make better. She would be the first woman ruling the Knights of Ren. The new Supreme Leader.


	16. Day 16 - Legacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I' know I'm late but work was really hard last week and University was tough. I'm tired! And the themes were difficult. I had to stop to study, to think and then write. I don't have a beta reader but I always read before posting. I didn't do that this time. I'll post and after I'll come back to change some things, but plot remains the same as always! :)

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 16 – Legacy

“Dad, can you train with me after dinner?”

“No, love. You have to go to bed.” Ben answered his six-year-old daughter serving her with mashed potatoes and some meat.

“But I- “

“No ‘buts’, Hannah. Your father is right. Tomorrow you have meditation with Uncle Luke and you have to wake up early.” Rey explained cutting their little padawan.

The little girl looked disappointed to her parents. Ben hated to see her like this. “Bu I can tell you a story before you go to bed. Which one would you like?”

Her eyes were bright with anticipation. “I know! I want yours!”

Ben gasped and coughed. “Mine?”

Rey looked apprehensively to her husband.

“Hannah, my story is not that _easy_ to tell in one night. It takes a lot of time to understand it.

“Everyone says that when I ask about you or Grandpa Han.” She contested. “It’s fine. I can sleep alone.” She was upset. He could say that for the frowning on her face. She looked so much like her mother.

“I can tell you one of my adventures when I lived on Jakku.” His wife suggested.

“Mom, you don’t know how to do it. You always prefer listening to Dad instead.” Hannah sighed.

Ben knew this day would come. He was afraid of it since the beginning. Afraid of his heritage. Afraid of who he had been and how it would affect his future. Now, it was his daughter’s future. The legacy had always been a problem in his life. Even before Kylo Ren. Suddenly, he remembered a young Ben Solo trying to be worthy of his heroes, of his family

* * *

 

Takodana had a lot of green and a wonderful blue milkshake, if he remembered well. It was his fifteenth birthday, so his mother took him at the Academy to spend the day with her and Han. Ben loved his mother, but his _father_ was something else. Despite his absence, the young man adored Han. 

“Father!” He had screamed throwing himself in his father’s arms, as they arrived at the Jedi Academy.

“Now I’m ‘father’? Have you seen my son? He used to call me ‘dad’. But I assume he’s a grown man now.” Han teased him, tousling his son’s hair.

“You’re right. I’m fifteenth. But if you want, I can call you dad, Dad.” Han hugged him again.

“What about me?” Leia asked.

“Mom. I knew you would come.” He said offering her a hug too.

As they arrived to Takodana, Maz Kanata received them in her castle. “Leia! Han! And look who is here: Ben! My boy! I hope you still like my blue milkshakes.

“I do, Maz!”

They ordered something to eat and his parents started arguing for something and went to the external area so they could _fight without embarrassing Ben_. But the boy knew better: they were going to make up. He was left alone with Maz Kanata.

“So, Ben. Fifteen is a lot, isn’t? How is your uncle Luke?”

“Oh. He’s fine. A lot of new padawans and younglings to train. He’s quite busy now.”

“And you? How do you feel at the Academy? I know it must be hard to be an Organa-Skywalker-Solo.”

“It’s fine. They are heroes and they want the best from me. I understand that.”

“Really? I don’t know what it is, but something tells me you’re worried about that much pressure upon your shoulders.” She caught that, didn’t she?

Ben gulped hard his blue milkshake. “Well, I’m a little confused with everything right now, but I…”

Maz took his hand on her orange ones. “It’s difficult to be Leia Organa’s son, Han Solo’s kid and Luke Skywalker’s nephew. You want them to be proud of you.”

“I’m afraid of not being worthy of their legacy.” Ben told his parent’s friend.

She adjusted her goggles. “Ben, you should try to be yourself and not what your legacy tells you to be. History is good to make us remember of our victories and mistakes. But your heritage can be very prejudicial if it locks you in a cell. Your legacy can’t determine who you’ll be. Remember that, ok?

“Ok.”

But he didn’t. He did the extreme opposite. He made the same mistake his grandfather had made. He had been seduced. He made the same mistake his father had made. He left. He made the same mistake his mother had made. He didn’t listen to anyone. He made the same mistake his uncle had made. He didn’t tried to understand. He was worthy their legacy.

_A legacy of fears._

_Anakin Skywalker was afraid of losing his lover._

_Leia Organa was afraid not being the leader the galaxy wanted her to be._

_Han Solo was afraid of losing his freedom._

_Luke Skywalker feared the Dark Side._

_Darth Vader feared the Light Side._

_Ben Solo was afraid of not being worthy._

_So was Kylo Ren._

Darth Vader’s heritage was heavier than anything else was. If before he should fight against the Dark, now he had to destroy the Light. He tried to be worthy and he failed. He was a broken man as each one of his heroes. All of them wore a mask. This should end with him. No more Skywalkers. The Galaxy would be free of this cursed legacy. It would be only a tale to tell the younglings.

Then, _she_ appeared. Rey seemed to be the hope reincarnated. She made him want to marry, to have children, to make life go on…but he couldn’t do that to her. He _shouldn’t_.  She deserved someone better. He knew, even by the time they decided to be together as a couple, that someday she would move forward and he would be left behind. She was so young.

The day came. He was 33 and she was 23. An age gap of ten years. They were living together in a small apartment in Naboo, helping Luke to rebuild the Jedi Temple that existed there during the Old Republic days.

She had made a dinner, which meant a lot as it was he who used to cook. She had let her hair down, she was wearing a dress, and she had put make up too. He loved her so much it hurt. Her side of the bond was shut, as usual, when she didn’t want him to find out about her thoughts.

“Is it an anniversary? I’ve missed it! I’m sorry! Please, don’t make me sleep on the couch.” He pleaded worried.

She just laughed. “No. But in five minutes it’s going to be a very special occasion.”

Ben looked at her questioning her mystery way but didn’t say anything. After five minutes, she raised her glass as to propose a toast. “Happy birthday, Ben.”

34 years. He smiled at her, mesmerized. “You’re amazing.”

“I know.” She answered amused. “So, what are your plans to the future?”

“What? I don’t know…helping uncle Luke with the new Academy, becoming a gray jedi, controlling my temper…making love to my girlfriend…”he delved into her eyes.

“Getting married to your girlfriend? Having _kids_ with her?” She asked mischievously.

The day he was going to lose her had finally come. His birthday. It couldn’t be worse. “It’s too early to think about that, love. I…”

“Early? Ben, you’re thirty-four. And I want to have kids now. The sooner the better.”

He left the table and went to the living room. She followed him. “Well, I don’t.” He answered without looking at her.

She passed by him making him shift with her hand. Her eyes seemed worried and her bottom lip trembled a little bit. But not even a sound came out. So, he continued. 

“Rey, can you image a baby to call me father? Would you like to be the mother of Kylo Ren’s heir? I can’t be a father.”

“Stop. Please, stop.” She looked shocked. “Ben, I want to have a family. _With you._ I want it right now.”

“I can’t.”

Her eyes watered. “But why?”

“Have you ever imagined how it would be difficult to me to tell my child I’ve killed my own father? And what about my grandfather? Skywalker and Solo are not good surnames for anyone. I know you don’t think like that, but you’re lucky for not having a surname.

She gulped hard and tears threatened to fall. She walked to the door. “Leave.” She opened the door. “Leave this house right now.” She said through her teeth. “I don’t want to look at you.”

He did as she asked. She had misunderstood him. He _wanted_ to start a family with her. He already their children more than anything in the whole galaxy and that was why he shouldn’t have them. He was protecting them of a doomed future as Kylo Ren’s heirs.

He spent two days at Luke’s.

“Rey asked you to go home.” His uncle told him in the second afternoon.

When he came back, the kitchen was empty. The living room was dark. “Rey? I’m home.”

“Ben. I’m here”.  Her sweet voice came from their bedroom.

He was waiting for a sad and fragile Rey. He should have known better. She was wearing his favorite underwear. Black and laces. “We shouldn’t argue in your birthday.” She said coming closer to him and putting her hands around his neck. “So, you should kiss right now and take me to our bed where I can give you your gift.” She kissed him. A breathtaking kiss. He grabbed her by her waist and started to walk them to the bed. But  a thought occurred to him, making him stop halfway. He interrupted their kiss abruptly.

“I know what you’re trying to do.” He whispered pulling away from her embrace. “I’m not going to make love to you when you I know you must have stopped you contraceptive pills. I’m not having a baby with you.”

She slapped his face after that. It burned.  “I don’t need that you stupid, arrogant, selfish man. I don’t you to have a baby. Are you listening to me? I don’t have to cook or to play games with you. I don’t need you to move forward with _my_ life.” Her face was contorted with anger. She was probably waiting for her his explosion. It never came. He assumed a low and resigned tone instead. But what he said was making his body shiver cold.

“I know. I’ve always known I was going to lose you when it came to this. You can chose anyone else. I’m not getting in your way. I’ll be happy for you and for your family. You’re a wonderful woman and the galaxy needs people like you. You’re going to be a wonderful mother, Rey.”

“I can’t believe my ears.” She screamed. “ I’m tired of this. I’m tired of your self-loathing. Your past keeps you from moving forward.” She made a pause to breathe. “I don’t need you or anyone else to have a baby, _Ben_ , because I’m already pregnant. And you’re the father by the way.”

A baby. He was going a _father._

“Your damned legacy is that fear that makes you a prisoner. You’re afraid of failing again.” Rey kept talking but he was far away with Maz Kanata again.

_Your heritage can be very prejudicial if it locks you in a cell._

“If you really want to change your family history, you can’t be afraid of what’s new. You have to fight against that.”

 _You should try to be yourself and not what your legacy tells you to be_.

 _Be yourself_.

“If you can’t let go your legacy, it’s over to me. After all, I’m used to be left behind. Apparently, this is _my_ heritage.

_Be yourself._

Her last commentary brought him back to reality. Warm tears blured his vision. And a smile appeared on his face.

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes. I am. At the beginning I was worried you wouldn’t like it, but now I don’t care. I-“

He kissed her passionately, retaking that breathtaking she had started before their argument. _She finally opened her side of the bond, feeling how he felt elated, delighted, happy._

* * *

 

He took a big box he had at their library and went to Hannah’s room.

“Dad! What is that?”

“This is my heritage. Everything that was passed through my family. So, princess, from where should we get started?”

She opened the box carefully. She took a miniature of the Falcon.

“Talk to me about our ship. Why are you and mom always fighting for it? You say it’s yours and Mom says it’s hers.”

Ben laughed at that. “It’s ours. But your grandfather, Han Solo, gave it to her.”

The girl felt asleep after thirty minutes.

He came back to his bedroom. Rey was at the ‘fresher changing her clothes. He threw himself at their bed. Sighing relieved. “So, where did you stop you her?” Her wife asked getting into their bedroom.

“She asked me about the Falcon and Kylo Ren’s mask.”

“What did you say about the mask?”

“That I used to wear it when I wanted to scare people.”

“And?”

“She asked me if she could wear it to scare the other padawans.” Ben laughed and so did Rey laying down with him. He shifted to his side, getting closer to his wife. “I’m happy we didn’t have another baby two years ago when we were trying. Hannah drains all my energy!”

“Ben. Look at me.”

He opened his eyes. She was upset. “I’m pregnant.”

He smiled. “I already knew it. You let it slip through the bond last night. But, I was waiting for something different. Dinner, underwear…”

She took out her silk robe. She was wearing nothing underneath it.  “I knew you were tired. So I didn’t do nothing special…”

For _that_ he wasn’t tired at all.

 

 

 

 

 


	17. Day 17 - With Anakin

30 days of Kylo Ren 

Day 17 – With Anakin

 

“Dad, why is my name Anakin?” his five-year-old son asked him.

“It was my grandfather’s name.” Ben answered him.

“But, you and Mom named us all after dead people? Hannah was for Han, me for your grandpa and Padme, your grandma. Wait! What about mom’s family? Why anyone here has her family’s names?” Anakin asked concerned with his mother’s legacy.

Ben looked at him amused while baby Padmé tried to eat his fingers. “Your mother has her father’s name and _I_ have been named after her grandfather, Ben Kenobi.”

“What? How is that even possible?”

“Well, my parents and uncle met him during the first war, when Darth Vader killed him. His real name was Obi-Wan Kenobi, but he was known as Ben Kenobi in Tatooine. When I was born, they named me Ben.”

Anakin’s eyes were shining. _Her_ eyes. He had _her_ eyes. “Wow. It’s like destiny! You and mom were pree, pre, pree…”

“Predestined. Yes. That’s how I feel. But don’t tell her. She prefers to say she has _chosen_ me.”

His boy laughed at that. He was a sweet and smart child just like Padme. Calm, obediently, curious and comprehensive. So different from Hannah Solo. That girl got her mother’s obstinacy, his parent’s stubbornness, and his temper. He loved her but she was a headache.

His most sweet headache arrived home. She looked just like her grandma, but she had Rey’s eyes. His wife came after her, closing the door behind them. They were both sweat after their saber duel. Rey looked at him and gave a sweet smile he returned and he kept looking at her. It was as if time had stopped. _I love you_. He let it slip through their bond. She blushed, her smile growing bigger. _I love you too._

“Dad! Dad! DAD! Stop looking at Mom like that!” Anakin said tugging at his sleeve.

“What?” Ben asked still looking at Rey.

“You are looking at Mom like you do…let me see… ALWAYS. I want to talk to you!”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” He wasn’t. “What is it, Anakin Solo?”

“Can you talk to me about Anakin Skywalker?”

“That’s my favourite one!” His eldest exclaimed, sitting with them at the carpet.

Padme smiled to her siblings. Ben looked at his boy. No more lies. It had been so different with him.

* * *

 

When he was fifteen, his uncle gave him Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. “It belonged to my father, Ben. Your grandfather, Anakin Skywalker. It was mine, but I lost it with my hand in Cloud City.”

“I know. Darth Vader shop it off.” He answered grimacing.

Luke laughed. “Well, let’s say I lost my saber, my hand, but it was worth. I’ve found out something very important to my path and I helped your mother and Chewie to scape.” His uncle handed him the lightsaber. “Now, it’s yours, Ben.”

When he touched the saber hilt, he had flashes of a boy, a girl and a mask. Darth Vader’s mask. He ignited it, feeling the energy flowing through his arm to his lightsaber as if it was an extension of his body. Blue. “My lightsaber.”

That same night, he dreamed with Anakin Skywalker. A young man with a brown hair and blue eyes. Melancholic blue eyes. There was an ocean before them.

“Don’t do that again, Ben.” He said showing the beach. “I hate sand.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Anakin Skywalker. Your grandfather. If I’m here it must because you want to talk to me. Are you curious about something special?”

“Everything.” His honey-brown eyes were shining bright. “Talk about you. How did you become a jedi?”

“I was a slave in Tatooine. A jedi master, Qui-Gon and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi,appeared with the queen of Naboo, Padme Amidala, uncovered as one of her handmaidens. They freed me and took me to the Jedi Academy.”

Padme. Ben knew she was the girl he saw when he touched the saber. He knew _who_ she was by the way his grandfather had pronounced her name. With adoration.

“Grandmother?” the padawan asked uncertain.

“Yes. I thought of her every single day at the Academy.” Anakin smiled sad at his grandson.

“But the jedi can’t have attachments. It’s forbidden.” Ben said a little vexed.

Anakin shifted to face him with a sarcastic look. “At least, _I_ was attached to someone I knew in real life. Not to a _girl_ from my dreams. You don’t even know her name, Ben.”

“Her name’s Rey.” Ben said.

“No. You gave her that name. You’re not even sure, kid.” Anakin said in a playful tone, looking back at the ocean. “Can I ask you something about your path in the Light Side, Ben?”

“Sure.”

“Is it working?”

Ben woke up. He couldn’t have this conversation right now. Snoke was trying to talk to him too. But the other night, Anakin came back. They talked about Padme, Naboo and how heep he loved her. “It was really difficult at the beginning. She didn’t want to be with me. Besides, I had made a vow to the Jedi Code. So, later, we decided to be together in secret. No one could know about the jedi and the senator. But, at home, we were just Anakin and Padme. It was enough.”

Almost every night, Ben and Anakin would talk. Padme, his padawan, Ahsoka Tano. Sometimes, they would practice new forms. And they would talk about Rey.

“I don’t know how to explain. I just dream with her since I’m ten! I feel as if I was pulled to her. When she’s there, I feel _complete_.”

“Oh. I know. It’s as if the Force was finally in harmony, isn’t? Without her, the Light isn’t enough, is it?” Anakin asked worried with his grandson. “Is the Light working to you, Ben?”

“Yes, it is.” He lied. “I can’t live waiting for her, can I? What if I never meet her? I have to go on. I don’t even know if she’s real.”

“Yes. You do know. Maybe you should look for her.” Anakin suggested.

Ben looked at him sarcastically.

“What do you think your daughter and son would say about that? ‘Oh, my boy, we understand and support you. Go find the girl you talk so much about with your grandpa’s force ghost in your _dreams_.”

Anakin couldn’t stop laughing. “Yeah. Even to the Force mumbo-jumbo, you sound very cray.”

His grandfather became his best friend during eight long years. When Ben started to show more of is conflict with the Dark Side, Anakin tried to understand. “Do you feel the pull to the Dark when you’re afraid or always?”

“Since I’m a child. But now, it’s stronger. It’s difficult to control. I’m afraid I’m born to be a Darksider.”

“Every force sensitive person has a different bond with the Force. Maybe yours is new. It doesn’t mean you’re evil.” Anakin seemed tense telling him that.

“Have you ever felt the pull to the Dark?” Ben asked carefully.

“Yes. At the beginning, your grandmother was the only thing keeping me away from it. I don’t like to talk about that. You should tell your uncle about that.”

“But I’ve tried. He insists I have to control myself. But…when I use the Dark, I feel so…”

“…free.” Anakin completed. “This is dangerous, Ben. Do as your uncle say.”

When Ben found out the truth, he came to Anakin as Kylo Ren. They weren’t at the beach, but in a dark forest.

“Why didn’t tell me about Darth Vader?” he asked, anger ricocheting in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Snoke? He’s using you, Ben.”

“Ben is dead. Your grandson is dead. You knew I was born to the Dark. My father always said there’s too much Vader in me.”

“No. That’s not true, Ben.”

“Ben is dead. I killed him. And you’re not _my_ grandfather. _He_ is. I don’t need your guidance anymore, Master Skywalker.”

The other night, he didn’t dream with Anakin or Rey. They were gone. His nightmares were back as flashbacks. He saw Anakin becoming Vader. He could _feel_ the Dark Side. His body in flames, burning with fire and power, shadows surrounding his Force signature. His heart darkening. When he woke up, he opened the gates to Snoke. Anakin was wrong. Vader understood him. He was right.

He travelled to Endor to find Darth Vader’s skull and his lightsaber. He had left the blue saber behind in a box with other artefacts from his life as a jedi. He touched the burnt lightsaber and it answered him. He saw what Vader did. But the Kyber cristal was cracked, so he figured out a way to stabilize it. He made two vents, making them act as a crossguard. An instable sword. A dark sword for a Dark Prince.

Anakin never came back. But his nightmares were haunted by Vader.

_Show me again, Grandfather.  The power of the Dark Side._

It worked. Until _her_ awakening.

_I feel it again, Grandfather. The pull to the Light._

He had killed his father. The Dark should have consumed him. But _she_ was there. In his head.

_Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again, the pull to the light._

Then, the blue saber, his first lightsaber _answered_ her. She was surrounded by light. When it touched her hand. He felt it. The Force trembling and making him feel complete. He could feel her touch. He knew their connection would be stronger than his dreams. He knew it. And so did Anakin. It was a sign. His grandfather sent him a sign.

_It is you._

His Rey.

That same night, he dreamed with Anakin Skywalker. He was waiting for him sitting on the beach.

“The lightsaber isn’t mine anymore. Does it mean the Light has left me for ever?”

“If I’m here, it means you’re not dark anymore. Don’t think about it as Light or Dark, Ben.”

“I’ve been taught that way by your son, by Snoke.”

“Maybe you’re a third thing.”

“I’ve just killed my own father.” Warm tears dampened his scared face. “I feel so weak.”

“Your grandmother died at childbirth after I had Force choked her. Palpatine passed her midichlorians to me, so he could bring me back to life. She wasn’t Force Sensitive, her midichlorians were not enough for me and for her. She died, Ben. I lived twenty years of my life carrying her death in my body.” Anakin said sorrowful. “Darth Vader didn’t have a heart because he was a sith, but because his heart was dead. I was afraid of losing her, grandson, the perfect bait to the Dark Side. But, there’s always hope, Ben. Your uncle brought me back. I think your father’s death brought you back from a worse path.”

He was right. The bond appeared and with it his chance to scape the First Order. But he didn’t know if he should accept it.

“Ben, it’s Rey calling for you! She wants her with you. What the hell are you waiting for?”

“No, she doesn’t. Uncle Luke wants me back. She’s just the channel.”

“Yes. I see. And the dreams you’re sharing? Is she acting?”

Ben blushed. “Grandpa! Please.”

“Now, you’re blushing. Listen to me. It doesn’t matter. It’s a way to scape the First Order and Snoke’s grip on you. Your uncle is trying, so give him a second chance and make your dreams come true with her!”

“She’ll never allow me to get near her, grandpa!”

“She’s your destiny and you know it.”

Anakin was right. Rey completed him. The Force was finally peaceful when they were together.

“Clouds, Ben?” They weren’t at the beach this time. “Was it _that_ good?” Anakin asked him about his first night with Rey.

“Yes.” Ben answered smiling smugly.

“That’s my boy. Your father would be proud of you. Don’t let your uncle know about it.”

Ben just laughed. He was too very happy to speak.

* * *

 

“Dad. Dad. DAAAAD! WAKE UP!” Anakin called him again. “You’re looking at me like you look at mom!” he said grimacing.

“That’s because you have her eyes. And I love you too.”

“Are you going to tell the story or not?” Hannah asked.

“I will, but everyone has to shower and eat lunch first.” Ben said standing up.

“I’ll go first.” Hannah said running.

“Mom, can I use your ‘fresher?” Anakin asked.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

He left Ben with Rey and Padme. The baby had dark hair and hazel eyes. All his children had their mother’s eyes. She interrupted his thoughts. “Do you think your grandpa was as smart as our Anakin?” she asked smiling and getting closer to him, touching his chest.

“I don’t know about that.” He said enlacing her waist and leaning his head down to her. “But I know he loved his Padme…” She tilted up her head waiting for a kiss. “the same way I love my little baby.” He let go Rey to kiss Padme’s cheek, making them giggle.

Rey took their daughter in her arms. She was angry with him. “Your grandfather spent twenty years without your grandmother. Ask him how you’re going to make through the next three days sleeping on the couch.” She left their living room.

“Rey! Honey! I was kidding! Damn it! Grandfather told me she was tough. REY!”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. Day 18 - Burden

30 Days of Kylo Ren

Day 18 – Burden

 

It was so heavy to be whom he should be and what he wanted to be _. The Light is going to be my burden forever_ , Kylo Ren thought to himself.

He would never forget Leia’s eyes.

He would never forget Han Solo’s smile.

He would never forget Luke’ robotic hand holding his.

He would never forget Han Solo dying.

He would never forget her angry eyes when she called him a monster.

Wearing his mask was so suffocating now. So different from the beginning when it made him feel free. His lightsaber felt disconnected though it used to work as an extension of his body before. His tunic imprisoned him, making him walk as if he had the whole galaxy upon his shoulders.

And when he tried to sleep her voice whispered in his head how she despised him and hated their Force Bond. Each one of her hits opened a scar on his soul.

_So heavy._

His temples pulsated as if his head was getting prepared to blow up through the air.

 _So heavy_.

He wanted to feel free from this burden. Free from the Light. Free from _her_.

One night, three months after Starkiller Base, they shared something new. It wasn’t a dream but a corporeal projection. They could feel and touch each other.

He was at his quarters in Dromund Kaas. The first six months of his sith training would be at this planet. Three months of storms, thunders and dark. At least, Snoke wasn’t interfering on his physical training. That night, he had just finished his shower. He got out of the ‘fresher wearing only his underwear and drying his hair with a towel.

 _She_ was sleeping on his bed. He rubbed his eyes to be sure he wasn’t dreaming, before looking at her again. She had her hair down and her lips were slightly open. Her pale pink slip _clung_ to her body. He had two options: waking her up and make her leave… _or_ he could just lay down with her and she would never know…

But he _couldn’t._ So, he had just one option. She would hurt him. He knew it.

“Rey. Rey.” He _touched_ her shoulder.  He could feel her as if it was real. “Rey, you have to wake up.”

“Ben.” She whispered. “She’s crying. Can you bring her to me?”

She was dreaming. She was dreaming with him and with someone else. His mind was flooded by a wave of bliss as she projected her dream to him.

There was a crib. A baby girl crying and raising her little arms to him. He hold her in his arms. So small and delicate. He brought her to Rey, who was sitting on a beige armchair, waiting for _their_ baby. She started to breastfeed their daughter. When she finished eating and burping, Ben took her again to make her sleep. He put her back on her crib and looked back at Rey. She was glowing.

“Will you help me to go back to our bed?”

 _Our bed_.

“Sure.” He carried her like he did in Takodana, but this time, she had her hands around his neck and she was kissing his ear lobe, his cheek, his jawline, his lips.

Then, as it had begun, it was over.

He was back at his dark bedroom and her eyes snapped open. She looked afraid at him.  And then she glanced at his underwear, blushing. “Where am I?” She asked him. “What have you done this time?”

“Nothing. _You_ are projecting.” He looked mesmerized at her. “I didn’t know we could do that. I can even feel you. This bond is so powerful…”

“Oh. Yes. About that. I…I talked to your uncle about that. He thinks there is a way we can sever this connection.” She said avoiding his eyes and rubbing her forehead with the back of her small hand.

“What? Why?”

“Why?” She looked incredulous at him. “You’re my enemy, Kylo Ren.”

_So heavy._

After the dream, he thought…but she had just remembered they stood in different sides of the war.

“I can’t have you in my head and work to the Resistance.”

He knew what she was suggesting. Anger took control of him “I would never spy like you do with me. I Know about it. I can feel you hunting in my mind.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?”

“I have a lot of weight to carry upon my shoulders. I don’t have to add politics to it. This bond is the only thing keeping me from breaking apart. I need it to feel me. If you’re gone…it’ll be like before. And I can’t bare it. I know you feel it too.”

Her eyes softened a bit. “I know. All right. I’ll let it be for now.”

“Thank you.”

Suddenly she disappeared, leaving him alone. But he felt a warm wave filling his chest and a thought that slipped from her mind: _If I sever it, I might never see him like that again._

Kylo Ren smiled and when he tried to sleep, he found out that his burden was lighter that night. Hope was feeding his mind when he imagined that _maybe_ in a distant future he would carry his wife and daughter instead of his pain.

 


	19. Day 19 - With Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm late, people. But tomorrow I'll have a day off. It's the end of semester in Brazil and I'm a teacher! :D Hope you enjoy it! :D

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 19 – with Rey

 

“You know I can take whatever I want.”

* * *

 

“You’ve seen the map. Now you’ll give it to me.” He threatened her.

“I’m not giving you anything.” She resisted him.

That rang true. She didn’t give him anything and he never took as he had threatened he. Actually, it was the other way around. She came and took everything she wanted.

First, his nights, days, dreams and nightmares.

Second, his father, his ship, his Wookie.

Third, his mother.

Fourth, his uncle.

Fifth, his lightsaber. She took his saber! And his forms!

Sixth, his mind. It was full of her.

Seventh, his heart.

That scavenger was so talented to find garbage and take it, that she took his place at the Light Side and everyone pointed him as the bad guy. She was maleficent. She was his enemy! And yet…he loved her. He adored and admired her. So brave, so natural, so relentless. She was amazing.

Great bad guy you are, Kylo Ren.

After her projection in Dromund Kaas, his dreams changed a lot. Before, he would just observe her doing something. Scavenging, eating, meditating, sleeping…But after their shard dream in his bedroom, they were _interacting_. It started with a kiss, then it progressed to some more touching, grabbing, sucking…he wasn’t complaining. Au contraire, he liked it, but he couldn’t stop the feeling that he might be taking something she didn’t want to give to him, at least conscientiously.

That memory would haunt him for ever. The interrogation in Starkiller Base.

“You know I can take whatever I want.”

“I’m not giving you anything.”

But he wouldn’t worry with that. These were just dreams. _His dreams_. If she didn’t want to see them, she should take her leave. Maybe he was just anticipating the pain he would feel when she rejected him. Maybe she couldn’t feel it. At least, when she talked – he should say argued – with him through their bond, she never mentioned anything about it.

Her hair, her skin, her hands, her legs, her eyes…he knew each part of her body. But it wasn’t enough. He wanted the real thing. The dreams became hotter after her admission when they met at the Finalizer during one mission to the Resistance. She admitted she could feel his dreams and they had almost kissed. She hadn’t pushed his away.

Therefore, she started trying to sway him back to the Light.

She had said his uncle wanted him back. That same day she said she wanted to kill him more than anything she ever wanted. After three days, they met into a projected waterfall. She had summoned him. She always chose this kind of place, as she loved water.

“Why am I here, Scavenger?” He asked yawning.

“Because I missed you, monster.” She answered sarcastically. “I told you your uncle wants you back. He’s waiting for an answer.”

She was always taking, commanding, ordering. She never gave him a single sign and still…looking at her expectant eyes gave him hope. He wished it was her asking him to come back, but he knew he had to redeem himself for his own will and not for her. But he and she…in his head they were one.

“I want to come back. But it’s not that simple. I- “

“That’s enough.” She cut him. “I’m going to rescue you. The Resistance will, actually. We’re going to plan something out with your mother’s personal staff. We take you and we leave. You come with me to Ahch-To. I’ll give you one month. Try to be on board on the Finalizer, it will be easier to take you there than on a planet.”

_Take him. Always taking._

“How do you know I’m not going to betray you and the Resistance?” He asked with an amused smile on his lips.

She scoffed. “We’re bound. I know what’s in your head. You _never_ block me.” She said proudly.

He stared at her intensely. It was true. He would never block her. She looked back into his eyes.

“I know you suffer and regret for you family, especially for your father.” Then a fierce look took her eyes. “But listen to me: Even if you regret everything you’ve done and your mother and uncle are willing to have you back, make no mistake. _I_ will make it very difficult to you. You think you know me, but I’m not the Rey you’ve been dreaming of.”

It hurt. “But, last time we met, you-“

She nodded. “I was weak. That bond really confuses me sometimes. You’re always there, so I feel as if I was pulled to you. But, you’re not getting on my way. I’m going to be the Jedi the galaxy needs me to be.”

Something in her speech remembered him of his youth. Be the jedi the galaxy needs. “I know how it feels. You’re at my place now.”

“What?” She was clearly upset. He was always screwed up with everything. “I have _conquered_ my own place. I’m not getting your leftovers. I had nothing and now I’ll have a brilliant future.”

“I know. That’s why I admire you.” He said with melancholic eyes. “It’s wonderful to think about a future. There’s a longtime I’ve only been thinking about my past...”

“Yes. You had everything you needed. There are no excuses for what you’ve done. I had no one. You’re so…so…”

“Idiot.” He completed the sentence for her.

“Yeah. That’s it. Don’t come near me. Stop projecting your depraved dreams. I don’t like them.”

He wanted to end this shared dream. She had already took his strength away.

“Prepare yourself. One month.”

“Okay.”

The fleet was on its way to Naboo. Kylo had passed the information to the Resistance three days before. They were hiding behind a moon, Ohma D’un. The attack was due to start in one hour. She would be waiting for him at the hangar. He had different clothes under his black uniform and he wasn’t wearing his mask.

_Scavenger calling Monster. Scavenger calling Monster._

_Now you make jokes with me. You’re in a good mood. Are you all right?_

_Yes. Don’t worry. You’ve already asked if I’m alright three times in the last twenty minutes. Yes. I’m in  a good mood. Tonight, you’ll be dinning with your uncle and I’ll be really happy to see you asking for forgiveness._

_You’re having very revengeful thoughts for someone who wants to be a jedi, Scavenger._

_When it comes to you, Monster, I’ll always do my worst. Let your side of the bond open, okay?_

_I’ve never shut it to you._

_I know. Where are you now? I can’t see. It’s dark._

_In my personal quarters._

Then, he felt something stinging on his head. He knew his master was summoning him. He couldn’t enter Kylo’s mind anymore. He thought it was because of the darkness that was consuming his apprentice. However, the truth was that the Bond he had forged with Rey was keeping Snoke out. His master never suspected about his connection with the jedi.

He answered the call.

“Supreme Leader.” He said kneeling.

The hologram seemed _amused_.

“My apprentice. You’ve been remarkable last days. You seem so motivated and you have even improved on your training. I think you deserve a gift.”

Kylo cleared his throat. “A gift?” Snoke knew only one kind of gift…

“Go to your quarters and see.” The hologram was gone.

He went to his quarters.

_A gift? Your master is so kind. Prepare yourself. We’re going to attack now!_

The ship was assaulted by the sound of canons and blasters while he made his way back to his personal quarters to find his _gift._ He stopped at the door handle.

_Rey?_

_Yeah? Go to the hangar! I’m going to land with the Falcon now!_

_I’m sorry._ He closed his side of the bond for the first time.

He opened the door to find a blond girl waiting for him on his bed. Naked. His gift stood up and walked toward him, putting her arms around his neck.

“This ship is under attack. I suggest you to put your clothes on and take your leave.” He said mechanically.

“No.” The girl started biting his neck softly. “I’m here with orders from the Supreme Leader himself. I’ll leave when you’re totally satisfied.” Her hands were trying to unbuckle his belt. It was going to be the difficult way then. He raised his hand and the girl felt asleep in his arms. He was taking her to his bed when the door opened.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” Rey screamed.

Damn it. He put the girl on the bed and walked to Rey with his hands raised in an apologizing gesture. “I can explain.”

“I don’t want your explanation. You closed the bond and I was so worried. Urghhh! I hate you. I’m so stupid! You…you…with her!”

Chewie groaned from the hall.

“Rey, we don’t have time for that now. We’ll talk about it when we are at the Falcon.”. He said taking her hand and urging her to the corridor.

“Don’t touch me!” She snatched her hand back. “Don’t ever touch me again! You’re… you’re a traitor! That’s what you are!”

Ben was confused.  She had told him she didn’t want anything with him, so why was she so upset and jealous about the girl? “What? You asked me to forget you. Why are you jealous now? Stop accusing me of cheating on you.” He snapped back.

Chewie groaned once again alerting them of some storm troopers passing. They hide on the corner in silence, but their eyes were still fighting.

Once they were at the Falcon and the hyperdrive was finally activated, she turned from her seat to look at him. Her eyes full of anger and angst. And tears. “You closed the bond. You never did it before. I was so worried thinking you were in danger. I looked for you in the hangar, then I went to your quarters to help you. But you were enjoying you _gift._ What were you doing? You were with a girl, Ben!”

Ben sighed frustrated passing his hands through his hair. “I wasn’t waiting for her! For Vader! Open you side of the bond and you’ll see I’m telling you the truth.” His temper was getting out of control. They were so close to each other and yet so distant.

“I’m not letting you come in again. Never! I’m done with you and this stupid bond confusing me!” She yelled at him.

‘Fine!” he yelled back.

“Fine!”

One month. She didn’t talk to him. Not even a word. Nothing from her bond. Two months making jokes about his loyalty. And two months comparing him to _Finn_. FN 2187 would never betray her. He would always come back to her. He was considering leaving the planet and looking for another place to be alone when it happened.

They were practicing new forms with staffs. Ben refused to train with his saber. He could hurt her. She made a move making him lose his balance and stumble. He caught her hand trying not to fall but it made all worse. He fell down with her over him.

They were both panting, exhausted from their training. She sat astride him, her hands holding his wrists. Her fiercely stare made his eyes darker. The atmosphere changed.

“What were you doing with _her?_ ” she asked through her teeth.

He didn’t blink. “Nothing. I did nothing.”

“And before? How many?”

“Some. But it was only sex. I’ve never had more than that.” Her grip on his wrists tightened.

“And after our bond?”

He looked at her with utter devotion. “No one since Starkiller Base. No one after I met you.”

Then, _it_ happened.

She claimed their first kiss.

Of course, she would do it. She always took everything she wanted when she wanted and the way she wanted. Her lips were soft as she pressed them against his. Ben was confused. He knew this from his dreams. She parted her lips slightly to bite his bottom lip. He knew this taste. She let go his wrists and he sat holding her thighs, while she snared her hands on his hair.

Then her tongue asked tor entrance and he was back to reality. He was really kissing Rey. She wanted to kiss him. He groaned opening his mouth for her and when their tongues started their dance of touching, pulling, pushing, sucking, Ben thought he was dreaming again. His hands moved from her thighs to her hips and when he pushed her against his body, she gasped and her side of the bond was _finally_ open to him again.

_I’ve missed you, Scavenger._

_Mmm. I’ve missed this so much. It’s so much better than projecting._

Ben broke their kiss. “Were you there with me? All this time?”

Her swollen and wet pink lips became a soft smirk.

He attacked her mouth and his right hand came to rest behind her head. She moaned and started to fret her hips on his low belly and a wave of possession fluttered from her Force Signature.

 _Mine._ She was claiming him entirely now. And he was so happy for giving himself to her.

_Yours. Yes. I’m yours._

He needed to breathe. She needed to breathe. They stopped kissing but he pecked her lips twice before nuzzling his nose on hers and bringing their foreheads together. She had her eyes closed.

His heart was racing so fast. He could even listen to his heartbeats. He wanted to kiss her again, so he did. But she broke the kiss. There was regret floating from her bond.

“You’ve manipulated me. This bond is getting me crazy. I shouldn’t have done that.”

That hurt. She stood up, staggering in her feet, her bond shut again. He couldn’t believe what she had just said.

“I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You came over me! I didn’t manipulate you when it was you who kissed me first.”

“And you took advantage on me!” She screamed.

“I didn’t take…never mind.” he passed by her with a scowl on his face. He was clearly disappointed.

“Where are you going? Your uncle will be upset if we come back earlier!”

He could hear her footsteps following him. “I’m not going to fight with you right now.”

“We don’t have to duel. We can kiss again.”

He stopped abruptly. That girl was crazy. She didn’t know what she wanted. She came before him, closing the gap between their bodies, putting her hands to rest on his chest. He looked to her lips, tempted. She felt his distress trough their bond and answered him, “I know what I want. I want you to kiss me, but it still confuses me. And you never make a move…”

He looked away from her lips and his next words would make her so angry that she was capable of going on a month without looking at him again. But his better wasn’t talking to him time when he assumed a cold tone. “I’m sorry but I don’t mean to manipulate you again. I’m not taking nothing that you’re not willing to give to me.”

She opened a beautiful smile. And those eyes…predatory eyes. “So, you admit you can’t take whatever you want.”

“Yes.”

“But that means _I_ can take whatever _I_ want. Is that right?”

“Yes.” He said a little frightened by her reaction.

“I want a kiss. And now you’ll give it to me.”

And he did. She always took everything from him.

* * *

 

“You know I can take whatever I want.” Rey said looking at him from her spot on the couch.

Ben put a piece of the last slice of strawberry pie. “I’m not giving you anything.”

“But I’ll take it anyway.”

“Come get it if you can.” He said putting the pie on his mouth.

She claimed his lips. Strawberry was her favorite. That scavenger took everything that belonged to him. He would never complain though. Every time she took something, she paid back in double.

 


	20. Day 20 - Jedi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm still late, but It has been a difficult week. But talking about good things, Shwetlee helped me with grammar and other things. Thank you soooo much!

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 20 – Jedi

 

_So hypocritical._

The Jedi had a code to follow, but almost everyone broke it. Attachments were forbidden. Don’t think about your personal career. The galaxy comes first.

Bullshit.

That’s the reason why Kylo Ren wanted to wipe out the jedi legacy, so the galaxy would be free of people like his uncle, Luke Skywalker, the most hypocritical of them all. First, attachments a are forbidden. Luke had had a girlfriend once.  Second, personal career. After almost thirty years he was still the Greatest Jedi Ever. Third, put the galaxy in first place. Or his own life, as he did, when he went on hiding.

Snoke had instructed him to find Luke and kill him. Therefore, the Light would be extinguished. There would be no masters to raise a new generation of small hypocritical padawans. Kylo truly agreed with that especially after _her_ awakening. Where there was only loathing before, now there was an incessant light tugging inside his head. Apparently, the Scavenger was a very naïve girl and a very jedi like girl. Looking at her, anyone would say that the dreams of the first jedi had finally come true. She could fulfill the code.

His uncle shared the same opinion by the way. That stupid man had so much prejudice about the Sith, when his own father had been one. The Light and the Dark never sat down simply to talk or to negotiate. Okay. He could understand the argument that “Killing is not cool”, but they should try to find another way to bring balance to this ancient battle. The prophecies were not working anymore and waiting for a chosen one became something complicated after Darth Vader. Both sides had prophecies foretelling that a strong knight would come to destroy the Sith and annihilate the darksiders or the jedi order. The Jedi believed Anakin Skywalker was the Chosen One. So did the Sith, but they believed Anakin was predestined to destroy the jedi.

They were both right. Killing is not cool, but that’s what both prophecies foretold. Anakin Skywalker did both things. First, he worked for the Jedi Purge. Second, he killed his Sith Master, and died, which made him fulfill the jedi prophecy.

“If the Resistance finds the map that leads to Skywalker, the new jedi will rise.”

Supreme Leader was wise. He knew that a new jedi would become a menace to their _peaceful_ situation. But Kylo Ren didn’t want to become a sith either. He could feel the Force whispering in his mind: if you become a sith, the new jedi will appear and you’ll repeat the same vicious circle of hunting and killing, that they’ve been playing for centuries.

 _So hypocritical._ Don’t kill anyone, unless it’s a sith.

But, in the end, it was as if only one prophecy was right. The Light always won. It could take ten, fifteen, twenty years, but the balance would always pend to their side. They would always find the strength to start again.

So hypocritical he was.

The Light pulled him back so easily. It took only a girl that mirrored him. She was his total opposite and still…he loved her so much. He couldn’t hate or kill the new jedi.

So hypocritical he was.

But so was she.

Rey was the galaxy’s best actress, as he was able to find out when he left the First Order and they were living on Ahch-To. Before his uncle she was the irreproachable padawan, apprentice, knight. Committed, responsible and full of Light. But after five months living together, the true Rey showed herself when they were alone.

Forbidden attachments were their favorite topic while they were hiding, kissing, touching and losing their minds to passion. During the first three months, she would always be the one who would retreat, when he wished to take a step forward, using that stupid jedi code.

“We shouldn’t do that.” She whispered when he nipped her ear lobe, making her shiver under his attentions.

“Why?” He asked with a voice that remembered a groan while he sucked her neck where it met her collarbones. “If you don’t like it, I can stop.” He spoke on her ear, feeling her knees faltering and her hands tighten on his hair.

“I do like it.”

“Then, we _should_ do that.” His hands fumbled with her belt and, when he finally unbuckled it, her gray scarf fell down on the ground, leaving her in a top and trousers. His hands went to the hem of her top, pushing it up when she stopped him putting her hands over his.

“We should stop.” She said worried.

“Why?” His mouth was dry and he wanted to kiss her again.

“Because it’ll be worse if this goes any further when we have to leave each other.” She said, tears on her hazel eyes. The jedi was talking, not Rey.

Ben frowned at that reaction. “We’ve already said we love each other, sweetheart. We’re already attached to each other. Do you think that giving up to your primitive instincts is what’s going to hurt the most when we get parted? No. Do you want to know what really hurts? It hurts when you want to look at the girl you love and she is not there to listen that she’s more important than any order, code or war. That’s what hurts.” He looked intensely into her eyes. He was already missing her warmth.

She smiled curling her fingers on his belt and bringing his body next to hers again. She kissed him. One of those breathtaking kisses she knew he loved, stopping only when both of them needed to breathe.

“I don’t want to rush you, Rey…but we can’t go on like this. I want you so much…” He confessed rubbing his lips on hers delicately.

“I know. But you should see my side too. Your uncle is counting on me to rebuild the Jedi Order. The galaxy needs me, Ben. I mean the Jedi. And you…”

He a scowl in seconds. She knew where to turn the knife inside of him. He left the cave where they were hiding. The galaxy needed her. And who was he compared to the galaxy? Oh, yes. He was the jedi killer actually, as his Knights used to call him at the beginning. The Jedi were always getting on his way! He was so angry! He took his saber and started lashing out against some trees. He shouldn’t have ever kissed her. He should have shut down the bond and never talked to her. He deactivated his weapon and leaned on a tree, looking for balance. His breath was panting and his anger seeping out, making some room for the pain, and for some warm and burning, tears.

They were dining in silence at his uncle’s hut. His eyes were rimmed with red. He had cried all the afternoon.

“Uncle, I want to ask you something.”

Rey looked curiously at him.

“I understand that is your will to train Rey in the old ways of the Force and that she’s responding well to the Light.” So hypocritical. He knew she was good on the Light because she had him in secret. “I think it’s time to sever our bond permanently.”

“What?” Rey exclaimed, stunned. She opened and closed her mouth and her eyes flushed with indignation.

“You cannot be a jedi being connected to someone who is not your master. Especially someone like me.” He said without looking into her eyes.

“But…without the Bond I’m…” She trailed off.

“Ben’s right, Rey. You can’t be attached to him in that way.”

He looked into her eyes. She wasn’t angry or upset, but sad.

Later that night, he sat on his mattress. He was in his hut and couldn’t sleep. That’s where they should leave each other. She would be the best jedi as she wanted. He was sure she was going to fight and flourish. While he was going to…survive. He was getting used to lose to the Jedi and to the Light. It was useless to fight against them.

Suddenly, _she_ appeared behind the curtain that served as a division for his living room and his bedroom. She had her hair down and a pale dress.

“Your son of a bitch.” She spat once she was inside his bedroom. He looked at her confused.

“You love my mother, Leia Organa. Don’t call her a bitch.”

"Oh! You’re right. It’s not her fault. Your a little piece of shit.” He had never seen her that upset.

“Jedikiller. That’s what your knights used to call you, isn’t it?” She sobbed. “They were right. I can’t be a jedi. I can’t follow the old ways and it’s all your fault.”

He went to his feet and opened his arms to his love, nestling her against his body. He stayed there holding her for a while, until his chest became wet with her tears and she sniffled. “I didn’t mean you to suffer, love. But, if you really want to be a jedi, that’s the right way to do.”

“But you’re in my head, in my heart, Ben. You’re part of me. If you leave, who am I supposed to be?”

This wasn’t right. She was the strong person on this strange relationship. Rey wouldn’t ever need him. She had a tough life alone and she did pretty well. “That’s not true. I wasn’t in your head when you lived in Jakku.”

She tilted her head to look at him. “That’s not true. Yes, you were. I’ve always known someone was going to come back for me. The belonging I was looking for wasn’t in my past. First, I thought it was Finn. He came back for me in Starkiller. After, I thought it was the Jedi order. I was so wrong. It was you, Ben. You left the darkness. You came back. You came back to me.”

His heart skipped a beat. She was right. Redemption would be impossible without her. He couldn’t find the right thing to say. His tears were blurring his vision, so he kissed her wantonly and carried her to his bed as if she was his bride and it was their wedding night. She had misunderstood. The jedi girl thought she had lost the battle to him, but he was the loser once again. Surprisingly, this time he wasn’t upset at all.

She rested her head on his pillow. “I want you, Ben Solo. Nothing is going to be between us. To hell with them all. The Resistance, the Jedi Order, the Sith, the First Order.”

“Yes, Ma'am.” He was fascinated by her freckles. He started kissing the ones she had on her beautiful face. Then, he passed to her collarbones and shoulders making the straps of her dress slip down softly as if she was going to break. He was leaving a trail of hot kisses from her left shoulder, up her neck to her jawline and then her neck again, to come to her right shoulder. She was already panting and her hands were snaring his hair. He slipped her dress lower, and he caught his breath when he saw her breasts. He swallowed his own saliva, knowing that it wouldn’t work because his thirst was for another reason. They were small and perfect on his hands.

He started his attentions with one breast. Licking, sucking, and biting. She moaned and arched her back off of the bed when he kissed the space between her breasts. He repeated everything with the other breast.

He continued his trail of kisses on her belly, stopping at her panties. He looked back at her asking silently for her permission.

_Yes. But I don’t know how to…_

_I disagree. You were in my dreams._

_This is different._

_No, it is not._

Ben took her panties off and parted her legs.

_Rey, I love you so much._

_I know._

Ben could feel her through their bond. She craved him as much as he wanted her. He kissed her folds as if it was her mouth, groaning as he noticed how wet she already was for him. She was moaning wantonly and trying to figure out the rhythm his lover was trying to indulge him. Her little fingers snaring his hair, making a great mess of it. Ben started to lick her clit and that made her gasp loudly.

“Yes, Ben. That’s nice.”

He chuckled in response, increasing the rhythm of his tongue on her clit and he could feel her body become warmer, her pleasure climbing until she came with his name on her beautiful lips.

“Force! Ben!”

He could only smile proud to himself while the electric spasms coursed the jedi’s body. He came back to her face, looking into her eyes and claiming her lips in a very dirty kiss.

“I want more, Ben.”

He got out of his bed to took off his trousers and underwear. Her eyes sparkled with wonder and concern.

“We can stop if you want to.”

“No. I want to.”

“If you do not feel comfortable, tell me, okay?”

“Okay. But this is not just about me. It’s about you. I’m afraid you won’t like it.”

“That’s impossible, Scavenger.”

He positioned his hard member at her entrance and started to thrust slowly. She was so hot, tight and wet. It felt so good. She whimpered beneath him and when they were totally intertwined, he sensed the pain she was feeling.

“I’m okay.” She lied digging her nails on his shoulders.

“Don’t lie to me. I can feel your pain.” He said kissing her forehead.

“Okay. I just need to get used to _you._ ”

He kissed her once again trying to make her forget a little about her discomfort and give her some time to get used to his size. Slowly and gentle, he started to move out and in. “I’m sorry”, he whispered against her swollen lips. With few more thrusts and kisses, and to his surprise, Rey was trying, hesitantly to meet his movements. She wrapped her legs behind his back.

“Such a quick learner you are.” He teased her.

The angle of their meetings changed and her eyes widened. She had found out something or he had.

“Right there, Ben. Just keep going.”

He kissed her while they both moved in unison, their tongues mirroring their bodies. Then, their choreography became harder, faster and she was clenching around his member. He could feel her muscles contracting as her orgasm took over her body and mind. That was enough to make him spill inside her and collapse at her side.

She shifted and started to play with his hair. “How can a jedi live without that?” She asked with a satisfied voice.

He kissed her cheek. “I think they lie and did it anyway.”

“Is it always that good?”

“No.” He answered seriously. “Only when there’s love involved.”

She smiled to him, her cheeks blushing. “Then I’m happy that the only way I’ll know this is with love involved.”

“With me, I hope.”

“Only with you, Ben Solo.”

The next day they would train and pretend that nothing has happened. Maybe she would be the first jedi who would change the code. For now, Ben knew that, for the first time, a darksider and a jedi were doing something different from fighting and killing.  For the first time in years, he didn’t want to kill the Jedi.

The Light and the Dark were doing something never seen before. Leaving no room for hypocrisy, the shadow and the light were making love.

 

 


	21. Day 21 - With Finn

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 21 – With Finn

 

“Uncle Finn!” Hannah and Anakin screamed running to their _uncle_ , followed by Rey with Padme cradled in her arms. He stayed behind watching the scene. It was difficult for him to look at _Finn_. There was a lot between them and the past does not go away with a simple handshake.

* * *

 

They were in Jakku. He had commanded the massacre of Tuanul. Suddenly, he felt through the Force a disturbing energy floating around.  First, he thought it was his own energy responding to his evil war acts. Every time he uttered the words, ‘kill him’ or ‘kill them all’, the Dark wiped a little of the Light in his heart. It should be a good thing. A signal that the Dark was winning the battle, but he knew better. The Light always won. By that time, he shouldn’t feel anything, but every time he killed or ordered someone’s homicide, his mouth felt dry and bitter. But this time, it wasn’t his energy. It was something less elaborated, coming from a Stormtrooper. FN 2187. This wasn’t right. Stormtroopers were supposed to do as they are ordered.

FN 2187 was _thinking_ when he should act cold and harshly. The soldier was afraid and confused. He didn’t want to kill the villagers. He looked at Kylo Ren and the First Knight knew he was terrified, holding his blaster without moving. Kylo frowned under his own mask. He looked back at FN 2187 and that simple gesture of defiance was enough to awake the Darksider’s suspicion. But that wasn’t his business. That kind of issue belonged to Captain Phasma’s sector and Ren knew she was a very competent commander.

Later, he would find out that FN 2187 was the responsible for freeing his own prisoner, Poe Dameron, the Resistance’s Best Pilot, as he saw his mot- Leia Organa say when he invaded the pilot’s mind. The Stormtrooper became a problem in that moment. No one had never defected the First Order before. How did he dare? A Stormtrooper should be _loyal_ and never escape the Order. Kylo had other things to think though and again he neglected the importance that fact would mean in the future. He was more worried with the quest for the BB unit that carried the last piece of the map that would lead him to Skywalker. And with _another_ little thing.

There was an awakening in the Force. There was something pulling him to the Light and to _her_. _She_ was back in his dreams. Every night he saw her looking over a body in a dark forest. He couldn’t see who was the person, but it should be someone important to her, by the way she was crying.

Next time he felt FN 2187 presence was on Starkiller Base with Han Solo. It was _his_ idea. Coming with his fath- Han Solo. With Han Solo. Now, he had to kill the smuggler because that idiot came with him. If it wasn’t for FN 2187, Han would never come. Maybe, Kylo could avoid them. He only wanted the _girl._

Then, it happened. Han Solo was there, calling him and he _betrayed_ his own father. Han believed his son could come back and deeply Kylo wanted to come back, but he also knew he had gone too far. He had _betrayed_ his mother, uncle, father. There was no way back for Ben solo.

Rey screamed and then he saw the Stormtrooper at her side. _Traitor_. He had betrayed the First Order. He had brought his father into this. Suddenly, he took _her_ hand and ran away. That bastard was taking her from him! This time, he wanted to kill FN 2187. And he had his old lightsaber.

“Traitor!” he screamed into the night. But that wasn’t entirely directed to the former Stormtrooper. Kylo knew this was more about himself. “That weapon is mine.” He completed. But that wasn’t only about his grandfather’s lightsaber. It was more about Rey.

“Come get it.” FN 2187 replied. He did. It was easy. With some luck, he had destroyed his arm and his spine. The lightsaber would finally be _his. She_ would finally be his. He should have suspected that nothing was going to work on his favor that night.

The weapon didn’t answer him and Rey defeated him. After, he saw the same scene of his dreams. FN 2187 was the body. She was crying for _him_ , someone beneath her, someone useless. Everything was actually destined to become worse. Once their bond had been forged, he was able to understand her thoughts about _Finn_. She saw him as the person who came back for her. Rey had waited for years on a backwater planet, and he was the first one she considered as _family_. She started to think about not being a jedi and have the _family_ she always wanted with _him_. _Finn._

That hurt.

Kylo Ren didn’t know how to deal with jealousy. He had always been the best and he never had to compete for anything or anyone he wanted, because he could always take whatever he wanted. Now, he was jealous of a Stormtrooper. FN 2187 had the one thing Kylo ever really _wanted_. _Her heart._ And that competition was utterly unfair. Rey was always comparing them in her mind. Finn didn’t have a choice, yet he chose to leave the First Order, and with the first opportunity he was out. Kylo Ren had his own father calling for him, yet he stayed. Finn was loyal to the Resistance while Kylo betrayed his own family. The former Stormtrooper was brave, he was a hero and Kylo was just a coward, a creature hiding behind a mask.

The Master of the Knights of Ren hated FN 2187. And Ben Solo hated Finn.

He knew he shouldn’t try, that she deserved better, but he was selfish. He _needed_ her. He couldn’t let go the bond they shared. The Force was telling him to not let her go further on her feelings with the _traitor_. Loves is a battlefield. FN 2187 could be an excellent soldier, but he was the Master of the Knights of Ren, former jedi, strong with the Force. He could beat _Finn_. It wouldn’t be easy as it had been once on Starkiller Base, but he could do it.

So, he decided to follow his adversary’s steps. First, he defected the First Order. Well, actually the Resistance and Rey rescued him. But he left anyway.

He came back for her even if she insisted he should search for redemption for himself. The truth was that she owned his mind, body, heart, soul.

He committed with the Resistance as Finn had done and with the new Jedi Order.

He would never be a hero, however. He would always be the sordid creature behind the mask.

Even when they were already together, she compared them. On Ahch-To, she always tried to hurt him with his great weakness: how the _traitor_ was a good man. But one day, it hurt more than usual. They were already sleeping together, but her confidence was something very difficult to _earn_. They always started to argue from nothing. This time they were talking about her swimming lessons.

“I don’t understand why you keep refusing to do that! You love water! You have to learn how to swim.” He answered her weak argument ‘I’m too small to do it.’

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I don’t want to learn with you.”

“Why?” He lowered his voice knowing it made her shiver. “You don’t want to kiss me when make a break between our lessons?” He smiled. “Oh. You could ask my uncle then.” His uncle couldn’t swim either. Tatooine’s heritage.

She rolled her eyes. “I promised I would do it with _Finn_.”

He scowled. “ _Finn_ is not her. I am. I am always here for you.”

“He isn’t here because he’s working with _your_ mother. You should be grateful.”

He snorted at that. “Here we go again.”

“Yes. Here we go again. You’re with me thanks to that bond. If it wasn’t for it, I’m not that sure you would be always here for me.”

“Rey,” he said gritting his teeth, anger corrupting his words, “Do not demeanor my love for you.”

She laughed. “Love. How can I be sure that this is _love_? It can be only the will of the Force. Maybe, if we were not bonded, I would love _Finn._ ”

They didn’t talk to each other anymore that day. At dinner, he finally understood the reason for her sudden bad mood.

“Finn is arriving in two days, Rey.” His uncle announced. “He’s going to stay with us for three days.”

“Great!” she exclaimed avoiding his eyes.

Ben did the only thing he could do at this moment. He left his uncle’s hut to eat at his own _house_. Three days. She threw out those very difficult six months they spent trying to understand their relationship to have three days with her _best friend_. This time _he_ closed the bond. She had done too, but he didn’t want to risk to see her dreams. He didn’t look for her the next two days. He trained alone, meditated alone, slept alone.

He didn’t appear to welcome FN 2187 either. He went to the cave he and Rey used to meet instead. On the way back to his hut, he passed by _their_ waterfall, were they had bathed together one week before. She was there with _Finn._ She was having her first swimming lesson. He was _touching_ her. She wasn’t _his_ to touch. She was…

“She’s _mine._ ” He whispered while his chest wanted to blow up into pieces.

Rey had her arms around the traitor’s neck, just like she used to do with Ben. Warm tears dampened his cheeks and he left. He hated how vulnerable she made him feel, but more than anything he hated FN 2187. _Finn_. Ben hated him because he was the best for Rey. Finn _deserved_ her. She was with Ben because that stupid bond was making its work.

He didn’t look for her the next two days and she didn’t remember he existed apparently. Perhaps she could live with the bond blocked to him. The afternoon of the third day, Ben was sitting in a rock looking to the ocean before him. His eyes were dark red, he had been crying, when he heard footsteps behind him. It could be only one person. He didn’t turn to talk, he hated how his eyes watered, and his voice failed when spoke.

“Has he already left? You should leave with him, Rey. You’re right. He’s better than me. At the beginning I tried to match his merits, but I’ Kylo Ren. I did a lot of horrible things. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He sobbed. “You’re right. The bon can’t determine who we are. It’s just a channel. Keep it closed and go live your own life. I won’t be on your way.”

“I’m not Rey.” The _traitor_ answered. “Man, I came here to say that if you hurt her I’ll kill you myself. But, I think she’s the one who has hurt someone here. Are you really Kylo Ren?

Ben wiped his face and turned to look at him.

“No. I’m Ben Solo. “You met a man that no longer exists.”

FN 2187 nodded. “I can see that. You’re even capable of leaving the way free to me and hurt forever.”

Ben didn’t answer. It was true. He would leave if that meant she was going to be happy. At his lack of answer the former Stormtrooper continued.

“I agree with you. I’m the better option if she has to choose between you and I. The problem is that she has already chosen. She chose you.”

Ben laughed bitterly. “She’s always comparing us. She hasn’t choose me.”

“Yes, she has. She compares us because she cannot bare the way she feels about you. You’re a monster.” Finn said as if that was the most natural thing.

Ben knew why he was saying she had chosen him. She would always compare them and in the end she stayed with him because of their connection. “It’s the bond.” He tried to explain. “She accepts me because the Force wants us together in a way that is beyond human comprehension.”

Finn burst out into laugh. “Force bond? She told me that the bond was just a channel, so you can communicate and feel each other.  Give me a break. The girl doesn’t stop talking about you.” He started to imitate Rey’s voice. “Ben can do this and that. He’s strong, smart and so brave for coming back.”

Ben knew he had the puppy eyes she hated at that moment. But he couldn’t stop himself. “Does she talk about me? Really.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Yes. She does. You don’t deserve her, but she’s yours. _I_ won’t get on your way.”

Ben narrowed his eyes slightly. _Too easy._ “I don’t believe you. You love her. I can feel it.”

Finn lift his eyebrows. “I do. You’re right. She showed me what really matters in life. The people we love are always worth fighting for. She taught me how to loyal and kind. She’s my best friend and I love her in a way you will never understand because you love her in a very different way.”

“I love her more than my own life.” He was so relieved he was saying that loud that he didn’t care he was saying it to the _traitor_.

“I believe you, _Ben_. I don’t like you, but I can see that you really love her.” He said seriously.

“Thank you, _Finn_.” He forced himself to call him by his _name._

“I’ll never forget what you did to me though.” Finn answered without blink.

“I don’t regret what I did to you.” Ben replied dangerously. “ But we can come to terms for Rey.”

“Yes. For her, I won’t try to kill you.”

“Done. I won’t try to kill you either.”

They shoke hands for the first time. Not as friends, but as partners in a business. A very important business: Rey’s happiness.

Finn left and Rey came to visit his hut at night, cuddling with him.

“I missed you, Monster.”

“I thought that without the bond you would be free of your feelings for me, Scavenger.”

“No. Apparently, I do love you.”

He smiled to her.

“Thanks anyway. I needed that time with Finn. He needed time with me too, you know. He and Poe are trying to stay together, but Finn is afraid…”

“What? Finn and Poe?”

“Yes.”

That bastard made him believe all this time he was his adversary. There wasn’t Rey and Finn.

“Ben? Are you okay?”

 Rey was looking at him worried. “I’m sorry about what I said before, but I didn’t know how to say I needed time with my friend. Are we okay?”

He smiled again. “Yes. We are okay.”

* * *

 

“Uncle Finn! I’ve learnt new forms with Mom.” Anakin exclaimed.

“That’s great buddy! Are you going to show it to me?” Finn said taking Padme from Rey.

“Yeah!” Anakin took him to the living room followed by Hannah and Rey. When Finn passed by Ben, he nodded.

“Ben.”

“Finn.” He answered calmly.

 


	22. Day 22 - Lightsabers

30 days of Kylo Ren 

Day 22 – Lightsabers

 

Ben had a very exhausting day looking for old holobooks for his uncle. When he reached for the doorknob of his warm home, he was waiting for six hands touching and hugging him while he kissed his wife’s soft and sweet lips. But what was actually waiting for him was a very different scene.

“It called me, Hannah! Let ig go!

“No. Dad promised me it would be mine and you’re not even born!”

Padme was crying from her high-chair while Hannah and Anakin were fighting for Anakin Skywalker’s blue lightsaber. They had their hands on the object struggling to let go. His son’s hand was very close the ignition button. Panicked, he lift his hand and the saber came to rest on his palm.

“Enough!” He yelled with his children. “Hannah, I told you I didn’t want you playing with that. It’s not a toy.” Ben spat impatiently.

“It wasn’t me! It was Anakin! “ His daughter spat back. “I can be the eldest, Dad, but it’s not always my fault.” She left the living room and her father with a deep scowl on his face.

Ben turned to look at Anakin, waiting for an explanation. The boy looked at his father offering him the simplest excuse.

“It called me. I’m sorry, Dad.”

* * *

 

He really enjoyed his grandfather’s lightsaber. It was so light and it moved as an extension of his own arm. Besides, it was an honor to be third person owning that relic. He loved relics and he used to collect them. He learned a lot from those old things. Touching them made him connect with their stories. Maybe it was a special force sensitive power no one knew about it. The blue saber made him wonder about how careful the Force would be with the crystal colors. Blue, green, purple for the Light and Red or black for the Dark.

One day, he and his uncle were trying to decipher an old picture they had found. It explained how to make a lightsaber and more than that, which kind of lightsabers existed. The hilt would be the Jedi’s choice, but the color was not a choice. It was the Will of the Force. In the section dedicated to the kinds of lightsabers, they saw a different one that intrigued them. The glow was white or gray as if they were fighting. He couldn’t tell.

“Maybe they aren’t Light or Dark. Only themselves.” Ben mused. What a dream! Be himself and not be pulled to the Light and to the Dark as a toy.

“The Force is about choices, Ben.” Luke explained. “You have to choose your path and be loyal to it.”

There was another thing bothering Ben and his connection with his grandfather’s saber. The weapon hadn’t been made by Ben.  It answered his commands in a very proper way, but Ben felt a little awkward after his discovery. The Force ran in the families, but lightsabers were a different thing. They should be idealized and made by the jedi himself, otherwise, it would be a merely accessory. Nevertheless, the kyber crystal was supposed to project a color that matched your bond to the Force. The blue glow hid the truth that was Ben Solo’s nature: a jedi that flirted with the Dark side. The young apprentice started doubting he was worthy his grandfather’s saber. In one hand, he wanted to give it back to Luke. In the other hand he wanted to keep it to himself, because he loved those relics. He would spend hours trying to figure out new circuits and hilts for his own saber. Anakin’s weapon was refined. And elegant weapon for an elegant knight.

Another lightsaber used to appear in his dreams. It was a very strange dream. There was his personal chest and hands touching a lightsaber that wasn’t his. And a voice whispered “It’s Ben!”. Then, the dream was over. _Ben_. Ben Kenobi’s saber. He decided to talk about it with his master.

“Uncle, what about Ben Kenobi’s weapon? How was it?

“It had a blue glow. But we lost it when we rescued your mother on the Death Star.” He answered.

“But…how did the blue saber come back to you if you had lost it with your hand at Cloud City?”

Luke laughed remembering his days of glory. “The respectful Baron Lando Calrissian found it and brought it to me after Endor.” He put his arm on his nephew’s shoulder. “I’m happy you’re interested on something else than your spar sections. You’ll be a great Jedi Knight.”

Ben used to collect everything he considered as history. He loved history. So, he tried to understand his own. His parents and uncle didn’t like talking about it and Ben assumed it was because they didn’t want to vaunt themselves about how they became heroes. Ben used to keeps his _treasures_ inside  an old chest, Alderiaan design, which his mother had gifted  him before he left to the Academy.

When he became Kylo Ren, he left behind those relics. They weren’t needed anymore. He left the chest in a cave on Takodana, so his uncle would never come back to find his father’s saber. The habitude, however, didn’t disappear. He could feel through the Force that this kind of power was new. Sometimes, he only needed to touch the thing to know the person it belonged to. Without a weapon, he felt the calling to Darth Vader’s saber. He went to Endor to find his grandfather’s pyre. He took his skull with the leftovers of his helmet and the lightsaber. The red saber had its crystal broken.

Kylo knew it wouldn’t work the way it was supposed to, so he took his time scraping other metal parts from Vader’s armor to figure out a crossguard style to balance the extra heat from the main blade. The two vents made it look like a sword. A raw sword to a cruel knight. Unstable and burning red flames. His hand made weapon responded to his dark nature better than the blue one.

His new saber had been made by himself. That saber belonged to him in a way the first one couldn’t. It was himself translated in a saber: a prince from darkness, finally surrounded by his heritage, raised from his grandfather’s ashes.

But there was Ben Kenobi’s lightsaber bothering his dreams. The same dream repeating itself every night almost. The Force wanted him to find the blue saber. He asked Snoke to look for the first Death Star ruins and his grandfather’s personal vessel with his Knights. To his surprise, it worked. The vessel had crashed against Yavin, but he looked carefully with his touching skills and he finally found out its location. It was a raining night, and people was living among the ruins. Counting on his Knights’ help he killed the village and he finally found Obi-Wan Kenobi’s weapon. When he touched the saber he had a vision. She appeared before him, laying on the ground, then it changed. Almost mirroring him, she was scavenging an old Star Destroyer. But she wasn’t looking for relics. She was looking for anything she could trade for _food_. _Rey_.

When he touched the Anakin's saber, he saw a boy and someone calling for Anakin. It was Leia Organa’s voice. The red saber showed Darth Vader offering him his own mask. That’s when he had it designed. And now…Ben Kenobi's lightsaber was showing _her._ That vision gave him a very strange feeling. It wasn’t his heritage. On Starkiller Base he understood. The Force made them find each other through those weapons. Those lightsabers couldn’t actually fight. They were friends, partners. Darth Vader killed Ben Kenobi, but Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan were like brothers. On Starkiller the battle was between Vader and Anakin. She had won. The Light had won. _She_ brought his lightsaber back to him, pulling him again to the Light.

 _It is you._ His partner. He knew then that he should give the green lightsaber to her. It was hers.

When he left the First Order, she gave him the blue saber and he returned the favor with the green one. As he touched his first jedi weapon, he saw the boy again. This time his own voice called for him. Anakin. As she touched Ben Kenobi’s saber, she finally found out about her origins. Obi-Wan Kenobi was her grandfather. Rey had finally a last name and Ben was finally back home.

Once the history had been told, they moved forward. None of them adopted their family’s lightsabers. They made other ones. Rey’s saber was double bladed and it shone golden. Ben kept the same hilt with a new Kyber crystal. This one glowing grey.

“Blue and red. Do you remember?” She asked him, proud of his work. “When our sabers clashed on Starkiller? They glowed like that.”

“And yours is gold. Sunshine through my dawn.” He smiled kissing her lips.

“Don’t get cheesy.” But she was smiling back at him.

* * *

 

Rey came to the living room wearing only a towel. “What’s going on?” She asks taking Padme from her high-chair and rocking her until she stops crying. “I left five minutes to have a shower and everything gets out of control! Where’s your sister, Anakin? I asked her to look after Padme…”

“She’s upset.” Ben answered his wife. “The lightsaber called for Anakin.” Rey frowned to him. “I’ll talk to her.” He said heading to his daughter’s bedroom.

He knocked at her door and opened it. “Honey Hannah! Can I talk to you.” Ben asked softly.

She sniffed. “No. I don’t want to talk. Go talk to Anakin. Even the lightsaber you gave to _me_ prefers him.”

Ben took a seat at her side on her tiny bed. He put his left arm around her shoulders, nestling her on his embrace. “That’s not true, Hannah. I don’t prefer him. I love you as much as I love Anakin and Padme. You should be happy for having your siblings. At your age, your mother and I were so alone…”

“I know. Everyone says that! But they are always comparing us. Anakin is calm, patient, and helpful. I am selfish, undisciplined and impatient. Mom says that all the time!” She stopped to sob, making Ben’s heart skip a beat, but she continued though the hot tears that spilled from her green eyes. Her mother’s eyes. “And I know you he’s your favorite too, because he looks like Mom. Even the lightsaber preferred him. I know I’m a bad person, Dad!”

Ben took some minutes to answer that. Hannah was changing and she was more like him at her age. Sensible, confused and so exigent with herself. Rey used to be independent and strong when she was twelve. Those differences were making mother and daughter fight a lot recently. Besides, Hannah looked like Leia, which made her different from the other family members. Anakin really looked like Rey and Padme like him with her black hair. But, he had never imagined Hannah would be feeling so lonely just like her parents at her age.

“Anakin is not my favorite. I don’t have a favorite one, but you’re my first child. You changed my life in a way you’re never going to understand. I learned so much with you, Hannah. And I still do. So does your mother. We learn with you. As you get older, we learn new things. But I see why you’re upset. You’re right. Comparing is not a good thing. You and Anakin are different. So… you think you’re not worthy Anakin Skywalker's weapon. Let me tell you a secret about lightsabers. When those weapons call for us, it means we have a different mission with the Force. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be your weapon. Do you remember when Ben Kenobi’s saber called for you last year?”

“Yeah. But it was your gift to me! I kept it with me all this time!”

“I know. Just like Mom did before returning it to me and I did before giving back to her her grandfather's lightsaber . We are warriors and guardians. We don’t keep the lightsabers we care for. We have to make our own weapon. The one that is going to answer us as if It was an extension of our arm. I’m sure you’re going to be an excellent jedi and that you’re going to make a very powerful lightsaber. You don’t have to be worthy your weapon. It’s the opposite. Be the excellent apprentice that you already are and I’m sure everything is going to be fine.” He said kissing her brown hair.

Hannah leaned her head up and offered him a peck on his cheek making him smile. But her eyes were still worried.

“Mom must be very upset with me. She asked me to take care of Padme while she took a shower.”

Ben sighed. Sometimes Rey exiged to much of their eldest, forgetting that she wasn’t her copy. “Don’t worry. I’ll handle Mom. Now, go talk to your brother.”

She left to look for Anakin while Ben rolled his eyes foreshadowing his next fight. Entering his bedroom. Rey was brushing her hair.

“Did you talk to her?”

“Yes, I did. She’s afraid of disappointing you, Sweetheart.” He said slowly, passing his hands through his black mane.

“What?"

“Well, you’re always asking too much of her. She thought she wasn’t good enough to earn the lightsaber and she lost control.” He explained camly.

Rey’s green eyes flashed red just like Hannah’s when she was dueling for the blue weapon. Their daughter actually looked a lot like her mother.

“ _Oh._ Is it my fault now? She’s the eldest, she’s twelve and she has to grow up. At her age I…”

“She’s not you.” Ben interrupted her. “She’s not me. She doesn’t have to grow up before anyone else because _she_ has parents.” His own anger resurging.

“Ha! It’s always like that. You’re the hero and I’m the villain!” She spat back.

Ben sighed, his shoulders tensing. “But you do that, Rey. It’s true! It’s not her fault you grew up alone on Jakku…”

Rey started to pace on the room, yelling at him. “Don’t take Mom too seriously, Hannah. She had a very difficult childhood! That’s what you always say! And you’re always the comprehensive parent because you can’t bare them hating you! You’re still afraid of your past!”

She was partially right. He was afraid of his past torturing his children. That made him soft with them? No. It made him more sensible, comprehensive as she had said.

He spoke in a very low tone. “Take your lightsaber. Meet me in the gardens.”

While Hannah and Anakin were betting to see who was going to win, Padme was asleep in her sister’s lap. He and Rey dueled for almost forty minutes before he cornered her against a wall, making her whisper “I’m sorry”, making him smile and reply, “I love you.” They kissed each other while their weapons deactivated themselves once they touched the ground. Their lightsabers weren’t enemies. They were partners, friends, lovers.

Those weapons were worthy their Knights. Ben finally got the kiss he wanted and six little hands hugging him, making his day a good day to live.

 

 


	23. Day 23 - With Poe

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 23 – With Poe

The first time Kylo Ren talked to Poe Dameron was enough to make him hate the pilot. His sarcastic tone and audacity remembered him his fath-Han Solo. They were in Tuanul and Kylo knew Poe Dameron had the data he needed. The last piece to complete the puzzle and find Luke Skywalker. The man knew he was going to be made a prisoner and that the First Order had some _particular_ methods to _get_ information from people.

But his arrogance spoke first. “So, You talk first or I talk first?” the pilot asked full of courage.

Kylo Ren made a vow not kill him at that moment. He needed that man. During his _interrogation_ , however, he wanted to kill Poe Dameron very much. As he searched his mind for the map the first thing he saw was his moth-Leia Organa _hugging_ the pilot and giving him a medal. _The best pilot of the Resistance_ she had called him. She was looking at Dameron lin a way she never had done with Ben. She had _pride_ in her eyes.

Well, Kylo wasn’t waiting for her to miss him, but the vision bothered him anyway. She had replaced him with a stranger. His chest felt heavy, anger, frustration and something else he didn’t dare to think made him look at Poe Dameron as if he was looking at the idealized Ben Solo his family had once loved. He wanted to make him suffer. It wasn’t just about the map to Skywalker that was in question, but about the person Kylo Ren could be if he was still Ben Solo.

He could be like his father. The best pilot of the Resistance. He could have his mothe’s love and admiration, which he always wanted. Instead, he was hiding behind a mask and clothes.

That was the pull to the Light. He should cease it. So he tortured Poe Dameron. He could have entered his mind and take whatever he wanted without hurting. But anger, frustration and jealousy were seeping from his Force signature. He wanted to kill Poe Dameron and send him back to his _General_ in a box of ashes.

 He found out that the last piece to his former master was in a BB unit, but he hadn’t the chance to finish his work with the pilot because the traitor, FN 2187, helped him to escape. He needed a _pilot_. And that pilot could fly anything. _So brave. So loyal_. “Next time,” Kylo swore to himself, “I’ll force choke Poe Dameron.”

But it only got worse after _her_. Through their bond, he would see them flying together with the Falcon or talking to Leia Organa. “My ship. My mother. My girl.” He hated Poe Dameron more than he hated FN 2187. “Next time, I will kill him with my own hands.”

But the next time he saw Poe Dameron was when the _brilliant_ pilot brought his mother to see him on Ahch-To. He knew Dameron had helped Rey when he escaped the First Order, but they hadn’t met at this occasion. After an exhausting conversation with his _mother_ – he was so relieved he could call her like that again – he decided to talk to _Poe_. After all, Ben owed him some excuses.

He went to the beach where he knew the pilot would be with Rey. Arriving there, he forgot about the excuses. He remembered how much he really wanted to force choke Poe Dameron. That bastard was holding _her_ hand while they were sitting on the beach. He didn’t force choke him only because he would hurt _her_ feelings. But his words did worse.

“What is that?” He yelled at them and Rey turned to look at him and glance toward Poe. She opened her mouth to say something, but that stupid and arrogant pilot spoke before her.

“Nothing of your concern. I didn’t know that you owed him any explanations, Rey.”

“Poe, _please_. Let’s…”

Ben didn’t even look at her, so concentrated he was on Poe Dameron’s pretty face, imaging how it would be if he gave him a scar with his lightsaber. “She doesn’t owe anything to me, Dameron. But I know _men_ like you. I know what how you can whisper sweet nothings in her ear and make her fall in love with you.”

Rey seemed stunned by that. “No, Ben. You don’t see…”

Poe just laughed. “Yes. He doesn’t see anything. You’re so selfish! Don’t you see she’s confused with that bond. You’re always confusing her. She was saying that she would give anything to close the bond now that you’re here. Safe.”

“Wait, Poe…I didn’t…”

 _She_ had already said things like that before. It was only his third month on Ahch-To and she hadn’t forgive him for the episode with the blond girl. He looked at Poe who only continued with his venom, “You can’t have any pride here. You have no right over anyone or anything. You should apologize every second.”

Ben had been defeated. But this time he looked at Rey and she was crying. Her eyes wanted to tell him something but her bond was closed to him. Anger and humiliation took control of his temper when he spat to her, “You’re always the first one to talk about truth and being honest. Are you honest with yourself when you say those things and keep dreaming on me at night? Stay with your _lover_ , Scavenger, and try to dream of him in my stead.”

She was hurt. He could tell for her lips trembling and her eyes watering. But her eyes looked at him with such fierceness. “You know nothing, Ben Solo.” She left with Poe, taking _his_ hand.

He knew she hated him at that moment.

Dinner was awful. Ben had been crying before their meal, panic having invaded his mind. _She liked him_. Of course she did. She was trying to choose between him and Finn probably. She wanted a hero. Poe Dameron stole his mother, his place at the Resistance and Rey. He wanted to kill that man but he knew he couldn’t. His family’s forgiveness meant more that anything else right now. And _she_ wouldn’t forgive him if he killed _her_ lover.

Poe sat at his side to eat. Rey was before Ben, but she didn’t look at him. Poe Dameron was smiling, teeth and all. Ben wanted to punch his mouth.

“So, _Ben._ Last time we met you were wearing a very scary mask.” He said mocking him. “It’s a pity I didn’t get to know your face without the scar Rey gave to you.”

Ben inhaled slowly trying to keep his temper in check. The audience was waiting for a demand of excuses. He should apologize. But he was going to do better.

“Yeah. But my mask didn’t scare you anyway. I apologize for having tortured you. It wasn’t necessary. Your mind is so open that I can read it without any barrier. I’ve tortured you because I was angry at my mother. I saw on your mind how _she_ loved you.”

Leia went blank. “Ben…”

Ben went on. “ And I can see now… you’re not only her favorite…there’s another person who _lo-_ “

“Enough.” His mother interrupted him. “You’re going to apologize right now to Poe Dameron.”

Poe laughed at that. “You have wonderful skills, Ben. But, if my head is easy to read, your face shows how jealous you are.” He left the hut kissing Rey’s cheek making Ben’s blood boil.

His mother and uncle looked at him and his mother repeated what she had already said. “Before we leave tomorrow, I want you to apologize to Poe Dameron. Do I have to remember that you’re not on very good position to make enemies inside the Resistancew? Remember: I’m working very hard to bring you back to us. Be a man.” She left the table going to the bedroom.

His uncle looked at him to say, “Tomorrow, I’m leaving with your mother to buy us some supplies. I hope you and Rey will not blow up the island.”

He finally looked at Rey who was playing with her food having eaten nothing of it. She seemed _sad_.

He left the hut to look for the pilot. He was at the beach again.

“I’m sorry.” Ben said. “I shouldn’t have tortured you.”

Poe smirked. “Kylo Ren has tortured me. Ben Solo is just jealous. It’s okay. But what you did to _Finn_ and _Rey…_ ” his face frowned. “ I will never forget or forgive.”

Suddenly, his anger toward Poe Dameron gave place to another thing. He cared for Rey too. He should know about…before he could regret, he was asking, “Does she really hate me?”

Poe snorted. “No. She doesn’t. She should, though. By the way, she’s really upset with you.”

They all left the other day, leaving him alone with Rey. She was at the waterfalls, sitting on a stone with her feet on water. He came to sit with her. Her eyes were swollen and red.

“I shouldn’t have called you dishonest. I’m sorry.”

She nodded once. “It’s okay. You’re right.”

Ben narrowed his eyes at that. His jaw clenched. If he was right, she and Dameron…Anger and worry mixed up on his mind. _He was right_. What did she mean by that? “What do you mean by that?” He asks hating the weak sound in his voice. “Am I right because you’re together?”

She finally looked at him. _Hurt._ There was hurt in her eyes. _He_ had hurt her and he didn’t need too much to be sure about that. “Stop saying those things. Don’t even think about that. There’s not me and Poe, can’t you see?”

Her voice was as weak as his own, but he felt relieved…yet, there was another thing bothering him. This time he got more confident, though. “Then, why was he holding your hand?”

“ _I_ was holding his hand.” She answered cocking an eyebrow to him.

He looked at her with a very deep scowl. “Why?”

“Well, you have no right to ask me anything, but, for your sake, and for my own, actually, I’ll tell you. We shared some secrets.”

“W-What kind of secrets? I thought you kept no secrets from me.” He was becoming desperate.

“I have secrets with Poe.”

 _Poe_. _Poe Dameron._ He remembered what the pilot had said about the bond. Now, that she had rescued him, she wanted to sever it. “What he said about the bond is true?”

She was serious and sad again. ”Yes. But you’ll never understand.”

 He could understand. She was sad because, with The Force pulling them in that way, Rey was supposing there was no way for her to meet and love anyone else. Actually, she thought _he_ was the one in love, waiting for her surrender soon or later. With a blink of an eye, Ben saw that he was the first one to project his dreams to her, pulling her to conversations she hated to have…

Rey was hurt because he knew that at night she couldn’t resist, but look for his dreams. She wanted to be courted. Something she never had. “Right.” He finally answered. “What if we keep the bond closed and try to know each other in the old ways?”

“What? I don’t want the old ways! I mean…” She breathed out and in to speak again. “We were talking about your different _postures_ during our _interrogations._ Sometimes, it’s difficult to know how people see you. I know what you’re feeling when you killed your father or interrogating Poe. You’re not the monster they think you are…but…”

He swallowed hard waiting for her answer…”But…” He urged her.

“But every time I’m trying to defend you and explain your choices, you do something stupid to hurt me. How could you think I was going to have something with Poe?” She started to sob.

Usually, seeing her crying and hurting would make him apologize and try to make up with her. But, this time he was angry. Angry with that stupid pilot and with Rey. “You’re always accusing me of betraying you with that girl.”

Suddenly, her expression changed. She wasn’t hurt anymore. Well, she was, but she had anger in her eyes when she stared at him. “Don’t compare holding hands to your _gift._ It’s not even close…”

“Yeah. It’s not even close.” He interrupted her. “Holding hands is intimate. It’s worse than _my gift,_ because I had nothing with her. But holding hands with that handsome, brave and good pilot hurt like hell, okay?”

She only blinked at him. “We were crying together. He loves someone that it’s not me. And I like someone that it’s not him. Are you happy now?”

He smiled at her but it last only some seconds. It couldn’t be him. Probably, she would say it was FN 2187.

She smiled mischievously at him. “Aren’t you going to ask me who is it?”

“No. I don’t want to know.” What a chance the bond close right now. He couldn’t lie to her. “I…if this person is me, I want to hear from you that you like me without the Bond. Let’s make an experience. We close the bond for some weeks and we see what happens.”

She bit her bottom lip. “I have a better idea. Let’s make a bet.”

“A bet? I don’t like betting.”

“That’s why Poe and Finn are funnier than you.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s keep the bond closed. Both sides of it. At night, we keep it open. The first one who dreams with the other one will take care of laundry and wash the dishes for one month.” She suggested.

“Done.”

Three nights after their bet, Ben was dreaming his hair was becoming blue when the scenario changed completely. It was her bedroom; he was sitting on her bed while she was straddling him kissing him passionately. “Damn it.” She said between kisses. “It’s so good, Ben Solo. What would I do without that Bond?”

Rey washed dishes and laundry. And Ben started to consider he should be grateful to Poe Dameron. After all, the pilot could hold her hand, but Ben knew that the new ways of flirting were his expertise.

 


	24. Day 24 - Ben Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being late, but here I am! Let's finish that!

“May I help you?” The young woman asked him.

“I’m Ben Solo. I’m the father…”

“Oh. Of course. The Solo children. You can come in.” She said opening the door for the Head Teacher’s room. The school had called him to say that Hannah and Anakin had been caught fighting. They were excellent warriors and they had the Force, so…he was sorry for the other children. Ben was getting used to those calls because of Hannah. But Anakin…that was new.

His children had some bruises and scratches but their eyes said they didn’t regret the fighting. His fourteen-year-old daughter never did actually. She had a fierceness in her eyes that made Leia Organa love her granddaughter even more when they fought. Hannah looked exactly like her with her hair disheveled and her dirty school uniform.

Anakin, however, was a very sensible child, wise and he really regretted his bac actions when he was caught doing something wrong. This time his son didn’t seem worried with the consequences. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were staring at the wall. Ben knew this face. It was his face when Snoke was chastising him for something he knew he was right.

“Mr. Solo.” The Head Teacher called him. “Your children have been caught fighting with other two students. We have already talked about it and Hannah is going to detention again. This time she will spend three weeks doing extra work. But Anakin…it’s the first time we have this kind of behavior from him. He got and advertisement and I hope we are not going to see it from him again. Hannah, I don’t know what to tell you anymore.”

Hannah didn’t answer Mrs. Taun or looked to her father. “Okay, Mrs. Taun. I’m going to talk to them about that.”

“You can leave now.” She told his children. “I would like to talk to you, Mr. Solo.”

Ben turned to Hannah. “You wait for me outside.” He told her matter-of-factly.

Once they she left with Anakin, Mrs. Taun took a remote control from her desk and turned to the projector. “Mr. Solo, I think you should take a look at that. The Holonet has displayed some news about your family behavior.”

He looked at the projector to find his mother slapping a high ambassador from Naboo. She didn’t stop with the slap. She punched him in sequence and she was going to do it again when another senator took her wrist taking her out of the room. Ben was stunned. His jaw dropped and his eyes were wild. The transmission cut to another scene, this time the hangar where he worked. He recognized the three buns he loved before he understood what he was watching. Rey was force pushing another girl that almost hit against a ship.

The transmission ended and Mrs. Taun sighed before talking to him. “I think you should talk about this with the entire family, Mr. Solo. I know about your past and that you’re redeemed right now, but the history of violence in your family is affecting your children. You all should keep your temper in check.”

Ben felt heat burning his face and he could only say in a very low voice, “I’ll do it. I promise.”

Ben promised it but he knew that once he had his reasons to react like that. And he was very curious to understand what had triggered those reactions on his family.

* * *

 

Ben Solo was a very curious and cheerful boy when he was alone or with his family. He was comfortable when his mother, father or uncle stopped to hear his musings about everything. But Leia was always busy, Han was never at home and uncle Luke tried to explain everything through The Force.

Ben thought the Force sucked during the first eight years of his life when at school all the boys laughed at him. There were a lot of topics. His hair, his ears, his powers. Generally, he didn’t care when they called him ‘crazy’, ‘damaged’ or ‘dumb ben’. However, if someone talked about his family…he didn’t need the Force. He used his strength to punch them like mom and dad had taught him at home.

The son of some senator called his mother toothy. The boy lost one teeth and he got two weeks with extra homework.

Another boy said his father was going to die after an accident with the Falcon. Ben got a purple eye, but the boy got two.

A girl said his uncle used to paint his hair. She came back home with half of her long hair and Ben with an advertisement that made Leia cut his hair.

This first Ben loved his family and he was going to do anything to protect them. Reckless things. Anything.

The adolescent learned how to control his temper and learned how to hide. He learned how wonderful the Force could be to fight. He would listen to the other padawans how crazy he sound when he talked about the girl he dreamed about, how stupid he was writing to his father, who never answered him, how wrong he was about his mother – they used to say she couldn’t rule anything right -, how everything was easier to him because his uncle was his master.

Ben didn’t care about any of that. But someone said his father wasn’t worthy his title of hero during the Battle of Endor. That padawan went to the med bay.

Another padawan told him his uncle knew nothing about The Old Jedi Order. A shelf with holobooks felt down on him. Ben did that without moving a single muscle.

An apprentice said his mother was actually a very beautiful woman and that she should look for another husband. Ben punched him.

This second Ben loved his family and he was going to do anything to protect them.

The man he became was torn, confused and lonely. He found out that his mother couldn’t rule anything right because her own family was a mess. He faced the true about his uncle: he knew very little about the old jedi order and about his own parents. He gave up on trying to reach for his father because Han Solo really didn’t care about him.

This third Ben Solo hated his family. He didn’t believe them anymore. He didn’t know who he was anymore. He hated his family and he would do anything to destroy them.

And to destroy Ben Solo. He wanted to forget that he used this name. A weak, blind and stupid boy. He hated Ben Solo because the truth was there and he had denied it since the beginning. The whole galaxy knew it. He left Kylo Ren take his place.

Kylo Ren wasn’t supposed to have mother, father or uncle. He was supposed to suffocate Ben Solo. It was hard at the beginning. Snoke couldn’t anticipate that.

His new master called his mother a whore. Kylo Ren didn’t care about that.  He said she rejected him. _Ben_ tried to force choke him. Snoke punished Ben Solo for still being alive. But he didn’t regret that.

Snoke called his uncle useless. Kylo Ren didn’t care about that. The Supreme Leader said Luke Skywalker never cared about his own nephew. His new master was burned because of his unstable lightsaber. Ben Solo was punished for still being alive. But he didn’t regret that.

The Supreme Leader said his father didn’t want him. That he was ashamed of his own son and his powers. Kylo Ren didn’t care about that. He said Han Solo was useless. Kylo Ren didn’t care about that. Snoke asked his apprentice to kill his own father. Kylo Ren didn’t care about that.

He did it. Then, he thought Kylo Ren had succeed his mission. Ben Solo was finally dead. Until the weakness flooded his body. _His weakness. Ben Solo was still alive._

This fourth Ben Solo was trapped in the dark. He loved his family and he would do anything to come back. He didn’t know how to do it.

 _She_ came after him. He remembered when he felt her presence for the first time through their bond. She was laughing. He was working and listening to her laughing as if it was beside him. He actually glanced toward Hux and Phasma. No one there. It was inside him. He closed his eyes to focus and formed a thought.

_Where are you?_

She gasped. He could feel her gasping.

_What are you doing ? I know who you are! I don’t what kind of power is that but stop it right now!_

_You say you know I am. Who am I, Rey?_

_You’re a monster._

_I am._

Ben Solo was a monster. He would remain a monster until the rest of his life. There wasn’t place for him in the dark or in the light.

_Your uncle told me about Ben Solo today._

_Why are you reaching for me? Have you told him about our connection?_

_Of course I didn’t. He wouldn’t say anything to me. I’m reaching for you because I can’t understand how you can be that today. He says you were such a wonderful boy, he says you were loved and…_

_I know you hadn’t a family, Rey. Love is not everything. I wanted them there with me. They were there, but they weren’t with me. I grew up as lonely as you. Believe or not._

_You killed your own father! Han Solo was wonderful!_

_YES! HE WAS WONDERFUL!_  He screamed through their bond. _And I only wanted him with ME!_

_Yet! HOW COULD YOU? He loved you…_

_He loved Ben Solo. And he left him for his selfish life. He loved more the Falcon actually._

_You speak as if you were another person! Why did you kill your father, Ben?_

Ben. She had called him Ben. Just like Han Solo.

_BECAUSE I STILL LOVED HIM!_

Silence. She didn’t speak to him for a whole week.

_Ben?_

_Don’t call me that. My name is Kylo Ren._

_Okay, I can call you Monster if you prefer._

_What do you want, Scavenger?_

_Do you still love him?_

He didn’t reached for her for a whole week.

_Rey?_

_Yes, Monster?_

_I do. More than before. I still love him._

_I knew it. I could feel it. You can be a monster, Ben Solo, but you still have a heart apparently. But I don’t believe you._

_I know._

This fifth Ben Solo had a reason to come back. He wanted Rey to believe him. He wanted to love his family again.

They married on Ben’s birthday so it could be Rey’s birthday as well. Rey Solo was born that day and Hannah was already there with them. This Ben Solo would do anything to protect his family.

* * *

 

Apparently, his family was going to do anything to protect him too.

They were sitting on their couch. While Luke was laughing at them from the kitchen, Ben stood before them. Padmé, Anakin, Hannah, Leia and Rey looked at Ben. He couldn’t believe he was going to scold them.

“I don’t even know how to get started. The bad temper in this house belongs to me! Today is my birthday! What do I get? Bites, the school calling me because my children hit other children, my mother punching an ambassador and my wife force pushing people.”

“Start with Padmé!” Luke said eating a sandwich.

Ben passed his fingers through his hair. “Padmé, you can’t bite your brother and sister. You’re two years old and that’s enough to understand, okay? If they say ‘No’, it’s ‘No’. Don’t bite them again.”

Padmé was very serious looking at him with her pouty lips.

Ben went on. “Anakin, what happened at school? You’re not like that!”

Anakin seemed upset and blurted out, “He said I was going to kill you! That I would be bad like you! But you’re not bad! I tried to tell him, but he insisted, so I punched his nose!”

Ben didn’t know how to answer to that. As he feared, his child was suffering for his mistakes. That hurt like hell. “I-I understand you got upset with that, but, Ani, you shouldn’t care about that. You’re right, I’m not that man anymore, but people don’t know it.”

“He didn’t want to listen!” his son frowned his eyebrows just like Rey.

“Okay. Promise me, first, you’re going to talk to your teacher if it happens again.”

“Okay.” The boy answered unhappily.

Hannah Solo. That wonderful impossible girl raised her eyes to meet with his. “Hannah Solo. You should be a model to your brother.”

“I am.” She answered lifting her shoulders. “He gave that boy a nice punch.”

Leia laughed at that but stopped when Ben looked coldly at her.

“What happened this time. I’m curious about your version.”

“There’s a boy in my class that tried to kiss me. I didn’t want it. He didn’t listen to me, so, I punched him.” Hannah explained matter-of-factly.

Ben’s eyes widened at that. “WHAT? Excellent, Darling! Don’t ever let them touch you!”

Rey glanced at Ben and looked at Hannah. “Do you like him?”

Hannah sighed. “I did. Last year. But he said no one was going to want me because I was creepy with my powers and my father is who he is. He said he was doing me a _favor_.”

Leia patted her granddaughter’s hair. “You’re very brave, Sweetheart. I’m proud of you!”

Ben smiled at her. “So am I.”

Hannah grinned back to him.

“So, now the HoloNet. Mom, why did you slap that ambassador?” His mood changed quickly when he remembered the two women left.

“He said you were a brat who still need you mother’s protection. So, I slapped him.” Leia said looking just like Hannah.

“Mom, I think you proved his point when you slapped him to defend my _honor_. I don’t need that!”

“Ben, you worked hard for your redemption! You’re a warrior who fought for us long before killing Snoke! I won’t admit anyone insulting you like that.” His mother said fiercely.

“Okay, Mom. Thank you, I think.”

“You’re welcome, son.”

Rey didn’t meet his eyes. “Now, the great Jedi ever. Master Solo, what were you doing on that hangar?”

“I wanted to surprise you. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one.” Rey said hurt.

“Why did you force push Ashley?” Ben asked Rey calmly.

Her eyes suddenly met his. They flashed the fury that was coming from her side of the bond.

Everyone on the couch seemed aware of the situation, but Ben, and Anakin whispered. “Oh, no, Dad! You’ll never learn.”

Rey was breathing heavily. “Ben Solo, why do you know her name?” She asked through her teeth.

Ben opened his mouth to answer and everyone took advantage to leave the living room going to the gardens. Even Luke.

“She’s a pilot, Rey. We work together!”

She stood up to mirror his position. She put her hands on her hips. “Well, _she_ said that you were a very handsome man and that you deserved someone better than a girl who can’t wear make up! She said that to her friend. I was just behind her so… the rest you’ve seen apparently. Now, tell me how do you know her name!”

Ben laughed hard at that. He couldn’t stop. He was almost crying with his laugh, but his wife’s eyes made him stop almost immediately. “Okay, honey. I know you don’t like when they call you a girl.”

“Ben. That is not the reason why I’m like that! What have you told her to make her think like that? Why do you even talk to her?

“Rey, please. I can’t believe you’re jealous! I love you. I love _you_. It doesn’t matter if you put make up or not!” he exclaimed, putting his arms around her waist to bring her closer. “I love you, Master Solo.”

“Why do you know her name?” Rey asked again seeming unaffected by his proximity.

“I know her name because her ship is always parked near mine and, sometimes, I say ‘good morning’ to her.” He started to kiss her neck. “Happy now?” he whispered on her ear knowing how much she liked that.

She relaxed with his attentions. “Well, Happy Birthday, Mr. Solo!” she said finally kissing him.

“Happy Birthday and anniversary, Mrs. Solo.” He whispered against her lips.

“Say that you’re mine, Ben. I want to hear it. I need to hear it.” she said putting her arms around his neck.

“I’m yours, yours. Only yours.”

“And I’ll keep you forever with me. I will always fight for you, Ben Solo.”

This sixth Ben Solo loved his family. He would do anything to protect them. And this time, they would protect him too. For the first time, Ben Solo wasn’t alone.

 

 

 

 


	25. Day 25 - His lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jess444, as you requested:)

Ben always hated gala parties. Since he was a child, something about the pompous gowns, suits and fake smiles made him sick. At that time, only his mother used to walk and talk to all those senators, counselors, kings, queens and princes. He would stand behind a pillar with his father, who seemed as uncomfortable as he did, and his uncle, who hadn’t to wear those stupid clothes because he was always dressed as a jedi.

He didn’t play with other children or talk to other people.

Well, things didn’t change a lot. But, now, he has another thing to bother him when he attends to those events. Rey. His wife is the most stunning woman in the whole galaxy. At the beginning he thought he was only in love with her, so, it was natural to think his wife was the most beautiful person in the world. Those parties, however, showed that other _men_ thought the same. Ben hated knowing how to read minds when they danced with _Master Solo._ Or when she smiled and talked to them.

When he was a child, the other kids would never approach him because he was always in a very bad mood and his face showed it. He became a man, and his face still shows how he feels. Not only him. Looking at his left, Hannah and Anakin had the same expression he had

“I hate those parties.” Hannah told him eating something that seemed like a purple lemon.

Anakin tried to take out his tie, but gave up. Apparently, his mother wasn’t joking when she said she would take care of it with the Force. “Dad, when are we leaving?”

Ben huffed. “When your mother stops with her diplomacy. Or when your grandmother fights someone.” He said looking for his wife and finding out that she was dancing with…that man again! “Or now, maybe.” He answered Anakin, leaving his children to take _his_ wife back.

“Excuse me.” Ben said when he reached the dancers. “Can I have this dance with _my_ wife?”

“Of course.” _That bastard_ said. “See you, Ben. Rey.”

Ben grabbed Rey by her waist bringing her closer more than what was needed for a dance.

“Ben? Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

“No. You’re not. I know when you’re upset. You’re pouting.” She told him matter-of-factly.

Damn it. He forgot his lips. His lips always betrayed him.

* * *

 

He never knew how to mask his feelings. His face was an open book. Not because of his eyes, but because of lips. Thanks to them, it was very easy to know if he was happy or upset because his full and red lips always denounced him. Leia used to say that he looked like Han when he did that. It was true. The photos didn’t lie.

It could seem paradoxical, but under his mask as Kylo Ren, he felt free as he never had. Under the mask, he could smile, pout, anything he wanted without anyone asking if he was alright or admonishing him for being weak. Snoke could feel him through the Force, but only when he wasn’t focused enough on his defenses. The Master of the Knights of Ren could hide from his master if he wanted. That’s how he had hidden his bond with _her_.

Having a bond with the Resistance would be the end of the First Order. Or the Resistance’s. Or his own end. Or hers. He couldn’t bear it.

His conflict was making him lose control. Kylo Ren knew about secret missions being arranged by the Resistance and he found himself incapable of making a move to tell his master. Snoke was already suspicious something was going on with his apprentice, but he insisted on his training.

When the Darksider rested his head on his pillow, exhausted, it was to dream on her or to project his image to make her a visit or she would do it. They had learned the difference between shared dreams and projecting their own images. The first one was exactly that: one of them was dreaming and the other would see it as a dream too. The thing was: Kylo had learned how to project into her dreams. She didn’t know that small detail. When they kissed, it was real for him.

There was nothing in the world to compare the sensation of his lips on hers. He loved projecting.

Until the day when someone else touched her lips. And it wasn’t a dream. Or a nightmare. It was happening and he could listen to everything.

He was with his Knights eating after a long lightsaber duel.

She was having flying lessons with a pilot. Paul Stan was his name. He could see how their hands touched when he wanted to teach her how to push or pull a button or something with mechanics. He hated the way she smiled at him and the way her eyes were bright shining with happiness. He hated how they would talk about simple things as dessert and beaches.

A chain reaction triggered his body when he saw them standing outside the ship. Paul Stan leaned down touching _her face_ and he kissed her. She didn’t close that damned bond! He could feel how she was enjoying kissing him. Something made his chest clench and his jaw tense, his eyes widened and he could feel his lips move in disgust.

_Mine. She’s mine. I’ve been waiting for her since I’m a child. The Force brought her to me! I’ll kill that man._

“Sir? Are you alright?” Kor Ren asked.

“Yes.” He blurted out.

“Are you sure? I know you, sir and…”

Kylo Ren was pouting.

He left the room without another word. When he arrived at his quarters, he decided he wouldn’t give her the pleasure to see how distressed he was. He wouldn’t reach for her.

What was she thinking? Why didn’t she close her side of the bond? Why did she…

He knew she felt it too. The pull to each other.

Oh. _Oh._ He gasped understanding overflowing him. She wanted him to know that she didn’t belong to him. Rey wasn’t his.

The revelation made him sit on the edge of his bed. Angry invading his senses. _She was his_. He was going to show her that.

It took three days for her to project inside his quarters. He came in still wearing his mask after a long day of…work. She was looking inside his drawers.

“What are you doing here? There are no plans for our next superweapon among my underwear.” His mechanical voice told her.

She jumped startled at that sound. Kylo noticed that her eyes had dark circles around them and her hair was disheveled. Rey hadn’t sleep well, she had nightmares the night before. He could feel it. But he wasn’t going to show his concern. He was still upset with her.

“I-I need to talk to you.” she uttered.

“Spit out.” He retorted without making a movement to remove the mask he knew she hated. He couldn’t. She would know that he was upset and she would win. She always won.

“I think I like Paul. So we have to find a way to sever this.” She said gesturing between them.

He lost his posture. He took out his mask. “You can’t like him. You can’t like _anyone_.”

She frowned at that. “Why? Because I’ll be a jedi? Come on, your grandfather…”

“No. You can’t like him because…because…you kissed him once and you think you like him? Why are you telling me that?” He wanted to cry. He was sure that he was pouting and that this time his eyes were betraying him too.

“Because you’re inside my mind! And I don’t want my life to become your personal theater. I have to tell you how I feel about that!”

He was controlling his temper all that time. But just then, he lost it. “Tell me how you feel about that? You never listen to me! And what about how I feel? Have you ever considered that I have feelings? We have been dreaming about each other! I dream on finding you since I was a child. I have to fight for you every single day when my master tries to scan me with his mind tricks. I protect everything you do against the First Order. Now, you come here to tell me you like the _pilot_ you’ve just met! And you want to break a Force Bond, naturally forged by the way. It’s not that easy.” He stopped talking to look at her. She opened her mouth twice to answer him.

The third time she murmured, “Okay. Maybe, we can only close the Bond for now and think about another solution later if…|” She stopped as she looked at him. “What is it? Do you want to tell me something else?”

“No.” He lied.

“Yes, you do. I know when you’re upset. Your lips. You always make a pout when you’re upset. What is it?”

He breathed trying to control his anger. “It’s not about the bond. I don’t care about the Force. You’re telling me you like another man. You’re _mine_ , Rey.”

Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “I’m not _yours_! I’m not your property! I can stay with anyone I want!”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant you…It doesn’t matter how you’re going to understand that. You’re _mine_. I meant that.”

“You’re Kylo Ren and I’m Rey. We can’t be together. Can’t you see?”

The Master of the Knights of Ren took a step closer to her. And he tried to project everything he felt through their bond while he talked to her. “I’m yours. I belong with you, Rey. The Force whispers that to me since the beginning. You’re mine. I know it. I hate when you’re with another man. Finn, Poe, Paul, because I can never touch you the way they do.”

She gasped and her eyes watered. “I felt that when I was kissing Paul.” She said touching her heart. “I thought that this feeling of belonging was mine for him. It was you, wasn’t it? I was feeling you through the Bond.”

“I don’t know.” He answered uncertainly and ashamed.

“Yes. I kissed him again with the bond closed and I didn’t feel the same. I felt guilty. That’s why I couldn’t sleep thinking how I was going to tell you.” She said shyly. “Do you really feel like that for me?”

“I do.”

“Okay. I think I won’t be with Paul. I don’t like him apparently. And I won’t try. It’s already very complicated between us.”

Kylo was relieved but Rey seemed very sad. Maybe she wanted to like another person and he was on her way. He didn’t want it to be like that. He wanted her to love him the way he loved her. She always won.

“You’re right. You can stay with anyone you want. The Force can’t determine your choices. You should give him another chance.” He couldn’t believe his ears. His internal voice was screaming for him to stop, but he went on. “You can close the bond. I’m not good with that…but I’ll understand.”

“Thank you, I think.” She disappeared from his room.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw. It was Han Solo’s face when he fought with Leia Organa.

She reached for him three days later. She sounded happy.

 _Monster_.

_Yes, Scavenger._

_I wanted to tell you that I’m not with Paul. I didn’t even try again as I was supposed to._

He sighed relieved and happy.

_Will you tell me why?_

_Because I’ve decided that I belong to myself and to no one else. First, I have to learn how to deal with my own feelings and with this bond before anything._

Of course, she wasn’t going to accept that she belonged with him.

_Are you already pouting because I didn’t say I belonged with you?_

His pouty lips melted in a smile. _I think you like my pouty lips, Scavenger. You pay so much attention to them._

_Well, it’s better than your mask._

* * *

 

They arrived at home. He put an asleep Anakin on the bed and kissed Hannah good night.  After that, he came inside his own bedroom to find Rey sitting at her vanity. She had already took out her earrings and necklace. Ben sat on their bed and started to do the same with his tie. She stood up and came before to kneel before him.

“Let me help you with that.” Rey said starting to untie his accessory.

He sighed looking at her. If it wasn’t for that man he would be kissing her right now.

She grinned at him. “Are you going to tell me or not what is bothering you?”

He took her wrists as she ended her work to answer with sarcasm. “As if you didn’t know.”

“Well, I don’t. All that I know is that your pout says you’re very upset and that you have closed your bond, so you’re must be controlling your bad temper. What is it?”

Ben looked away before looking into those hazel eyes. “You danced with four different man tonight. I hate it.”

“Every time I called you to dance with me you would say you didn’t want to embarrass me. But I know you’re a very good dancer actually. Ben, it was just politics. We discussed things, rebuilding ancient temples, how to make the families more involved with their force sensitive children and how to deal with a new jedi code.”

He crossed his arms. “What about Paul Stan? What kind of politics you were discussing while you were dancing _twice_?” he snapped out.

She became very serious then. “Ben! I can’t believe you’re jealous of him!”

Ben got up and started talking losing his control. She was the only one with whom he could do it. “I’m always jealous, Rey, but I control myself to do not fight with you. I hate when you talk, smile, shake hands or anything else with other man. I’m always afraid you’re going to realize that you have better options than Kylo Ren. Besides, I have fought for you for so long that I can’t deal imagining you with another man. I can’t live in a galaxy where you’re not _mine_. Because you’re _mine_.”

Rey came near him with two confident steps putting her hands on his cheeks. “I will never leave you, Ben.” Those almost green eyes delved into his. She was putting him under her spell again. Not this time. He wanted to know everything.

He took her hands from his face. “What were you talking about with him?”

Rey answered him with a smile that made her face shine. “I was telling him how happy I am with my choice. And I owed him some apologies.”

His face hardened. “What kind of apologies? For having chosen me?

Rey bite her lower lip before responding. “No. I used him to find out some information.”

“When was that? I didn’t know about that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

His wife rolled her eyes, but she laughed before speaking. “I left the bond open the first time I kissed him because I wanted to know how you felt about me. At that time I already had feelings for you.”

That didn’t make any sense. “When you projected you didn’t seem as if you’re plotting that. You were really sad.”

Rey swallowed hard before continuing. “You didn’t reach for me. Not even a dream. I knew you were there with the bond open, but you always looked for me. I was missing you.” She brought both hands around his neck intertwining her fingers on his hair.

Ben couldn’t help. He enlaced her waist to bring her closer. “So, you never wanted to be with him?”

“No.” She answered simply.

A smirk danced on his face. “So, Scavenger, you admit you were, you are and will be always _mine_.” He whispered with proud.

“I’m yours, Ben. Only yours. You should know that by now. Everyone knows that. We have two kids together. And…they are going to know it again.” She said that bringing his hand to rest on her belly.

Ben gasped and his eyes watered. “Again?”

“Yes, Ben. Again.  I hope this one will look like you.”

“I-I love you, Scavenger.”

“I love you, Monster.”

He kissed her and there was nothing else in the galaxy to compare with the feeling of his lips touching hers.

 

 

 


	26. Day 26 - Validation

“Dad! Thank you!” Anakin exclaimed taking the small Falcon model Ben had fixed earlier. “How did you learn to fix things?”

Ben smiled at his son. He looked like Rey when he was happy. “Well, you have to understand how the thing works. I took a lot of time to have enough patience. Second, with your mother. She taught me how to deal with the tools.”

Anakin frowned. “She fixed our doorbell last week and she said she learned how to fix things with you.”

Ben frowned back. That wasn’t true.

“Thanks, Dad! You’re the best!”

* * *

 

During his youth, Ben Solo always looked for approval. He wanted his mother’s approval, so he tried to be the son she wanted him to be: a polite and sensible child. Actually, he wanted to steal the Corellian cookies from the beautiful red jar that rested on the kitchen’s countertop and tell everybody how he could make people fly through the Council’s room.

He wanted his father’s approval, so he tried to be the best kid in the galaxy: he wanted him to be strong and smart. Deep in his heart, Ben knew he had to practice a lot to be strong and he was more curious than smart.  He didn’t work well under pressure. He needed time to figure out how to disable the small bomb that was tickling in his ears before the project exploded sending all his teddy bears in the air. His mother hated this present.

He wanted his uncle’s approval, so he made the promise to be a good nephew: he promised to follow his uncle’s advices and lessons of wisdom. He couldn’t tell Luke Skywalker about the voice in his head whispering and influencing the other path he was following in the dark hours of his sleep or how the light wasn’t enough for him.

Ben solo was born as a symbol of hope. Born to be the wealthy child of heroes. No one ever asked him about what he really wanted and what he really was. Sometimes he felt like a dog looking for a bone to show them how good he could be at everything. The truth was that Ben Solo didn’t have to understand what was going on with himself. He didn’t know who he was.

Especially when he found out about Darth Vader. He never felt more lost and out of control as he felt that day.

The voice, Snoke was the first to say that he shouldn’t be ashamed of his feelings or thoughts. The first to accept him the way he was or the way he thought he was born to be. He said he understood Ben’s fight against the dark, explaining that it was natural given his former master. He told Ben he disagreed with Luke’s methods, but they had been useful to the new apprentice. Ben knew how the other side worked. It would be easy to defeat them.

Once again, Ben had been made a fool. Snoke only wanted his power to ascend as the new Supreme Leader. He never cared about his path or about his experiences. He was using Ben. putting him under a mask, making him forget the truth that was his family.  Han Solo was right.

He didn’t listen to his father though. Now he would have to live with all his bad choices. With his pain. At the beginning, the nightmares made him want to die. He could see his mother standing and asking him why. He could see his uncle silently reproving him. He could see _her._ She was always leaving him.

After Starkiller, the only truth he knew about himself was that he had become a shadow. Ben Solo wasn’t a creature from the Light or from the Dark. A shadow needs the light to be projected and the darkness to forge itself. The only thing that kept his pieces gathered was _her light_. Rey. And his darkness. But she wouldn’t listen to him. Every time he tried to explain or justify his attitudes, she closed the bond. Until the day he came to her with a different approach.

_Scavenger?_

_What do you want?_

_You’re right. I can’t justify my actions or my feelings. But I need you to understand my reasons. You don’t have to accept them or forgive me. Just listen to me. Please._

_Kylo Ren saying please? I’m curious about this. Go on._

_I know you feel the pull to the Darkness just like I feel the pull to the Light. I’ve already been in your place, Rey. When I followed the Jedi Code, the Force tried to pull me to the Dark. I had a voice in my head calling for me and no one believed me. You’ve flourished under sunlight. You’re carved in Light, Rey. I was always hiding, besides my family lied to me. I’ve never had a place in that world._

_And now? Do you have a place?_

She knew where to stab him. _No. I feel as lost as before._

_You’re going to tell me that you killed your father because you wanted to belong to the darkness? Or because you hated that your family lied to you?_

_I killed my father because I wanted to stop the pain. I couldn’t bear anymore being torn apart. And I had a plan. I wanted them to know that I was different. That the Force isn’t a choice of Light or Dark, but both. I tried to avoid him. But he was there. I was so close…_

_I don’t understand._

_I didn’t want to kill him. I wanted to complete my training in the dark and come back to the Light. I wanted to prove that my family was wrong. I killed Han Solo because If I hadn’t done that it would have destroyed me._

_Why are you so selfish?_ She shouted through their connection.

_No. It’s not like that. The pain was going to destroy me and then I wouldn’t have fulfilled my purpose to the Force. I asked for his help. He said anything. So I did it. And I regret it. There were other ways, but I was surrounded by the darkside at that moment. The only thing I could sense was that I hated him._

_Purpose?_

_Balance. The Force is always seeking for balance. If I die, there’s not going to be balance in the galaxy._

_What? How can you be presumptuous?_

_There has been an awakening.  Light and Dark. You and I. You’re the Light and I’m the Dark. We complete each other, Rey. That is why we forged the bond._

_Do I have to believe that?_

_No. At least, now you know how I feel._

After this conversation, Kylo could finally breathe properly. He was coming to terms with himself. Not with his father’s death. He knew this burden he would carry forever. He would have to live with his acts, he wasn’t justifying himself, but understanding how his mind worked.

_I spoke to your uncle yesterday. He wants you back. He wants to understand you better._

_We’ve already talked about that. I can’t come back. They won’t understand._

_Do you really need the approval of other people?_

_Yes. Yours especially._

Eventually, he relented and she rescued him from the First Order.

Uncle Luke was the first one to talk to him.

“I’m sorry.” His uncle had said. “I didn’t know you felt so lonely. I only wanted to do what I thought was the best thing for you, Ben. But you’re right. I never stopped to listen to _you_.”

Luke Skywalker was a creature from the Light. He was very generous, kind and patient

Leia Organa was another thing. She had too much Vader in her veins just like him.

“Oh, Ben. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you!” She said sarcastically. “You were so lonely…so needed for attention…I was a terrible mother and it’s my fault you’ve killed your father, Lor San Tekka and so many others!”

“That’s not what I said, Mot-“

“Don’t call me that! I’m not your mother!”

His jaw dropped at that, but he remained silent. He deserved that.

“At least, not while you don’t come back entirely. Your way back to me is going to be very tough one, _Son._ ”

She took longer than her brother did to understand her own son.

Rey…she took a year to understand. They had trained and worked with the Resistance on Ahch-To, but he needed to leave. He knew he couldn’t be a shadow and stay with her. He would always be Kylo Ren if he didn’t figure out how to deal with this new Ben Solo and he had to do that as a man. Alone.

His self-induced exile was actually very useful. He could see things clearer that before. He knew who he was. He finally accepted himself, his actions, his feelings. He knew he shouldn’t act recklessly again.

Ben Solo was the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa. The only nephew of Luke Skywalker and grandson of Padmé Amidala and Anakin Skywalker. He had inherited the great Force sensibility from his grandfather and just like him almost lost his mind to the Dark Side. He killed his own father attempting to soothe the pain. He loved his family. He loved Rey more than anything.

He needed her.

The other day she appeared at his hut saying she couldn’t deal with her Light without him beside her. That same night when they were almost sleeping, after having make love in a very desperate way in months, she told him.

“I understand, Monster. You have my approval to come back to us. Do you have your own approval, Ben?”

He chuckled softly. “Yes. Now, I have it.”

* * *

 

She was in the kitchen trying to feed Padmé with solids.

“Hey, Sweetheart, look! Daddy’s here! Show him how you like when Mommy makes you mashed potatoes and carrots!” Rey said trying to cheer up a very fussy Padme.

Ben took a fork from a drawer and took the dish from her hand to start eating the food. “Hum. Delicious, Mommy! I think I’m going to eat it all.”

Padme raised her arms trying to get her meal back.

Rey laughed when he started feeding their baby. “You really understand everything she does, don’t you, Ben?”

“According to our son, I know how to fix things and I taught that to you. I think it’s quite the opposite. Don’t you?”

Rey frowned. “No. Well, I knew how to work with the tools, but fixing only after you. You showed me how to understand the thing and only then try to fix it.”

Ben looked at her a little startled. “I told him that.”

“Of course you did, Ben. You’re the cleverest man I’ve ever met!”

“No. I’m your husband and you love me. That’s all.” He said matter-of-factly.

“What? How are you so sure I love you?”

“Because I feel every day when you say ‘good morning, Monster’ that you understand and accept me as I am. That’s love, Scavenger.”

Rey watched him feed their baby. “Yes. You have my approval, Monster.”

“And you have mine, Love.”

 

 

 


	27. Day 27 - Grey

They had their own energy. A sparkle he felt since the first time they searched for each other through the Force. A fraction of second. He knew she had felt it too. The memory that haunted him the most was also one he cherished the most. For that fraction of time, he felt complete. He had found home. Kylo Ren closed his eyes under the mask to remember the scene on Starkiller.

“You know I can take whatever I want.”

He raised his hand toward her to start searching her head for the map. She recoiled as he came closer almost touching her face. He felt it. The electric pulse in their minds. His Force signature collided with hers. His deep red cloud touched her shining blue sky.  As if they had recognized themselves, they formed something like a nebula, sparkling a raw shade of grey.

They were both surprised with the intensity of this strange contact. But, as it came, it was gone. They were enemies again. She almost blushed and averted her eyes from his. He took another second to recompose his posture.

She resisted him, but he knew that in that instant he was lost. He was hers and he would do anything to feel that same sensation again. The girl. Only a scavenger, he had called her. She was home. His quest was over. He had finally found _her._

He only needed to convince _her_ of that.

He opened his eyes to look at the ceiling of the ship. Through his helmet everything was stained with red. Reaching for the bond and looking at the world through her eyes was bliss. There were colors, sounds, smells. A world that didn’t belong to him anymore. Not while he was in the dark.

_Please. Say that the mission you’re planning won’t take too long._

_Wow, Monster. I didn’t know you were so eager to come back. We’re almost done. It won’t take that long anymore._

_I am._ He hesitated before asking her about his idea. _Can I ask you a question?_

_Yes. But…It doesn’t mean I’m going to answer it._

_Have you ever felt destined to something? I mean, as if the Force knew the reason why you’re alive?_

_I don’t know…the Force is no new to me. I can’t quite read its signs. I’m still learning. Have you ever felt like this?_

_Yes. Always. I knew I would find you. I dream about you since I’m a child. When I knew about the girl who had escaped with the droid we needed…somehow I felt the pull to the Light stronger than ever. I knew it was you. On Starkiller, I knew it was you. I could feel the Force pulling us together._

_Hahaha._ She smiled sarcastically _. Very funny. I can pretend that I believe you dream about me since you were a child._

_It’s the truth. I know you felt it too. I’m asking if before that you’ve had experienced something like that._

_Your voice._ She gasped. He could feel her astonishment.

_What?_

_Now I see. I recognized you too. Not your face, but your voice. From my daydreams and from my nightmares._

Kylo was confused. She used to dream about his voice?

_Can you explain it to me?_

_During my whole life on Jakku, I had the same dream every night. My family dropping me on that planet and a sweet voice telling me ‘I’ll come back, Sweetheart. I promise.’ Sometimes, it was all dark, the same scenes, the same voice in a dark forest. The same promise. ‘I’ll come back, Sweetheart. I promise.”_

Kylo took his mask off and started changing his heavy tunic for a grey shirt and loose trousers. _Are you dressed?_

She chuckled softly _. Yes._

He projected to her quarters in a tropical planet. She was on a top-secret mission. Through the window, he could see enormous trees, so much green. There was a small table with a bowl plenty of fruits. He heard her laugh and turned to greet her. She was wearing a grey dress with some laces and her hair down. Stunning.

“What?” He couldn’t help but smile back, sitting on the edge of her bed where she was sat against the headboard.

“Do you realize I could call your mother in the next room and tell her I have Kylo Ren in my quarters wearing his pajamas?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I’m not actually here. I don’t even know if they can see me. Projecting maybe is only visible for us.”

Rey smiled again. “I think you’re right. Do you like grey?”

“I don’t have a favorite color. But we are matching.” He said gesturing between them.

Something in her eyes told him he was welcome this night. “So, you were talking about my voice in your dreams and nightmares. Since when?”

“Since always. I hoped for so long. I waited there alone. I was so sure they were coming back for me. I thought the voice was my father or someone else who was coming to save me.” She made a small pause and looked into his eyes. “I was wrong. Maz Kanata was right. When I was on Takodana, I wanted to come back _home_ , but she said that the belonging I was looking for wasn’t behind me but ahead.”

Kylo frowned at her words. “Do you think she was talking about Luke and you as a jedi?”

Rey seemed to be pondering about something. “Yeah. I did. But, the moment I ran into the forest, I found you. And then, I recognized your voice and the thing with the…I don’t know…when you looked at me on Starkiller…”

“Home.” He muttered.” You felt home for a second.”

She seemed marveled. “Yes. Home. It was as if our minds were one for a second. Then, it was gone. We were adversaries again.”

Ben looked at her hands resting on her belly. “I’m sorry about the battle. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Something startled her making her lift an eyebrow. “The battle! When our lightsabers clashed against each other. I could feel it too. The grey sparkles.”

Kylo gulped hard. “Yes. Grey. _Our color._ ” He wanted to touch her, to feel that sparkle again. But he wouldn’t ask that.

“Something triggered that. What do you think?”

“I-I don’t know. I’m not sure about it.”

She leaned forward to answer him. “Think with me. Our minds were curious about each other, so the feeling came and was over because our minds had to focus on other things at those moments. You needed the map, I wanted to run, you wanted to be my teacher, I wanted to kill you…”

Kylo huffed. “At least, you admit _I_ didn’t want to kill you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Our minds are connected now, but we are not really close. It’s not the same thing.”

“We have to touch each other. When I touched you on Takodana...”

“What?” She asked surprised. “How did you touch me?”

“You were unconscious. I carried you to the ship. And I stayed with you all the time.” He said blushing. “Your Force signature couldn’t reach for mine because you were asleep.”

She smiled mischievously at him. “Did you really wanted the map, Monster?”

The Master of the Knights of Ren looked intensely into her eyes. “I wanted you.”

Her cheeks blushed. “So…our energy…”

“We have to touch each other.”

She touched his hands first. “We should close our eyes to concentrate.” She suggested.

They did. It worked for a very brief moment.  They could see their signatures colliding and the grey spark made the hair of his neck bristle. Then, it was gone. He dropped her hands an opened his eyes.

Rey did the same, but there were tears on her eyes. “I missed you so much. I waited for you there. For this.”

Without warning him, she hugged him. He wasn’t prepared for what happened next. His Dark and her Light didn’t touch slightly this time. They performed a choreography turning into a symbiotic circle. They completed each other. Rey gasped and so did he for the physical contact he hadn’t had for so long.

 _Closer._ Came from her side of their bond.

He tightened their embrace and the circle got stronger. It was the cosmos finally defeating the chaos in a grey dawn. There was balance.

After what felt like eternity, Kylo pulled from her. “Sweetheart, I have to leave.”

“Don’t call me that. I’m not your Sweetheart.” She retorted weakly.

He snickered at her reaction. “Okay, Scavenger. I have to leave.”

“No. You can stay and sleep here. My bed is big enough for us.”

That woman was going to be the death of him. “What’s wrong with you? I’m Kylo Ren. You hate me.”

“You’re Ben Solo. You can leave tomorrow.” She raised her hand and the lights switched off. She went under the sheet and patted the place she left to him. “Come on, Ben. Perhaps with you here I won’t have that same nightmare.” She asked so sweetly that he accepted the challenge.

Once he was under the sheet, he confessed to her “I can’t sleep well since I stopped dreaming of you.”

She didn’t answer him closing her eyes.

“Rey, can I touch you?” he asked.

“Please.”

The sorrow was gone. They slept as one, surrounded by their grey light.

The morning Rey was pouting when he disentangled their limbs. “I’m going to rescue you, Monster. Don’t do anything reckless, okay? Don’t throw away all this.”

“Okay.” He answered simply leaving her warm bed.

“Ben, are you going to come back tonight?”

He enlaced her waist, feeling her inhale deeply at their contact. “I’ll come back, Sweetheart. I promise.”

“Don’t call me that! I hate it.”

Ben only laughed. “I know. I feel it too. And I like you in a dress. You look beautiful in grey.”

Back to the Finalizer, Kylo Ren had found another motivation to his path. She was letting him in. He was finally home.


	28. Day 28 - Conflict

He had to choose one. He just had to decide which one. Ben hated those moments because he wasn’t the best person to choose something under pressure. Actually, he was the most hesitant human being in the whole galaxy. It shouldn’t be something difficult now. He knew her for seven years. Seven years. This should be a simple task, but apparently, it was going to be the hardest moment of his life.

 _She_ would say he was overthinking and overreacting everything as always. He wasn’t.

He wanted it to perfect.

* * *

One week after Starkiller Kylo had been released from the med bay.

Snoke hadn’t summoned him yet and he didn’t want to move. Instead, he stayed in his personal quarters, staring at the wall not daring to think about his choices. Or rather, the choices that other people had made for him.

His body was stronger and yet his mind was weaker. The pain, that acute pain in his chest was gone when he stabbed his father in the same place. But Kylo knew something was wrong. The Supreme Leader had promised the Dark was going to ravish the Light inside of him. He promised the shadows would make him forget everything. He promised he wouldn’t have a heart to feel weak.

Something went drastically wrong because Kylo Ren was feeling too much like Ben Solo right now. He was feeling confused. Lost. More than ever he wanted to come back home. More than ever he wanted to commit with the Dark Side. He was still a man torn apart. Nothing was clear in his mind.

The Light wasn’t something external to him. The energy pulling him didn’t come from some legendary spiritual source, but from himself. He would never get rid of it.

He could still feel his body and crawling for _home_. The problem was that he couldn’t choose one side. When he belonged to the Light, the pull to the dark was as intense as the light’s calling now. He was incapable of belonging on one side.

He had killed his own father. He couldn’t come back.

He _still_ loved his father. He couldn’t stay either.

He wiped out Han Solo from the galaxy. He misunderstood. He should have wiped him out of his heart. Darth Vader hadn’t forgotten his beloved. Luke was his test. He failed.

Kylo pondered killing himself. He was useless for both sides. He was exhausted, overtired of this war inside his mind that would make him think in  a certain way and act completely different. He didn’t want to fight anymore.

He couldn’t choose. But he wanted to come back.

Probably Leia Organa was going to say it was too late and that she would never forgive him.

Probably Luke Skywalker was going to try making him train exclusively with the Light to judge him incapable again.

Probably _she_ hated him. Rey had called him a monster.

His life really liked to make jokes with him. Before Snoke, he haunted the galaxy looking for her. When she stopped appearing in his dreams, he committed with the First Order and he thought the Force had changed his future and that he would never see her again. When they finally met, he killed his father who she considered as a fatherly example for herself.

His heart had already chosen her. His mind was already hers. She really existed. _Rey._

His body was stuck in that ship. His voice would never rise agains Snoke. He wouldn’t let him go.

He was trapped between his actions and his wishes.

Resting his head on his pillow, he closed his eyes waiting for the usual nightmares. He dreamed with her this time.

_She was wearing a beautiful white gown. It had delicate floral details that adorned her small bump. A baby. HIs baby. Their baby. Her hair was clipped up forming one bun instead of the three she usually had. He recognized the clip. It was from his grandmother, Breha Organa. Rey looked at him smiling. They changed rings and they swore to each other things he remembered from the holo of his parents’ wedding._

His eyes snapped open. His heart racing. He should be happy the Force had finally put her back in his dreams. He only felt even more lost, confused. The Force showed those wonderful possibilities to him, but never the way to get there.

Snoke summoned him immediately as if he knew his apprentice was trailing other roads during his sleep.

* * *

He finally chose the ring with the grey star sapphire and diamonds. The stone looked like their nebula, their Force signatures intertwined, with a four-pointed star that moved across the stone where the light hit it. Their color, grey. Their _nebula_ that was just getting strong with her pregnancy.

Rey was eight weeks pregnant and he wanted to propose. They already lived together, but he wanted her to be his wife in all existing terms.

He got the ring. Three weeks to find the right one. His mother was already exasperated.

“Ask her and leave me alone, Ben! I have work to do if I’m going to buy those baby clothes! And I’m going to. Don’t tell me you already have enough for three years.” Leia yelled at him.

He went home with the small box to find out she wasn’t home. He made dinner and when she arrived, he panicked.

Rey was pale. Her eyes seemed weak.

“What’s wrong?” He asked when she sat on their couch.

“This baby doesn’t like candy. I had too much of it.” She choked and ran to their bathroom to throw up.

Ben combed his hair with his own hands. He couldn’t ask her _now_. Now he wanted to run to the doctor and ask him about the baby.

“Sweetheart, I think we should call the doctor…”

“I’m okay, Ben…”She started throwing up again.

Ben took her in his arms when she was finished, giving her some water and before she could even think she was in the hospital.

“It’s everything fine with your baby.” Doctor Kayona assured looking at the ultrasound. “Do you want to hear the heart?”

Ben, who was holding Rey’s hand, tightened the grip and looked at his girlfriend. She smiled softly. “Yes. That might calm daddy’s nerves here.”

His heart skipped a beat before he heard _her_ first beat. He knew it was a girl. Their girl, so small and so perfect. He didn’t know how he had helped to conceive something so wonderful and blessed.

At home, they were eating silently. “Are you okay, Ben? I promise I won’t eat that much of merengue though it was delicious at the beginning.”

“Do you think there’s good in me?” He blurted out.

Her eyes were suddenly sad. “Ben, you redeemed yourself. Your life is going on, you are helping to make the galaxy a better place…”

“No. I mean good enough to be at your side and raise our baby? I’m so afraid. If I…fail…If I fall again…”

“You won’t.” She came to sit at his lap and her hands cupped his face. “I know you’re frightened to say, but I know you can feel it. You’ve already found your place. It’s by my side. With our children. You know it.” She kissed him briefly. “I have something to ask.”  She took a small box from the pocket of her trousers. He wasn’t breathing. She opened and there was a very simple grey ring. “Ben Solo, do you want to marry me?”

His jaw dropped. “NO.” he shouted out.

Rey wasn’t expecting this refusal. She stood up confused. “I thought…Ben, why are you saying ‘no’ to me? After all this time, I thought the only thing you wouldn’t doubt was the love we have for each other…”

He got donw on one knee before her, taking out his own box from his pocket showing her ring. “ _I_ wanted to ask first. You ruined everything, Scavenger.”

Rey started laughing and then crying.

“Rey, do you want to be officially a Solo? Do you want to marry me?”

“Yes. Oh, Force! Yes!”

She kissed him and there wasn’t conflict or doubt in that kiss. He had finally found his place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost done! Thanks to everyone who's still reading.  
> If you want to see my inspirations for this chapter, here we go:
> 
> Rey's ring: https://www.hkjewellery.co.uk/ring-5683-palladium-engagement-ring-inspired-by-the-nights-sky-with-a-grey-star-sapphire-and-diamonds  
> Wedding dress: http://www.wishesbridal.com/v-neck-brush-train-chiffon-princess-wedding-dress-aro0028.html


	29. Day 29 - Stormtroopers

 

As a child, Ben loved to wear a stormtrooper mask to play with his father when they were together. It was their little secret and no one could tell Mom or the fun would be over. Leia didn’t enjoy bad jokes that mask still made her chill. She had to admit that it was their favorite thing and she loved to see them together though.

Once his father was wearing the damned mask and he had the most idiot idea as always: he woke Ben. When the boy opened his eyes the first he saw was the mask and he wasn’t thinking clearly at 6 am. He punched Han Solo right in the nose. Leia came running, Ben was crying and screaming ‘I’m sorry, Dad!”.

Han Solo started to laugh. When he took out the mas his nose was bleeding, but he laughed even more when he said, “That’s my boy. Nice punch, kid.”

First time he arrived at the _Finalizer_ , he wanted to punch every single stormtrooper because they made him remember Han Solo. For three months, every time a stormtrooper was sent to reconditioning, it was his doing. After that, he learned how to deal with them. They were soldiers and he was Lord Ren, so he had to control himself and show more cruelty.

The stormtroopers were beneath him. The soldiers feared the Master of the Knights of Ren. Kylo could feel through the Force the tension when he entered a room or when he went to the bridge. They did everything to avoid him.

The only one he respected solemnly was their captain, Captain Phasma. She was a woman with power and she wasn’t afraid of him. She always said what she thought about his poorly planned strategies helping him to improve his capacity of leadership and, the most important thing, she never forgot her place always calling him ‘Sir’.

Phasma was an excellent soldier. She always helped him against Hux, sabotaging his plans. Sometimes she remembered him his mother. Leia Organa had a clinical eye for battle strategies. And both women worked wonderfully together when they had to move the old stormtroopers to the New Republic army.

Then, there was _him_. FN 2187. He hated that man. For innumerous reasons.

 _One_ , he was a traitor. _Two_ , he worked with his family as a hero. _Three_ , _she loved him_. _Four_ , he could touch _her_ when he wanted. _Five, she_ used to tell him everything about her life. _Six,_ he matched all the moral standards _she_ required for anyone who wanted to get into her private circle. _Seven_ , he was so nice.

When he defected from the First Order, he learned that _Finn_ was her best friend and nothing more than that. Still, he was jealous. Sometimes, Ben knew they were talking about him. That didn’t change even after they started officially dating, living together or when they got married. They always had their little secrets.

Now, Ben is sitting with his six-year-old daughter and a five months pregnant Rey deciding what they are going to wear for the ‘Hallow Night’. Some silly tradition on Rey’s homeland planet. Kids wear costumes and go to ask for candy to celebrate the death and resurrection of dead people. Savages, he would say. Rey loved. She loved everything that involved candies.

“I’m going to wear my stormtrooper mask, Dad! “ Hannah told him, putting his old helmet and standing up imitating the robotic movements Finn had taught her. “What do you think, Sir?”

He laughed looking at her. “I think your grandma will hate it. But you look beautiful as always, Sweetheart. What about you, Rey?”

Rey frowned. “I don’t know. Something like Leia Organa? I could make those two buns and wear a white dress. Or..” she said finding something inside her box. “Never mind…”.

Ben saw her cheeks flushing and he wondered why. He would ask her later. “So?” He insisted with her.

“Princess Leia it is.” She confirmed. “Though I don’t know how I’m going to wear a bra with that dress.”

“Dad, uncle Finn says you don’t get promoted because you’re a terrible boss. He told me when you worked together you always destroyed everything.” Hannah said taking a blaster and pointing to her little teddy bear.

Ben looked at his daughter wearing his stormtrooper mask talking about how Uncle Finn called him incapable. He suddenly hated Stormtroopers as intensely as his mother did.  He was taking his little girl from him!

“Well, I don’t get promoted because I work with his husband, you dear Uncle Poe. My so dear boss. ”

“You don’t get promoted because _I_ told him _I_ didn’t want you talking with those girls to assign them their respective missions.” Rey told him matter-of-factly. “You’ll be a pilot _forever._ ”

“What? Since when are you three conspiring against me?” He asked shocked.

“I like being a stormtrooper.” Hannah said. “It’s nice! I don’t want to be a jedi anymore. It’s sp boring. We have to meditate all the time.” She made a grimace after taking out her mask.

“What? You got be kidding me! Finn is brainwashing you! Where’s my little girl? What have you done to her?” He asked overreacting.

“Ouch.” Rey put her hand on her belly. “He’s kicking.”

Hannah and Ben ran to touch her belly. The baby kicked more. “He’s strong.” The little girl said smiling. “He’s going to be a great soldier!”

“I don’t know about you, but this baby is not going to be a stormtrooper.”

“Ben! Don’t be jealous.” Rey snapped out.

Hannah smiled to her father before speaking again. “He’s going to be a great soldier. Just like you and mom, Dad!”

They went out to catch some candy with different costumes. Hannah changed to her blue leader suit, making his father very proud and happy. Rey took the mask and Ben was Princess Leia. His mother was making a good Han Solo for the day.

When they came back home. Ben was already waiting for Rey laying on their bed while she was on the refresher. He remembered how she had seemed embarrassed after finding something on that old box.

“Sweetheart, what did you find on that box earlier?”

“You’re going to find out right now, Monster.”

When she entered the room, she was wearing the mask and a black and white lace underwear he remembered very well. From their honeymoon.

“Do you believe that still exists?”

“Yes. I want to believe it is true.” He said wanting to snatch her to him.

“But I remember why I wore it only once. It is difficult to breathe wearing this bra.” She said naturally.

“Yeah? If you come over here I can take it out from you.” He answered her almost gasping.

She walked in a very catlike way and crawled into bed, straddling him. “Please, Monster. You can take everything out but my helmet. I’m your soldier today, Sir.”

Ben Solo liked stormtroopers after all.

 

 


	30. Day 30 - Knights of Ren

Kylo Ren never wanted friends, allies or anything close to that. He wanted followers to bow to every single action he executed. He needed that after twenty-three years begging for approval. The Master of the Knights of Ren didn’t need approval. He wanted to be feared and seen as the powerful man he was born to be. When he left the Jedi Academy he thought he was the only force sensitive under Snoke’s command until the day he met the _others_.

The Force wasn’t as strong with them as it was with Kylo.  The Supreme Leader had influenced other children just like him. He had convinced them to come willing just like Ben Solo. He was in their minds, perverting and connecting to them.

But Ben Solo was his trophy, his victory. To make that clear, Kylo Ren was treated as royalty, the grandson of Darth Vader.

“Knights of Ren, bow to your Master.” Snoke had said when they were officialy introduced to their new superior.

They were seven knights. Each one earned a somber sobriquet.

Astor Ren. _The Rogue._ A detailed and bold strategist. Full of tricks.

Lora Ren. _The Armory_. That girl was a connoisseur. She knew each one of her ‘babies’. She was the specialist concerning their weapons.

Sonjo Ren. _The Heavy._ Unwise, desperate and obstinate, he used to think that blow up things and people was always the best option.

Don Ren. _The Sniper_. No one in the First Order or in the Resistance could shoot like him.

Ward Ren. _The Monk_. He belived the Force was something to nurture their souls. According to him, Darth Vader was the chosen and Kylo Ren was his sacred heir.

Sarin Ren. _The Cavalry_. Sarin was able to duel for hours and hours and he was responsible for massive attacks. He was known for his loyalty to the Supreme Leader. He never respected or feared his true Master.  He was blind when it came to Snoke’s orders and defying Kylo Ren.

Kor Ren. _The Shadow._ The youngest Knight of Ren was loyal to his Master. He used to follow Kylo wherever he was, unless his superior had ordered differently. _The Shadow_ couldn’t fight or plan well, however, he had an acute sense for hiding.

Kylo Ren. _The Jedi Killer._ The most skilled knight, the most powerful, the Master and the chosen one to fulfill his Supreme Leader’s purpose: wipe out the Jedi.

When the Monk talked to Kylo Ren, he thought he was listening to a Darksider version of his own uncle.

“The Force surrounds every living being in the galaxy. Every living thing has something wild, savage, selfish, that fights for survival. The Jedi try to suppress that part of us. They try to wipe out our own nature while the Sith let it flow. You can only feel completely surrounded by the Force if you’re in the Dark. It’s your true nature, Master.” He said that calmly as if it was the simplest thing.

Maybe he was right, but that remembered Luke Skywalker telling him that every little thing in the universe would suppress that wild nature on the behalf of a better galaxy.

Suppress the Light. Suppress the Darkness. It was all a matter of sides. He was tired of that.

But Ward Ren wasn’t his biggest problem with his followers. Sarin Ren would do anything to have his place, including questioning his strength to commit with the Supreme Leader when his orders were clearly to destroy his family’s legacy. Somehow, he knew Kylo felt that damned pull to the Light and that he still had compassion for them.

He hated Rey. He saw her as the next Jedi and a very dangerous menace. He was right. The problem was that he kept reminding Kylo of that and asking him about his next moves against the _girl._ _The Cavalry_ was the responsible for intercepting the records with the map to Skywalker. _He_ told the Supreme leader himself about his own feat. Snoke ordered a massive attack on Ahch-To where the Knights should kill Luke Skywalker and his apprentice.

The Knights would help their Master, but it was up to the _Jedi Killer_ to do his job. He should be the responsible for the Jedi’s deaths.

It was dark and rainy the night they landed on the planet. _The Army_ gave the others extra weapons and _The Heavy_ was feeling elated about it. So was _The Monk_. He could feel _The Cavalry’s_ happiness and _The Shadow’s_ hesitation mirroring his own master’s feelings.

He tried to reach for Rey, but their bond was so new to her, that the first she learned was how to put a wall between them. They would be vulnerable. He wouldn’t kill her.

When they landed, they couldn’t find Luke Skywalker. But Rey was before them trying to understand the invasion when Ward ran predatorily to her. She started to run as all the other seven Knights. Suddenly she stumbled turning to find all the Knights of Ren circling her and _The Cavalry_ branding his weapon to finish her.

Kylo Ren stepped forward burying his lightsaber on his Knight’s chest. For five long seconds, only the rain dared to make noises. She looked at his mask and to the other trying to breathe. She got on her feet again and started running again.

Kylo ran for her and he only listened the voice of Kor Ren telling the others ‘Go back to our ship and wait for me and the Master. I’ll get him.” The Master of the Knights of Ren didn’t event turn to look at his loyal follower because Rey was stopping and behind her there was a cliff. He stopped a few feet away from her. He needed to ask if she was okay, if she knew they were coming and told her master to leave…

His mind was racing trying to figure out a way to ask her all those questions when she jumped from the cliff. He panicked knowing she couldn’t swim and that the river current wouldn’t let her find the surface easily.

“Sir, you have to go for her!” _The Shadow_ told him. “Go!” He screamed at his own Master.

Kylo took out his helmet and jumped behind her. He saw her struggling under water to come back to the surface. He took her in a tight embrace before emerging. Kor Ren helped them to get out of water and covered Rey with his own cloak.

“Are you alright?” He asked Rey.

She just nodded.

It was Kylo’s turn with her.

“Are you mad? You can’t swim!” He yelled at her. “Why did you do that?”

“I-I thought you were going to…” She looked at his face stopping in the middle of her sentence.

“To what? To kill you? I would never do that! I killed my own Knight when he tried to kill you.” He took her shoulders. “Don’t ever do that again.”

Their faces were close and she stared at his scar. The one she had gave him and that made him a true monster. Only then, she opened her side of the bond to look for his feelings.

 _Thank you, I think._ She sent to him.

 _I’m sorry we scared you._ He answered. _Now, get out of this rain or you’re going to get sick._

_I’m sorry about the scar._

_It’s nothing._

_Thanks._

He didn’t answer her, so she got to her feet again and left. Behind him, Kor asked in a soft voice, “Sir? Can we leave? I think the others are already desperate to leave.”

They made their way back to Kylo’s ship in silence and _The Shadow took The Cavalry’_ s corpse with him. Once they were inside the ship, all the other five Knights of Ren had their masks off and carried a very confused expression.

The Master of the Knights of Ren looked at them and when he finally dared to speak, it was as if he _needed_ them to understand his own reasons. Suddenly, he needed them to be not his followers, but loyal mates. He needed them.

“I need you to understand what happened here tonight. I _can’t_ kill the girl. Every time I dared to think about that The Force struggled against my own will causing me pain. I have a connection with her. If I kill the next Jedi, I’ll be killing myself.”

“Sir,” Lora Ren interrupted almost kindly. “you killed one of us for her. For a Force bond that you never told us about. Ward Ren was the most loyal to your purposes…”

“No.” He blurted out. “He wasn’t. He was always trying to defy my position with the Supreme Leader and always trying to subjugate my purposes.”

Astor Ren, _The Rogue_ was less careful. “Do you dare to say that you have purposes that the Supreme Leader doesn’t approve?”

“Yes. I do. Especially when it’s about the girl.” Kylo answered simply.

Don Ren, _The Sniper_ , snorted sarcastically. “What do you think that the Supreme Leader can’t know?”

“I can’t answer right now, I’m still trying to understand this connection and why it happened. I need time. And your loyalty. I need you to trust in me.” _The Jedi killer_ answered sincerely.

“I trust in you, Sir.” Sonjo, _The Heavy_ said.

“So do I.” Ward Ren agreed. “But, if you’re not going to kill the Jedi, how are we going to establish balance? You know the Light and the Dark are always fighting. I can feel your inner turmoil through the Force, Sir. How are we going to act?”

“We’ll do research. I’ll send you to look for old records and information about Sith and Jedi. We need to learn before acting.”

“I’m on it since you don’t kill another one of us.” Lora Ren answered. “I don’t want to die for a mistake.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes to her. “Then, you talk to me first. Don’t ever talk directly to Snoke about my business.” He said in a very low and dangerous voice.

 _The Armory_ didn’t look away to answer him. “Yes, Sir.”

He turned to Don and Astor. “I agree with Lora.” Astor said. “As long as we are alive in the end, I’m still loyal to you, Master.”

“So am I.” _The Sniper_ confirmed.

“So, let’s leave this damned planet before Luke Skywalker appears to give us to the Resistance. No one will talk to Snoke about what happened and we are all going to forget about those coordinates. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Master.” They answered in unison.

“Sir, you didn’t ask me about my loyalty.” Kor Ren said shyly.

“Do I have to?”

“No, Sir. I’m still loyal to you.” He answered quickily.

Kylo looked to the console and took his seat. “Take your seat, Kor.” He completed showing him the co-pilot’s chair, “Let’s get out of here.” He completed.

Kor Ren was almost smiling.

After two weeks, _The Monk_ asked for an audience with him.

“Sir, I’ve found a very interesting journal. That might help us to understand your connection with the girl.” He said enthusiastically.

“What is it?

 “I found a poem.”

“Do you really think poetry will help?”

“Listen to me first, Master, after you can refuse this or even accept it.

“Do it.”

"First comes the day

Then comes the night.

After the darkness

Shines through the light.

The difference, they say,

Is only made right

By the resolving of gray

Through refined Jedi sight."

 

Kylo Ren asked his Knight to write it down for him. He kept thinking about the poem for three days before writing down something to reason with his own feelings. Nothing came out. Until that dream.

 

 _He was Ben Solo again_. _No scars. The sunlight shining through him so strong, making everything so clear that it was almost blinding him. The Light kept growing in its intensity and suddenly he was lost in the white horizon. He couldn’t see a thing._

_He lost all the directions and senses. He was falling and then it was night. Without stars. Profound night. Nothing to see or to find._

_He was alone waiting for something. Dawn came, but in a very different shade. It was a deep grey. As if the white blinding light had met and merged with the dark black of the night. Together. Grey dawn._

_First comes the day._ Ben Solo and his natural and innocent power.

 _Then comes the night._ The pull to the Dark he always felt.

 _After the Darkness shines through the Light._ Kylo Ren and the pull to the Light.

_The difference, they say,_

_Is only made right_

_By the resolving of gray_

_Through refined Jedi sight._

 

The last piece took him by surprise. The only way to stop his eternal fight between the Light and the Dark was the grey. He didn’t have to choose. A grey jedi.

Yet, it didn’t explain Rey.

He read again the poem.

 _First comes the day._ Rey in Jakku and her innocence about how powerful she was.

 _Then comes the night._ The Darkside had tempted her when they were on Starkiller.

 _After the darkness shines through the light._ She would never get rid of the Dark because of him.

_The difference, they say,_

_Is only made right_

_By the resolving of gray_

_Through refined Jedi sight._

She was his Light. His balance. The pull to the Light. He was her darkness. Her balance. Her pull to the Dark.

He finally summoned his Knights to tell them the news.

“You have to research about the Gray Jedi. We need that. If we learn their ways, we will finally have balance.”

“Gray Jedi?” Astor Ren asked. “What? Are they darksiders? I’m not going to work for the Light. No one can say that I’m damaged because I’m free.”

“First, we look for them. After we discuss about it.” Kylo ended the discussion.

After two months, _The Shadow_ came to tell him about his research. The term Gray Jedi was used to describe Force-users who walked the line between the light and dark sides of the Force without surrendering to any of them. It also described Jedi who distanced themselves from the Jedi High Council and operated outside the strictures of the Jedi Code.

He told their Knights to leave to Naboo and stay there trying to improve their powers using both sides. They should find a path. Kylo Ren couldn’t leave with them. He had to stay and deal with Snoke, the Resistance and Rey.

It took him one year and a half to find them again. Six months he spent waiting in a limbo until the day he decided he should leave the First Order and come back to Rey and one year on Ahch-To. Finally, he left to his exile, he went to Naboo first and his apprentices had improved wonderfully. They seemed satisfied.

He was finally called Master Solo.

They didn’t help him to kill Snoke, but after the war they played a crucial role in the future of the next Jedi. They helped Luke and Rey to find other force sensitives and to rebuild temples. They became excellent Masters and baby-sitters. Actually, only _The Heavy_ and _The Shadow._ When Hannah was born, they were in love with her. Who wouldn’t be?

Ben Solo was called Master, but he knew he had to learn a lot from his own knights.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Almost finished, I'll add an epilogue.  
> I had to do some research for the Knights of Ren. Five of their nicknames are not mine. They are from the art concept images I've found here:   
> https://imgur.com/gallery/7uvrB.


	31. Epilogue

Ben got home earlier. As he had suspected no one was on the living room or in the bedrooms. He was alone. So interesting how a feeling he used to know so well became a totally stranger to him. He put the bag on the kitchen’s countertop and started to take out everything he would be using for dinner. He loved his wife, but she couldn’t cook. For Rey eating became a real pleasure during her first pregnancy. Before she just liked everything because it was simply food. With a baby inside her, she learned a few lessons. Well, she still loves candy.

He smiled looking at all the new draws hanging on the fridge’s door. They were the art of an artist in the family, Padmé Solo, eight years old. The night before she had done her siblings, Hannah and Anakin working together. Hannah wearing her Jedi tunic and Anakin his red flight suit.

He smiled at that. Everyone thought Hannah was going to give up on her path as a gray jedi. She did better than anyone else did and now she is almost a master. _The best jedi knight ever after Mom_ , that’s what Padmé used to call her. His baby became a woman and now she’s twenty. She still looks a lot like her grandmother though. They share not only the hair, eyebrows, mouth and temper, but a wonderful sense of leadership.

 _Twenty years._ Ben Solo is fifty-five years and he can’t stop thinking of everything that changed in his life. Those dark days seemed so distant that sometimes when he was talking about them with his family he would think they belonged to someone else’s memory. Somehow, Kylo Ren didn’t partook on his present. Finally, he was his past. Ben had finally left his past behind him.

Of course, he wouldn’t forget or forgive himself for a lot of his acts. He would never forget his father or forgive himself for what he had done. But Han had made this life possible in a way or another. Ben only came back after his sacrifice and his family forgave him. All of them.

Hannah is twenty while Anakin is only fourteen. He keeps training to be a jedi, but he really liked piloting. Every time, he had some free time from school or from the Jedi Academy, he went meet his father on the hangar to be his co-pilot.

Ben still remembered the day he announced to his family and to his knights that he wasn’t going to be Master Solo. Ben decided he could be a gray jedi knight, but he didn’t want to be a Master or have a padawan. He wanted to be a pilot just like his uncle. He became a private pilot working for diplomatic missions with Poe Dameron. They ruled a small enterprise that did well. Everyone hated, but he loved it.

Poe and Finn weren’t his friends until today, but they became almost close. Rey and the kids (all five kids, Hannah, Anakin, Padmé, Bail and Jyn) for making them a big gang known anywhere on Coruscant as the _Solo-Dameron gang_. Ben couldn’t argue with that. Bail and Jyn called him _uncle Ben_ and their fathers never told them to do otherwise.

When Bail and Jyn arrived home for the first time, Hannah almost collapsed. She was four and she didn’t have any siblings at that time. _Now,_ Bail and Hannah are boyfriend and girlfriend. Ben hates it, but Rey convinced him it was better to have someone who called him ‘uncle’ as a son-in-law than someone who called him Mr. Solo. Bail Dameron would take care of his little girl.

If he didn’t…well, Ben still had some dark powers to show to the world. And Padmé to help him when she got in the middle of them to ask for some stories.

Padmé was the child that looked more like him. Anakin really looked like Rey in everything, not just the good looking, but his mood and reactions were all Rey’s in a boyish way, which was also her heritage of course.

Padmé had dark hair and his nose, some of his moles and his mouth. Yes. She had his mouth. But the eyes…her eyes were Rey’s, just like Hannah and Anakin. It was a reminder to Ben that all those three miracles became true because of _her_. But his youngest had also his bad temper. She was force sensitive too and it remembered Ben a lot of his own childhood when he would suppress his powers so things didn’t go floating and levitation around him. Padmé was free to do it. She had to learn how to deal with her power, so hiding was totally forbidden.

But she had something from Rey that made him love her childish way even more. Their youngest loved scavenging. She would spend hours with her mother and father or anyone who was repairing the Falcon or any other thing to take pieces and transform them into other useful objects. She was only eight and was capable of destroying all the music boxes Bail gave to Hannah to make a rotatory system for her tools box.

Ben was very proud of all those feats his little one did.

Thinking on her, the door opened and she appeared. Disheveled hair, dirty clothes, dirty face and smelling like oil.

“Dad!” She ran and he got on his knees to meet her embrace. He stood up with her in his arms smiling. His smile in a more feminine for, but his smile.

“What were you doing, girl? You smell like the Falcon! Where’s your mother?”

“She told me to come and take a shower. She’s finishing something on our ship. I think we’ll have to change the whole console again!” She told him very seriously.

“You’re small, you can’t talk like that.” He said smiling at her. “Go take your shower. And to try to ‘fix’ anything in the refresher. Last time you did the tap shocked us for a whole week.” He said putting her on the ground again.

“I promise!” she said running.

Ben was making pasta and some tomato sauce, but he decided to make some salad too as Hannah and Anakin arrived with Bail and Jyn. And more pasta when his mother and uncle arrived with Poe and Finn. They were all eating, but Ben. He was waiting for Rey.

He took a bottle of Corellian wine, two cups and some lasagna he had done when Astor and Kor Ren arrived. A crowd came to visit. Never alone again.

He left the dining room to go to their garage where Rey was fighting against something in their ship.

“You should stop doing that and start having dinner.” He said close to her ear making her shiver.

She turned to look at him and at the food he had brought. “I would kiss you right now, but I don’t want you smelling like I am right now.”

“I like it. It reminds me the old times when you smelled like the Falcon after making love with me in the quarters, in the cockpit, in the engineering bay…”

“Okay. I got it.” She said kissing him. “I think you deserve a kiss. You feed everyone here including me, you’re an excellent father and husband…I’m sorry I didn’t appear to dinner.”

He smirked at her. “It’s fine. I know how you love this ship. Do you wanna some wine?”

“Yeah. Sure.” He started to serve dinner in the Main Hold while Rey went to sonic shower to wash herself.

They were eating silently when she looked at him laughing. “What is it?”

“We are getting old. Look at your hair! And my face! I can’t believe it’s happening.”

Ben laughed back at her. “I’m happy this is happening. I’m happy I’m getting old with you.”

Her eyes shone in a way Ben already knew very well. “Do you believe I was just a solitary scavenger and then I…”

“You became the most powerful person this galaxy will ever met, you are an amazing mother, wife and daughter-in-law. You’re really wonderful, Scavenger.”

She blushed listening to his compliments. She always did. “Thank you, Ben, but I was going to say that I found you. All these things wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you.”

Ben stopped drinking his wine to sit at her side taking her small hands in his large ones. “Sometimes, I think you only say that to make me happy, because you know I’d probably be dead if it wasn’t for you. I met you and you changed every single thing I believed, Rey.”

“When are you going to understand that I feel the same for you, Ben?”

“Never. You still feel like a dream come true to me. I feel like I don’t deserve you. You still amaze me, Rey.” He said playing with her buns.

“Somethings never change. You still know to make my heart skip a beat when you say these things and look at me like that.” She answered with her eyes watering.

He brought his face next to hers, his lips brushing hers. “I know. I love you, Rey.”

“And I love you back, Monster.”

Their kiss wasn’t new. They knew how they felt when they kissed. They completed each other and being lonely was a very strange feeling for both of them.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over, everybody! Thanks for the patience, help and reading. It was amazing and it helped me to understand why I love all the possible things to write about Kylo Ren. Hope we stay connected because I'll go on writing!:D
> 
> See you!

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and I don't have a beta reader. So I'm sorry!


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